What to do when baby is in the middle?

[tm006f]

The other night my BPD husband and I got into a fight about sex.  We haven't had it in over a month, maybe two.

I walked away to try to end the fight.

I went to the bathroom and locked the door, because he recently has had a tendency to burst into the bathroom when I walk away from a fight.  Sure enough, he tried to get into the bathroom and when he realized the door was locked he started shaking the door hard, which woke up our baby.

So, I left the bathroom to pick up the baby who was crying.  He followed me into the bedroom and started grabbing at my shirt and trying to pull my pants down.  He has never sexually assaulted me or anything.  I think he just wanted to scare me, which of course he did and I was holding the baby and it was extremely upsetting.

I kept telling him to leave the room.  I used the safe word (which a couples' therapist had come up with).  He told me f the safe word he didn't care about an f-ing safe word anymore.  Finally I told him to leave the room and I would come talk to him once I got the baby back down.

He left the room and once the baby was back down, I went back to talk to him. 

Of course, he told me that everything was my fault, that he was being perfectly normal and it was me who f-ed up the night.  I apologized.  I didn't know what else to do.  We didn't even talk about how he was grabbing at my clothes and trying to pull my pants down--while I was holding the baby no less.  Even though it scared the crap out of me.  Literally.  Before I went to talk to him, I had to go to the bathroom and I had bathroom issues (sorry to be gross).

He told me I just use the baby as a shield.  I asked what he expected me to do, just leave the baby crying because he was mad at me?

Honestly, I think he is so incredibly jealous of the attention that the baby is getting that he cannot deal with it.

What should I have done?

Just let the baby cry until he was calmed down?

What do I do if he comes after me again and I have the baby with me?

Honestly, I am so checked out of this relationship right now.  I really feel that if we didn't have a baby, I would be out of here.

Our couples therapist has told us directly that he doesn't think either of us could get full custody, so that's the only thing keeping me here.  I don't want to have to go one day without seeing my baby and I really don't want to risk having him take care of her on his own when he has so little control of himself.

What do I do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LilMe]

I can't give you any easy solutions, but can definitely relate. I stay with my uBPDh to protect our children. We were separated, but I came back when I was pregnant and he had already seen a lawyer about custody of the baby!

Please do not leave your baby crying, especially when awoken like that. You are the only one the baby can trust for comfort and protection.  Most PD'S are the result of babies/young children who do not feel safe and protected by at least one primary caregiver. A few minutes a fear and crying can feel like an awful eternity to a baby.

The lessons on the right side of the page can help you better deal with your situation. I am sorry you and your child are dealing with this!