10th time breaking up - I have to make this one stick, and get past the sadness

[alwaysT_Time]

Oh my, it has been a year, almost to the day, that I have been in this relationship - off and on throughout.

There was talk of a future, talk of the police, talk of children... .apologies and forgiveness.

Ultimately though it is toxic.

They accused me of being abusive. Of being controlling and manipulative. That I made them ill and sick and all that. However, when they called things off, and I followed those wishes, within a week they would call or email or text. And each time I thought "this will be different; we can just be friends." They were right about that - we cannot just be friends.

The sheer pain I have gone through - I feel so much shame and guilt for things getting to that point.

As of now I have blocked them every way I can. It hurts. I will miss them, but I also don't know if I ever really knew them. Every day I am terrified I will run into them, and feel myself hyperventilating at the thought.

It will take time to adjust and make new patterns - healthier patterns. I developed some fairly unhealthy habits while with them - drinking more, exercising less, letting myself become stagnant. No more.

Thank you for reading. Any support or help or kind words are much appreciated.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Hello alwaysT_Time.

 Welcome to bpdfamily.  

 It sounds like you have been through a rollercoaster ride.  Those ups and downs can be oh so sweet at the peaks of intensity and brutally devastating at the lows.  Feeling shame for sticking around through such pain is something I have dealt with myself, on one hand I felt that my BPDex broke my heart and soul and I also felt that I let it happen so I did it to myself, it is a thick grief to go through.  I also have been through the wondering if I ever knew them.  In my case I realized that the person I fell in love with was not the same person in my bed.  The real person was someone I only saw more than a year after the r/s ended, when I took off my rose colored glasses and was emotionally strong enough, and wise enough from the journey, to see it.  I had some very unhealthy habits myself during my two year tour with BPD.  I put on 80 lbs before it was over (thankfully lots of self care has gotten rid of that, gyms are a wonderful place to channel overwhelming pain and improve physically at the same time).  I too dealt with the hyperventilating, for months I would have to excuse myself at work to have a small meltdown and collect myself again.

You have made the first hard step, realizing that the r/s was toxic to you.  Knowing isn't always feeling, it takes time for our hearts to catch up to our brains.

What kind of adjustments and patterns are you planning to develop to improve and heal?

[alwaysT_Time]

What kind of adjustments and patterns are you planning to develop to improve and heal?

We spent a lot of time together - a lot. So getting over that will be a challenge. They knew a lot about me - I shared a great deal, and confided in them during a hard time. I also realize I became isolated from friends and family (intentionally or otherwise) during this period, and need to undo that.

I need to do a lot of self work - figure out how I became enveloped in a dysfunctional relationship, and could not get out at first. Or second. Or third. It is not how I have been in the past.

Thanks for the kind ear   

[JaneStorm]

Oh my, it has been a year, almost to the day, that I have been in this relationship - off and on throughout.

There was talk of a future, talk of the police, talk of children... .apologies and forgiveness.

Ultimately though it is toxic.

They accused me of being abusive. Of being controlling and manipulative. That I made them ill and sick and all that. However, when they called things off, and I followed those wishes, within a week they would call or email or text. And each time I thought "this will be different; we can just be friends." They were right about that - we cannot just be friends.

The sheer pain I have gone through - I feel so much shame and guilt for things getting to that point.

As of now I have blocked them every way I can. It hurts. I will miss them, but I also don't know if I ever really knew them. Every day I am terrified I will run into them, and feel myself hyperventilating at the thought.

It will take time to adjust and make new patterns - healthier patterns. I developed some fairly unhealthy habits while with them - drinking more, exercising less, letting myself become stagnant. No more.

Thank you for reading. Any support or help or kind words are much appreciated.

I am in the same boat. I think we are right where we belong.