I never thought it would escalate to physical violence

[sad4mydad]

I have had a very tough couple of days and am not soliciting any advice, but only support from people who can relate to what I have gone through.

My uBPD mom has been escalating in her negative behaviors, although she has been putting on a good show for me. I am only aware of it because I hear about it from my dad. They are still married after 40+ of her erratic behavior, and he just came to accept that she has a mental health issue a few years ago, and agrees that it is BPD.

Last week, they called to tell me that my mom had fallen off a step stool and sprained one of her wrists and broke the other one. I didn't think much of it - until my dad called me a few days later to share what really happened. Mom had gone into one of screaming rages and she started punching him. He pushed her back, and that is when she fell and hurt her wrists. As naive as it sounds, I was in complete shock. And I didn't know what to believe. He was clearly upset and ashamed, and the two of them were lying to the nurses and doctors about all of it.

They just moved to a new community so there are no support systems in place for either of them. I called their state domestic violence hotline to understand the state laws and to understand the options. Quite frankly, I wasn't even clear on who is the victim as they both clearly need help. I was able to get some clarifications, and then I flew out to see them so that I could figure out what is going on.

Without my asking, mom admitted that she was the one who hit my dad first. I was relieved that she didn't make up a story and that her story matched my dad's story. I started to plant the seed with her about getting help and she seemed open to the idea. In a separate and confidential conversation, my dad admitted that this was not the first time that things had gotten physical (and she is the instigator). It hasn't happened often, but a few times over the course of their marriage. Quite frankly, I was stunned. I never knew that it had gotten to that level. He has agreed to get some help for himself, to build a support system (i.e., tell his friends and siblings about his relationship with mom), to talk with a domestic violence hotline about what he needs to do to legally protect himself, and to begin to think about what he wants to do about my mom (i.e., leave or stay IF she agrees to get help and commit to trying that for a specified period of time).

It has, quite frankly, been an exhausting day. A long couple of months. A draining year. And while I am sad to be at this place (and frustrated that my parents cannot deal with this on their own), I finally feel as though we have reached a point where I can draw a line in the sand and say, "I'm not coming home again until you both get help - individually or jointly or both." And it actually feels good to be able to say that, to draw that line in the sand, and not feel guilty or bad about it because it's absolutely the right thing to do.

And while I have certainly played some type of enabling role throughout their marriage, I also feel like I can finally step back and say, "The two of you need to figure this out going forward."  I'm not saying that it will be easy, and the road will get harder before it gets better, but I feel a bit stronger than I did a few days ago.

Hopefully, this makes some kind of sense. (I also realize that I am pretty sleep deprived right now due to last night's redeye across the country.)

[busybee1116]

I just want to say good job. So hard, but you sound like you've got clarity and some great boundaries while also supporting your parents in a healthy way. Good job and go get some sleep! 

[Panda39]

sad4mydad,

I think you've handled things well too.  You've removed yourself from the triangle and put the responsibility to solve their problems back on mom and dad. 

I know the discovery of things getting physical is shocking and upsetting but I have found that sometimes these types of crisis moments can create change and push people to seek out the help they need.

I hope your parents take the opportunity to reach out for help.

Take Care,

Panda39