My mom has been diagnosed with BPD and I don't know what to feel

[jkour015]

After years of my mom battling depression, she has recently been diagnosed with BPD. I now understand this is the underlying condition to her depression, and I can understand the events leading up to it.

As a child, my mom never felt loved from my grandpa and did not feel accepted by him. During college, she was raped. Recently, both my grandpa and my grandma have died from old age. Until this time, my mom had her mood swings, but I always thought it was "mom being mom" and I would ignore it. When my grandparents passed away, especially my grandpa, her depression got worse and her mood swings increased. I always felt like I was "walking on egg shells" around her, afraid I would say something to her that she would take offense to and become depressed and feel "unloved" and "a bad mom" as she would say. Recently I've gotten engaged, and my mom is insistent on telling me that my aunt, her sister, is NOT invited to the wedding because she has written her out of her life (my mom did, nobody understands why she doesn't want her sister anymore). If I invite my aunt, my mom said she would not attend my wedding. This is hard for me to handle, because I still have a loving relationship with my aunt and of course want my mom at my wedding.

A few days ago, my mom admitted herself to the hospital because she was feeling suicidal. They admitted her to an inpatient mental hospital, and for the next 3 days over Thanksgiving she was on a 72-hour medical hold. They released her over the weekend, and tomorrow she starts an intensive outpatient program that is 3 days per week, then she will start her DBT for treatment for BPD.

I guess I am just looking for support. I find myself resenting my mom for her feelings and actions in my personal life (ex. not wanting my aunt to be at my wedding, yelling at me when I say something wrong), and growing impatient with her. Since she's been home from the hospital, everything she says ends in something negative about herself and it is getting very hard for me to listen to on a daily basis.

I'm not sure what else I should add to introduce myself and my situation. Please feel free to ask any questions. I hope to find some support through other stories and maybe advice on how to live with my mom during her treatment.

[EDIT: more about me... I'm 26 years old, Christian, currently a nursing student for my BSN with a bachelors in psychology, engaged to a wonderful man who currently lives in another state for work and has been very supportive when I'm crying about my mom. My dad has been very supportive and wanting to help, but of course he is feeling like he is to blame and he doesn't know what to do as well.]

[jkour015]

I'd also like to add that since my mom has been home, she's very anxious and keeps claiming she is losing her memory. Her dad had alzheimers, and her mom had dementia. She is paranoid that she is now developing the same things, and keeps saying "I can't remember what I said. I'm losing my mind." And it bothers me because I honestly don't think its the alzheimers, it's her mind racing 1500MPH and she can't focus.

Because of this, she is afraid to go out to events. She has canceled a party she was going to attend next weekend. She is afraid she'll stand before a group of people and forget what she is saying, and she would be embarrased. I want her to go out and socialize, because for the last several years she has just stayed at home and thinks nobody wants to hang out with her, which is totally not true. It breaks my heart every time she says she doesn't have friends, when it's in fact she doesn't want to contact her friends. Everytime I see them, they say they miss my mom.

[Kwamina]

Hi jkour015

Thanks for posting this introduction and welcome to bpdfamily

It can often be very challenging having a parent with BPD. It is sad that your mother is having these problems and as a result is also causing you problems. Now that she's been officially diagnosed, you at least do know what you're dealing with here. I think it is a positive step that your mom will now be getting targeted treatment for het BPD.

Do you feel like your mother acknowledges and understands her BPD diagnosis?

It is a sad reality of certain mental disorders that the people suffering from them have suicidal tendencies. Is this the first time your mother has expressed feeling suicidal or has it happened before?

Based on your post I believe you currently live with your parents, am I correct? Living in the same house with a BPD parent can really take it's toll on you. To help you communicate with your mother, you could perhaps benefit from some of the communication techniques described on this website such as validation and S.E.T.. The acronym S.E.T. stands for support, empathy and truth. Here is an excerpt from our article about validation:

Nowhere is the communication skill of validation more important than in interfacing with highly sensitive individuals, individuals with low self esteem or individuals who are easily intimidated.  This is a very valuable tool for dealing with people with Borderline Personality Disorder.

To validate someone's feelings is first to accept someone's feelings - and then to understand them - and finally to nurture them. To validate is to acknowledge and accept a person. Invalidation, on the other hand, is to reject, ignore, or judge.

Validation of feelings is vital to connecting with others. The mutual validation of feelings is important in all phases of relationships including building, maintaining, repairing, and improving them.

... .

Let's first look at the importance of being true and authentic to ourselves. If we can't be true and authentic, we are sacrificing ourselves for the benefit of another, and we are most likely enabling another person's dysfunction. This helps no one.

For these reason, validation is never about lying, it is not about being ruled by the emotions of others, and it is not letting people "walk all over us". We never want to validate the “invalid”.

Validating someone's thoughts, feelings, or beliefs does not necessarily mean we agree, overall, with what they are thinking, or feeling, or with their behavior.

So, the first thing to learn in validating others is to be able to identify something to validate in a "sea" of conflict that is both valid and important to the other person.

I am glad you've posted your story here and are reaching out for support and advice. We have many members with a BPD parent (including me) who will be able to relate to your experiences. I encourage you to keep posting here and to take a look at all the resources and tools on this site.

Take care