Recent breakup with possible BPD woman

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I happened across videos of BPD and it fits her to a tee

Known her two years.  Started talking while she was unhappily

Married and about to divorce. She divorced

We started going out. Very intense. Very nice.

She never knew biological father (abandonment), her step father

And mother divorced, her mother she said multiple times

Made her feel worthless growing up. She got into bad marriage

For ten years. Eventually had custody of children only two lose

Custody.

Anyhow, we started out too good to be true.

Then jealousy started coming out.  I was texting female

Friends I've known 30 years.  In some cases former girlfriends

Who are now friends. She found out. That escalated to huge argument

But we got past that. Or so i thought. She kept bringing that back up

During rest of relationship.

Eventually she moved in. We would have our differences and in some cases

Fights. At a friends she had a meltdown of sorts and chewed me out almost

Mean spirited like about the prior texts and because any time she rearranged

Something in house, I questioned why (so she felt worthless) - even though

In end she did all that she wanted

Then we were supposed to go on trip with her kids who she got for the summer

The ex wouldn't let them come when they were supposed to. I had paid 2000 for

A beach condo which then would go empty. I had no time to resell condo to recoup

Expenses, so a good friend and his ten year old son were going to go. She said if I

Went, she would be gone. I didn't go.

Later in summer she threatened to move out, but

As she couldn't afford it stayed.

In November a couple weeks ago, I

Questioned that she likes to go to clubs

And drink more than I, asked where we

Are going in our relationship, what her

Priorities are, and called some of her friends

Who like to seemingly do little more than

Party losers (harsh I know  )

Anyhow, she left a week later

That was last weekend

We were talking two years. Dating 1 1/2,

Lived here seven months. And she up and

Walked out quickly over an

Argument or questioning her

I made mistakes I acknowledge.

But never would have left her

Even with her flaws

We actually seemed to get along quite

Well though. She has many good qualities

I'm trying to go no contact but it has been difficult

I broke down every day so far and sent a text or called

She is responding some limited. And if I get deep she

Says she's sorry but she can't do this.

She moved back in with a younger girl who likes to

Drink and party.

If she does have BPD what are chances she will have change

Of heart. Couples break up and get back together at least once

Always. Although this involved her moving out.

Suggestions or thoughts on best way to proceed with hopes of

Her coming back?  What is likelihood of her coming back?

Is her responding for moment good or bad?  Will going total

Nc have any impact?

[Scopikaz]

I happened across videos of BPD and it fits her to a tee

Known her two years.  Started talking while she was unhappily

Married and about to divorce. She divorced

We started going out. Very intense. Very nice.

She never knew biological father (abandonment), her step father

And mother divorced, her mother she said multiple times

Made her feel worthless growing up. She got into bad marriage

For ten years. Eventually had custody of children only two lose

Custody.

Anyhow, we started out too good to be true.

Then jealousy started coming out.  I was texting female

Friends I've known 30 years.  In some cases former girlfriends

Who are now friends. She found out. That escalated to huge argument

But we got past that. Or so i thought. She kept bringing that back up

During rest of relationship.

Eventually she moved in. We would have our differences and in some cases

Fights. At a friends she had a meltdown of sorts and chewed me out almost

Mean spirited like about the prior texts and because any time she rearranged

Something in house, I questioned why (so she felt worthless) - even though

In end she did all that she wanted

Then we were supposed to go on trip with her kids who she got for the summer

The ex wouldn't let them come when they were supposed to. I had paid 2000 for

A beach condo which then would go empty. I had no time to resell condo to recoup

Expenses, so a good friend and his ten year old son were going to go. She said if I

Went, she would be gone. I didn't go.

Later in summer she threatened to move out, but

As she couldn't afford it stayed.

In November a couple weeks ago, I

Questioned that she likes to go to clubs

And drink more than I, asked where we

Are going in our relationship, what her

Priorities are, and called some of her friends

Who like to seemingly do little more than

Party losers (harsh I know  )

Anyhow, she left a week later

That was last weekend

We were talking two years. Dating 1 1/2,

Lived here seven months. And she up and

Walked out quickly over an

Argument or questioning her

I made mistakes I acknowledge.

But never would have left her

Even with her flaws

We actually seemed to get along quite

Well though. She has many good qualities

I'm trying to go no contact but it has been difficult

I broke down every day so far and sent a text or called

She is responding some limited. And if I get deep she

Says she's sorry but she can't do this.

She moved back in with a younger girl who likes to

Drink and party.

If she does have BPD what are chances she will have change

Of heart. Couples break up and get back together at least once

Always. Although this involved her moving out.

Suggestions or thoughts on best way to proceed with hopes of

Her coming back?  What is likelihood of her coming back?

Is her responding for moment good or bad?  Will going total

Nc have any impact?

[misuniadziubek]

I'm trying to go no contact but it has been difficult

I broke down every day so far and sent a text or called

She is responding some limited. And if I get deep she

Says she's sorry but she can't do this.

She moved back in with a younger girl who likes to

Drink and party.

If she does have BPD what are chances she will have change

Of heart. Couples break up and get back together at least once

Always. Although this involved her moving out.

Suggestions or thoughts on best way to proceed with hopes of

Her coming back?  What is likelihood of her coming back?

Is her responding for moment good or bad?  Will going total

Nc have any impact?

I can't tell you for certain, but I'd say your gut feelings are usually the ones you should listen to when you suspect BPD, although I've met a few udxBPDs who would turn on me and say I'm the one with the problem.

The hasty reactions and overreactions sound a lot like she had really low self esteem and had trouble getting through some of her emotional dysregulation.

The reason she moved out is not likely to be related to the fight you had, but rather she was feeling a lot of discomfort and pressure in the relationship already and that last conversation kind of pushed her off the edge in what already felt like a miserable situation to her. Why she was unhappy, only she knows, but a lot of people, especially those with BPD let things fester inside that they never actually admit to, or worse yet, they don't consciously recognise the reasons why they feel the stress or build up resentment. Reactions are symptoms rather than a compass leading to what's wrong.


If she has BPD the best thing you can do is

1) respect her boundaries. If she says she doesn't want contact, you have to respect it. Nothing good comes from pushing the limits, especially when it is only to comfort yourself through relationship withdrawal.

2) If she does tolerate a low level of contact or seeks it out herself, you have to be very open minded, validating and understanding. It's about encouraging positive contact and making her feel safe to express herself, even if you don't agree with her. She has a set of emotions she feels about the relationship and needs to feel that her needs are valid. She needed to leave, she felt over whelmed, and the only role you can play is to validate that it's normal to feel overwhelmed and feel the need to withdraw at times to take care of yourself and that you understand her reaction and simply care about her.

The end result can't be predicted. Only she knows what she wants in the end and she still might decide to terminate the relationship and start anew without you.

[Scopikaz]

I can tell you she is responding to most texts. It starts out light but then I've been getting to deep, talking about "us" etc. she shuts that down and says she can't handle that. I need to focus on me, not us. Change for me, not her.

Today I asked her if she's open to continued dialogue and she said yes.  And I asked what the boundaries are. She said keep it light. A friendship. Nothing about us etc

Is this a good sign or bad sign or just indifferent.   Do most with BPD come back eventually. Or is there no hope for us to get back together.  I'm assuming she loved me so if so I

Have to believe she still does to a degree or the degree she can.

She did say also only to talk every few days. Not every day. Unless something with family or something other big comes up etc.

If she meets someone I know she will fall for them etc and more than likely repeat the pattern. Or do they eventually get better and stop repeating pattern without help

[Scopikaz]

I just think knowing that she probably does have BPD on some level would make it easier to understand and love her better if she did come back.

And that I would think there would be comfort in her knowing someone still desires her and wants to be with her warts and all?  Or is that not the case. Once they leave is there no reason to recycle or come back because they are on hunt for new love

[Suzn]

Today I asked her if she's open to continued dialogue and she said yes. Is this a good sign or bad sign or just indifferent. 

Being open to communicating is always a good sign. Even if it's only a friendship. 

Respect her boundaries, don't chase her, work on you. Learning some of the communication skills that are found here that are necessary to have a more successful relationship will be helpful. Even if you are only friends or if both of you decide to reconcile you'll be better prepared.

This is a good place to start.

PERSPECTIVES: The do's and don'ts in a BPD relationship

[misuniadziubek]

I can tell you she is responding to most texts. It starts out light but then I've been getting to deep, talking about "us" etc. she shuts that down and says she can't handle that. I need to focus on me, not us. Change for me, not her.

Today I asked her if she's open to continued dialogue and she said yes.  And I asked what the boundaries are. She said keep it light. A friendship. Nothing about us etc

Is this a good sign or bad sign or just indifferent.   :)o most with BPD come back eventually. Or is there no hope for us to get back together.  I'm assuming she loved me so if so I

Have to believe she still does to a degree or the degree she can.

She did say also only to talk every few days. Not every day. Unless something with family or something other big comes up etc.

If she meets someone I know she will fall for them etc and more than likely repeat the pattern. Or do they eventually get better and stop repeating pattern without help

As suzn said. Open communication is always a positive sign,but as long as she is communicating with you, you have to maintain the interactions on her terms. Positive and honest. Avoid conversation topics that make her obviously uncomfortable or overwhelmed because as you said,she shuts down. You want her to feel safe opening up and you don't want her to feel guilt. Technically, BPD or not, she did something healthy for herself. She felt a set of negative feelings and acted to resolve the distress.


There is no rule with BPDs or otherwise on whether they come back. Some break up and come back repeatedly falling into the same patterns. Some wait until the point where either they refuse to deal with anymore of their accumulated anger/resentment/disconnect towards or their partner or they find someone new who seems shinier and newer.

You can only work with what you have and develop healthy interpersonal interactions with her. What the end result will be is up to her. But she's made it clear she needs time and space/distance.

Best of luck