While reading about BPD in research for D13, making discoveries about self

[MumofReh]

Has anybody else, while reading these boards, and reading books/articles, come across information that made you think, "This could be me?" I mean, I think my coping skills are greatly improved.  But the more I read, I start recalling times, mostly when I was younger, that I had BPD tendencies.  I was certainly self-destructive at one point in early adult-hood, but I never had thought of hurting myself or thoughts of suicide.  I am definetely seeing a resemblance here though.  My D13 struggles every day with suicidal thoughts.  And the more I dig into BPD, the more I can see that this was my mother as well.  Self-medicated.  In and out of men's beds my entire childhood.  Manipulating her parents, but also devaluing and cutting them out when it suited her.  I was the oldest child of three, plus her, and I took care of everything until I ended up in foster care. 

The guilt is tremendous.  I feel like I brought this on to my daughter.  My marriage of 16 years is breaking up and I am almost relieved.  Her therapy last night was hard.  I was allowed to sit in.  And on the way home my D13 revealed things to me that are not just disturbing, but made me die a little bit inside.  The only hope I hold quietly inside is that since we caught this early with her, maybe, just maybe, she can overcome her overwhelming emotions and be able to be successful in a relationship.  Then there is a part of me that just wants to run with her.  That if it were just me and her, we can beat this.  And yet, I have two other children who need me to be here. 

Again, I am also starting to think that everyone has BPD tendencies when they are struggling with enormous pressure or stress.  I guess it is how we end up coping overall that determines how far we slip.  Maybe I am just feeling this way because dealing with her has also sent me into depression?  There was a time where I always stood up and fought for things that were meaningful to me.  Now I just withdraw, get quiet, watch... .I have literally shut everyone out because explaining to anyone the daily struggles with her is exhausting and always misinterpreted. 

I understand that I am a candidate for therapy as well.  There really is not enough time.  I work two jobs and have to take D13 to all her appointments because she refuses to let her father be involved.  And now I feel selfish for thinking all these things. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lifewriter16]

Hi MumofReh,

It sounds like you are having a very emotional day, today and that's not at all surprising in the circumstances. How are you feeling now?

Yes, there are plenty of other people on this site who have thought "This could be me". I am one of them. When I read the posts of men who describe how their girlfriends run or ran around on them, I see myself in my late teens/early twenties.

You touch upon many issues in your post including your own childhood pain. In my experience as a mother, I have found that my own pain intensifies my distress at seeing my own daughter in pain. I can feel both guilty and helpless. Being a mum is hard, especially when your own past has been painful. However, we can only do our best and commit to making the improvements we can make at the pace we can cope with. Ultimately, we have to be kind to ourselves because beating ourselves up over our failures only perpetuates the dysfunctional aspects of our behaviour.

From what I understand (and please jump in folks if I have understood wrongly), the brain structure is thought to be different in people with BPD so there's no surprise that it seems to have a genetic component. However, it must also be borne in mind that the traits that we see in people with BPD are thought to be traits that we all have to a lesser or greater extent, so there's no surprise that you recognise yourself in some of them. It's a matter of there being a spectrum of severity and it is the severe impairment that warrants a diagnosis of BPD. Many of the significant others here on BPD Family are subclinical. However, we can all learn to cope better with other people's behaviour by learning to detach and by working upon our own childhood issues and our coping behaviours.

You mention the possibility that you are depressed. You might like to have a look at his:

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a112.htm

You might also like to look at the lessons to the right of this thread (BPD Family Connections), if you haven't already done so. They will show you some tools you might use with your daughter and help you to step back from the situation you are dealing with.

Keep reading and keep posting. Things can improve.

Love Lifewriter