Being deceptive

[maxsterling]

I took the day off work today.  Basically, I need to get caught up on a few things, needed to go get a blood test, and just in general needed self care.  I literally felt like I would fall apart this weekend without some substantial me time.

But I didn't tell my wife I took the day off.  I don't know if that is bad, but I feel weird about it.  I've done this before, at the suggestion of my T, because I was worried if I took the day off and told my wife about it, she would change her plans as to spend the whole day with me.  T suggested at the time that self care was more important.

I worried the same would happen today - that if I told her, she would take the day off, too.  Or she would give me a list of things to do.  And I am not in the mood to deal with enforcing a boundary or dealing with that kind of conflict right now.  The easier thing to do is to take the day off, not tell her, and the chance of her ever finding out is incredibly small.  And if she did find out, I doubt it would matter to her after the fact. 

has anyone else done this?  I hate not being truthful here, but I also feel like I don't have much of a choice, and I hate that. 

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[JaneStorm]

I took the day off work today.  Basically, I need to get caught up on a few things, needed to go get a blood test, and just in general needed self care.  I literally felt like I would fall apart this weekend without some substantial me time.

But I didn't tell my wife I took the day off.  I don't know if that is bad, but I feel weird about it.  I've done this before, at the suggestion of my T, because I was worried if I took the day off and told my wife about it, she would change her plans as to spend the whole day with me.  T suggested at the time that self care was more important.

I worried the same would happen today - that if I told her, she would take the day off, too.  Or she would give me a list of things to do.  And I am not in the mood to deal with enforcing a boundary or dealing with that kind of conflict right now.  The easier thing to do is to take the day off, not tell her, and the chance of her ever finding out is incredibly small.  And if she did find out, I doubt it would matter to her after the fact. 

has anyone else done this?  I hate not being truthful here, but I also feel like I don't have much of a choice, and I hate that. 

For me, once I began feeling like I had to breach my integrity because of his dysfunction, I really looked deeply inside of myself and realized I can't live an inauthentic life because of my partner's lack of control. Once integrity is breached, coupled with resentment, it is a slippery slope to the dark side. For me.

[globalnomad]

I can very much relate to this -- and the need to just get some time to oneself. I have done something similar a couple of times. I pretended I was working late when I just wanted to spend a bit of time with a friend. She ended up finding out, and it was a major point of contention that she still brings up (apparently it makes me a compulsive liar). The fact is I did that because I was just utterly exhausted from conflict, wanted to spend time with a friend, but knew she would make a big issue out of it and I didn't want to deal with yet another fight. Since then I decided it was a really unhealthy pattern where I was compromising on my own values just to avoid having to deal with my partner's insecurities and anger. So I try to be honest about such things these days, even if I know it is going to lead to conflict. I can't say this is a perfect solution, however. The reality is when I am feeling really worn down I just don't want to deal with any more conflict, so I end up not taking the time out to take care of my own needs in a way that I should be.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm naturally a very truthful and honest person.

I've come to realize that there are many situations where the truth isn't the right thing to share.

This is one of those situations. You need a day off for self-care. You are taking a day off for self-care.

If you tell your wife about it, she will make something about her, create drama and stress. And you won't get the self-care you need today. So telling her the truth is absolutely the wrong thing to do. If you had to tell her you were taking the day off, you might as well not bother taking it off!

And honestly... .it ISN'T HER BUSINESS. You are entitled to take some time for yourself. You don't need to tell her everything that happens. It isn't a violation of her trust. You aren't betraying her. You aren't doing anything bad to her. You have a right to have privacy. You don't have a right to hide things from her that matter to her, but you get to determine what that is.

Just like your posts on these forums aren't her business. And they aren't harming her. Honestly, if you hadn't been posting about her here, you likely would either be divorced, or have not made it through to getting married to her.

This kind of privacy actually benefits her even though she doesn't realize it and wouldn't believe it.

Does she understand? NO. Would she believe it? NO. Would she blow up over finding out? Of course. But that doesn't mean that either is in any way wrong for you to do.

[unicorn2014]

Wow max, powerful post, thank you. I didn't know that you came to this board unmarried and are married now. That's kind of the position I am in, unmarried, don't know what the future holds.

I can relate to what you're saying and I have the same struggles.

I think Grey Kitty gave you some good advice.

I hope that things went well. 

[Notwendy]

Oh boy, I know that one.

We grew up in my FOO feeling like we were the masters of deceit! I even felt bad that my kids have been taught to with hold personal information from my mother. I felt like I taught them to be "deceitful" too!

But now, I don't. I think I taught them boundaries. As teens, I don't think they tell me everything either, and they shouldn't at this point, but I know that they trust me enough to tell me the important things. To have this though, I have to be trustworthy.

Or is it not deceit, but having healthy boundaries. To tell or not to tell, that is the question... .


In a family where there are no boundaries, not telling everything feels like deceit. I agree with the need to have integrity but we define that integrity.

We have boundaries about what we share with other people and who we share that with. We can share information with people who are trustworthy but choose to not share is with people who are not.

Not sharing everything and anything with mother was considered by her to be deceitful. But is having privacy deceitful? Mother also didn't have privacy boundaries and readily shared personal information with other people.

If we wanted to respect our own privacy, then we could not tell our mother something that we didn't want to share with anyone. So the boundary for us and our kids was to only tell her something that we didn't care if she told the world but something we did care about, we didn't share.

What is my boundary in my marriage? There are things I consider to be deceitful- spending a large amount of money without discussing it would be one of them. I don't feel I need to discuss going for coffee at Starbucks or buying a sweater at the store. Neither does he have to share something like that with me. Self care is another one. I don't need to explain it or defend it. Neither do you.

So, back to integrity. First, I ask myself is this something that breaks my marriage vows- such as cheating, stealing, outright lying. Is it illegal?  Self care is a personal right, and a necessity. Do I need permission to take a shower? Brush my teeth?  You do not need to share or have permission to do what you need to do to take care of yourself so long as it doesn't break your marriage vows. You are still two separate people.

It goes both ways. I don't know what my H is doing in his spare time. Ironically, it is him who is the most sneaky about this. If he gets time off, he doesn't tell me. This used to upset me because I didn't know why he did it. He also hides some expenditures from me- but he has learned that the result of this being a breech of trust isn't worth it. Why he did these things comes from his own fears- he was not allowed to do things for himself in his FOO, so he had to do them undercover. What he didn't realize was that, if I knew what he needed and wanted- I would have encouraged him to take time for himself, or buy something he really wanted. Hiding this was his problem.

I think the source of being deceitful about, or hiding things that are important to self care comes from being enmeshed and co-dependent, and the less co-dependent and enmeshed we are, the more we can see that it is OK to take care of ourselves and still have integrity.

I think it is great that you took the time off for you, didn't tell anyone about it and don't think it is something you have to explain. Taking care of yourself is not doing anything wrong. Your life and your time is yours. You choose to share it, and you can choose not to. I think in time you will learn to not feel badly about taking care of you while also being in a relationship.

[Cat Familiar]

I hope your day off was rejuvenating and you feel more caught up on things.

I had a thought about you getting more healing time for yourself. I don't recall if you've mentioned that you're a runner or a bike rider, but I thought either of those activities might be a good way to get alone time. And if your wife wants to join you, then you get her off the couch!    It's a win/win either way and it's difficult to have unpleasant conversations when you're breathing hard.

[maxsterling]

Thanks, everyone.  It was a great day off, and I did get some self-care in.  Hobbies, a little of "doing nothing".  Considering the weekend that followed, I don't regret my decision, at all.  I will save that for another post.

[twitchy]

That's great Max!

[Cat Familiar]

I think you need more of these self-care days, Max. 

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

I hope your day was rejuvenating!

I haven't done this yet, but I see it in my future... .however that doesn't stop my w from accusing me of already doing it. 

I like having alone time and in my first marriage because of our schedules I would get home first and have a few hours every day to putz, make dinner etc.  Now if I get a few hours a month it's a good month (after all, I work somewhat alone on a computer 8 hours a day, shouldn't that be enough alone time for me?).

But honestly I haven't gotten to the point yet to just do it... .I can't imagine the enjoyment I'd get out of it would out-weigh the hell afterwards.

[maxsterling]

IsItHerOrIsItMe -

I lived alone for about 20 years ever since I moved out from my parents house.  By in large, I never desired a roommate.  I enjoyed taking care of myself, and if I felt lonely I would hang out with a friend or family.   I had plenty of hobbies and interests that I would do on my own time and on my own schedule.  And I enjoyed it!  The hobbies kept me happy and out of trouble.

Living with anyone is a big change for me, but especially living with a low-functioning pwBPD.  I could never have imagined it being like this, however.  It's not like I need a ton of time by myself, but I feel like I have had almost zero over the past few years.  My hobbies have been mostly stagnant, and the free time I do have is often taken up by running errands and doing chores needed to take care of the house.  When W and I are both home, she expects us to spend 100% of our time together.  W currently has no friends, and cannot stand being alone. 

I will take more days off like this.  I think I am going to try cutting my hours at my second job - not to please her, but because I need more time for myself.  The trick will be to communicate to her in such a way that she does not feel abandoned.  I'm not sure if that is possible.  I think a better route, at least in the short term, is to find activities that are beneficial to me and that she can participate in.  Or, perhaps I can make definite plans with her - do this with her at this time for this long, and then encourage her to fill in the remaining time for herself.