Breaking Point

[SeekSusan]

Hi, I have been involved with a BPD diagnosed woman on and off for over a decade now.  Please bear with me, this will likely be a long story.  We were legally married in 2012 and are raising 2 children (ages 15 & 17) together.  The children are biologically hers and I have no legal rights.  We were together from 2002-2007 and then again from 2012-present.  I have been a parent to the children most of their lives.

Our relationship has always been rocky.  My partner has been diagnosed with BPD & PTSD (as a result of childhood sadistic sexual abuse).  She self medicates with alcohol.  In the last year the verbal and emotional abuse has turned to drinking and physical abuse.  Last Wednesday, she was arrested (the youngest son called) for domestic voilence and currently there is a no contact order between us.  I have allowed this order to be broken because of the children and our family finances.

I'm at a loss here.  If I take this opportunity to END this relationship the children will suffer living with her.  I only have 3 more years until the youngest is 18.

[maxsterling]

That's a tough situation.  I'm sorry you are in it  :'(  I know you want to do what is best for the children.  I would have the same emotion if faces with the same situation.  But remember - you can't help the children unless you first help yourself.  Just keep that in mind.

The positive here - at least the children are older, and it seems aware of what is going on enough to call the police.  That is very, very good.  Talk with the kids honestly and see how they are feeling.  Ask for their input.  They are old enough to understand.  Make sure they know how to take care of themselves, know their resources, and know how to be safe.

While not nearly as extreme of a situation, I was once dating a woman who was a binge drinker, and when drinking was abusive towards her son (11 at the time).  I wound up staying in violent situations (and in the r/s in general) longer than was healthy for me because I thought I was helping her son.  But before it was over - I talked with her son and was honest, asked if he could take care of himself, knew what to do in dangerous situations, and said he could always call me if he needed anything.  About a year later, I learned that she had been arrested for domestic violence (found out almost by pure coincidence).  I don't know the details of what happened, but I would be willing to bet the incident involved her son, and that he was the one who called for help. 

This is a tricky situation.  I am glad you are here and asking for advice.  Many of us have been in your shoes. 

[ArleighBurke]

What country are you in? In my country children over 16yrs can legally move out. So if they wanted, they could move in with you - whether you have legal rights or not.

[an0ught]

Hi SeekSusan,

this is a very difficult situation for all of you. Kudos however first to your son to escalate an unbearable situation to the authorities. This took a lot of guts by him and while the action was painful for everyone it was also necessary. It is worth validating that particularly considering that

I have allowed this order to be broken because of the children and our family finances.

which may indicate to him that the did the wrong thing.

Ideally the order should have been maintained, these tools exist for a reason. It is also common that they are not maintained as people feel they are unworkable. It does not make your life easier however as the situation you describe... .

... .increasing verbal and then physical violence... .

... .is a sign of lacking effective boundaries and a total erosion of respect. Dealing with such a situation is an uphill struggle .

In the recent past the situation has escalated and there were some - limited - consequences for her. Often such an escalation is validating the pwBPD and this can be calming for a little while. This can be an opportunity for you to push back on disrespectful behavior and get some basic boundaries (Setting Boundaries) in place. Financial constraints may limit your options at the moment - I would still encourage you to work on that front too.

The clearer you are about what your options are and what price you and others may have to pay to protect your boundaries  the less rage you have to deal with. And a decision whether or when to split up or not is less likely to be forced on you.

You wrote your wife is diagnosed. Is she or was she in therapy?

,

a0

[livednlearned]

Hi SeekSusan,

Holidays can often be rough, even for families without BPD.

You make it through ok?