Says I don't give him any affection

[nodoover]

Husband has been angry lately, nothing new.  We haven't been having sex lately because of first my then his moles coming off and some pain and mostly because his anger repells me.

I want to be more loving and affectionate but my background of angry upbringing has me afraid of anger.

I was patient with hubby for the most part until he begged to move back to where our kids are 2 states away. I tried to talk him out of it because i knew the high level of stress might break us up.

We have been together 16 yrs married 15 but only the first ones were good.  Its both our third marriage so no matter how hard we have been trying to make it.

So while I am going through worse stress in ten years we have almost broke up many times, or I am letting his anger trigger me.  Finding it almost impossible to get away from the anger, he is on to me leaving rooms now and follows me causing me to get angry.

This morning after days of stress with new doctors, things breaking around house, etc he tells me it hurts him too much to sleep with me since we havent been having sex so he wanted an agreement not to even try to have sex anymore and for him to stay in guest room.

I asked him if he wanted to have sex with someone else and he said if i haven't already i won't.

Then went into this thing about not caring if he dies and he hates life.

How do you live with someone like that?  I could barely handle it at my last place with friends, gym, bookclub, part time job... .here i have none of those. I just joined small place to use exercise machines but having no friends is very hard and i don't want to tell my family what is happening or they would just want me to leave.

I told him lets do what you want for now but lets keep options open for later.

He is so up and down i am hoping if things ever settle down around here we can improve.

We bought older home and painting every room so right now i feel like i live in dissarray can't build any bed frames, put up pics, or put together bookshelves until painted which he is going slow.

I just started seeing a new counselor so will tell her tomorrow, but i feel like every counselor i see once i describe my life wants me to leave.  I can't afford to leave. Not working now, 59 and living off of husbands retirement... .that was our deal because i used money i got to buy house.

Any advice?

[hollycat]

I too am on my third husband, who is BPD. He too, hates life and often wants to die, telling me to put a bullet in his head. Always said while he is raging. So yes, I am familiar with the rage and it breaks my heart to see him in so much pain. He always wanted sex; in fact,  he often demanded I set the alarm for 3 am, so I could wake up, roll over and give him oral sex. Then he wanted sex just before I had to get up for work (he is on disability) and would often pout when I would roll away and say, I have to get ready for work! Then he wanted sex in the evening also.  At first this was great, and then became a bit of burden as an everyday event, so it cooled off. Then he would complain he got no sex.  I think with borderlines, sex equals love. So, no or little sex=no or little love.  I adored cuddling with my BpdH; to me it was almost as good as sex, but he felt differently.

We separated on June 29th for myriad and complicated reasons and have bounced back and forth with being apart and being together. We now live in different states and as of last night, he has frozen me out and stopped responding to texts or calls.

How to handle it? I have no good advice because we fell apart. I couldn't handle it anymore.

I too live in an older home which I purchased because I love old houses and BpdH said he could do "anything I wanted to it." It was incredibly difficult to get him to do anything other than an emergency repair. To hear him tell the story, he worked nonstop on the house and only stopped when I was unable to make a decision. He felt he worked "like a slave" yet we were in the house for two years when he left and my kitchen is still gutted, from two years ago.

I wish I had something encouraging to tell you. :'(

[nodoover]

Thanks.  Yes my hubby is the same about house stuff, thinks he has done more than he has, but I will say when he finally finishes something he is very good at it.  Once you get him going he is a great worker.

Things are calm now, only because he raged this morning, so for awhile he will be either extra nice or depressed.  Right now he is extra tired from stress, he is retired and I don't have job here yet so that doesn't help.

[livednlearned]

Hi nodoover,

Welcome, and hello  

A lot of the stresses sound like things that would be stressful for anyone, whether the relationship was stable or not, whether BPD or not. You're doing the right things, finding a gym, meeting with a counselor. Are you working on finding a new bookclub? How is the job search going?

It takes strength to work the skills needed for a BPD marriage, so focusing on you has to be job number one right now, getting these key pieces into place so your cup is at least half full. You have us, you are exercising, you're on a roll  

I found my T was very good at some things. I had to come here to learn about effective communication techniques, right down to key phrases.

Following you when he's angry sounds like a tough one. Can you tell us more what happens to lead up to this? How long before he lets up and moves on?