Daugther in law with BPD

[Sandy1955]

I'm new to this site.  My son and DIL with BPD married 3 years ago and have twin 2-year-old daughters.  I have a counseling background and suspected issues early on in their relationship.  My son attempted to get DIL into therapy prior to marriage and she refused to go.  He went without her and she backed off of her behavior, making him believe she was fine.  I was very concerned and asked him to wait on the marriage, but she wanted a very quick marriage and very expensive wedding--all the while being extremely charming and attentive to my son.  He thought she had changed.  She is extremely bright and that makes her all the more difficult and scary.

Not long after the wedding, she began isolating him from his many friends.  After the babies were born, dealing with twins was time consuming, and many friends and family time fell by the wayside. She has never allowed me to be close to her, but I was able to spend time with the granddaughters weekly for 18 months.  Then with no warning, she turned on me.  I still don't know what caused the change, but for the past year she has refused to talk to me or be anywhere near me.  I went to therapy, have been able to maintain a relationship with my son and see my grandchildren until about 2 months ago.  At that time she arranged a weekly schedule for the girls that does not allow me to see them, for reasons that only make sense to her.  Over the past six weeks, my contact with my son has almost disappeared.  Last week she sent me some very negative texts late at night, pretending to be my son by using his phone.  This was a first.  He didn't know she did it until the next day. I am sure she is working on him to stop contact with me. 

My son is a smart and caring guy, but I almost don't know him anymore.  He is beat down and unhappy. He knows she likely has BPD, although she is not officially diagnosed. As many of you know, there is no easy thing about this. I know he feels hopeless.  If she treats me this way, I can image the hell he goes through with her.  For 30 years, my son and I had a very close relationship.  He has always been open with me.  That is now gone.

  I know this will affect my grandchildren.  My son still wants to believe DIL will change when she sees the effect it has on the girls.  She has been a good mother, as best as I can tell.  My son is an excellent father and he provides much of the actual day-to-day care for the girls.  But I know that it is already affecting the granddaughters, I've seen some signs even though they are very young.

I have felt much better by reading the posts on this site.  I knew I wasn't alone in this crazy stuff, but it is nice to know I can look at the site at 3:00 a.m. when I can't sleep due to another issue she has caused.

Any advice for how to help maintain contact with my son and granddaughters?

[Kwamina]

Hi Sandy1955

You are in quite a difficult situation here, your DIL's behavior sounds quite unpleasant indeed.

I am sorry that this has also affected your relationship with your son and that you currently aren't able to see your grandchildren. That must be very tough for you as a mother and grandmother.

Has your son expressed anything to you about how he feels about his wife's new 'weekly schedule for the girls'? Does he agree with this schedule?

Being married to someone with BPD can really take it's toll on someone. It sounds like your son is also struggling with his wife's behavior. He tried to get her into therapy prior to getting married so she was already exhibiting problematic behavior back then. Was she like that from the very start of their relationship? How did the two of them meet?

There are several members in a similar situation as you are. I am glad you've found reading the posts here helpful. We recently started a thread specifically about dealing with BPD in-laws, perhaps you'll find it interesting too:

BPD in-laws: Experiences and coping strategies

Take care

[Pilpel]

I believe that my brother married a woman with BPD.  He was always very introverted before, but is more distant with the family since getting married.  We see them fairly frequently, but it's so rare that I talk to him much, whereas we used to talk all the time.

You have a counseling background?  Have you read Stop Walking on Eggshells?  That was the first book I read when I heard about BPD, and walking on eggshells perfectly describes how my whole family was around her.  The book describes a way of reflective talking with a person with BPD.  I didn't get it when I first read it.  There's always that desire to reason things out and JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain).  But JADE'ing just makes things more convoluted and confusing with a BPD.

If you want to keep good contact with your son and granddaughters, and if you think your DIL is BPD, I think you could really benefit by looking into reflective listening as a way to talk to DIL to diffuse any escalating of emotions.

Since we started doing reflective listening, I think it's helped her to feel more connected to others.  She's calmed down around my family quite a bit.  After reflecting back my understanding of her feelings, I've been able to talk to her about some of my feelings and concerns.  Though she does still twist facts and manipulate, I think ultimately she does genuinely want a relationship with us and she has been very responsive.

Let me know if you have any questions about this.