Just need to vent

[JustAMum]

My 17 yr old d is starting to feel suicidal again. On sat night she rang the kids helpline at 2am. I was so pleased when she told me. I saw this as a big positive. Her reaching out for help on her own. It was the first time she rang. This morning I found her in bed with me. I'm not sure why. She's still asleep. I'm thinking its because she was having suicidal thoughts again. I'll ask her when she wakes up. She doesn't really have any major triggers. She's in her final year of school and I know this is stressing her out. I read on one of the posts on here that you have to set boundaries like ultimately her choices are hers. I know this is true but I can't help but feel responsible for her well being. How do I accept that at the end of the day it doesn't matter what I do I can't protect her from herself?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Calling the helpline is a good sign!  Did she feel better afterwards?

Maybe she will be open on sharing what's troubling her that led to her feeling suicidal this time?

Is she normally open with you - sharing what bothers her?

I read on one of the posts on here that you have to set boundaries like ultimately her choices are hers. I know this is true but I can't help but feel responsible for her well being. How do I accept that at the end of the day it doesn't matter what I do I can't protect her from herself?

There is a balance, JustAMum, you are her mother, of course you feel strongly attached to her well being. And it does matter what you do (it seems like you are being supportive, and doing lots of good) - it's just that no matter what we do, our child (as all other people) ultimately has free will. I've seen it said here that "We provide the opportunities, we do not have control over the outcomes."

It is an impossible pill to swallow that we cannot make sure that our child will ultimately be ok. All we can do is our best, and hope and pray that our child will do the same... . 

[livednlearned]

Senior year of school can be very stressful, and she handled that stress by talking to someone. That's a big step!  

She sought you out and confided in you, and then again when she felt the need to be close to you.

I don't know if it's possible to feel that we are not responsible for our children, whether they are ill or not. I do think having a child with a mental disorder means being fierce about self-care for ourselves. This can be as simple as deciding to not dwell on the what-ifs, and to focus your precious attention on what is working.

I accept that my son is not well. I also accept that what I do does matter, even if it means he will always have a mental illness. I know what you mean, though, that your daughter has to be the one who recognizes her distorted thinking and make efforts to find her way. We can be there loving them on their journey; we cannot rescue them -- that has to be their choice. 

She did just take a big step forward in the right direction, and that is one big important step.   There are many people who suffer from less severe mood disorders who never do that.

LnL

[BB_YogaGirl]

My daughter is a senior in high school, and the pressures are intense--SATs, college applications, and maintaining academic standing. My daughter has always struggled with learning disabilities so all of these, individually, are daunting. The combination has lead to a serious downward spiral, including her first hospitalization, this fall.

You say a few things that resonate. I feel drawn to reply to those posts that mirror what I've experienced. My daughter has always gone thru periods of crawling into my bed, from early childhood night terrors to most recently when she feared for her own safety from herself. I am the person she depends on the most and it's a huge burden to feel such responsibility.  I agree with the response regarding self- care. I've been much more diligent with this this year. Not doing so was nearly my demise her junior year.

[JustAMum]

Thank you all for replying. I find comfort knowing that I'm not the only one going through this. She told me this morning that she got into my bed because she couldn't sleep and was having negative thoughts... .not suicidal thoughts though... .which is a plus. I just wish she'd make a good girl friend. The girls she hangs out with at school are not really good friends to her. When she was 15 her best friend was seeing her then boyfriend behind her back. This was one of the reasons she tried to OD. She doesn't really have a really close girlfriend. She says that her boyfriend and myself are her best friends. I know she can be overwhelming sometimes but she is a good friend to others. I know she gets lonely sometimes. Her boyfriend who is only 17 has more of a balanced life... .with friends, sport, etc. I'll be glad when she finishes school.

[livednlearned]

I feel that way too -- about wanting my son to have at least one close friend. It's so hard when they're teens, we can't just head to the playground and know that they'll find someone to hang out with. Are you able to suggest social things outside the house that she might do? Does she have any specific interests?

[JustAMum]

She volunteers at an animal shelter. She's trying to get a job as a swimming instructor so she might meet people through that. Maybe next year when she's out of school she might meet people at uni. I'm not sure if she'll stay in contact with anyone from her circle of friends at school. I realise that being her friend is hard work as she is high maintenance but the thing is she is a good friend to others.

[BB_YogaGirl]

Again, such similarities. My daughter has always struggled to find a peer group. She had one best friend from age two thru middle school... .the daughter of my best friend who is almost two years older than her. The friend matured quicker than my daughter and while they still are each other, they are on different paths. It really hurt my daughter to her core that they grew distant. Part of her friends struggle is her mental health struggle, partly she's a bit less mature than her peers and part because she's switched schools several times. She does have a small group of peers that she is very close to be, but they don't relate well when she's spiraling. It's difficult to watch her not be a good friend to them when she's spiraling, because when she is well, she is such a sweet girl and a true friend to them.