Amazing-I did it

[bpd mother 51]

In my relationship with my BPD spouse I am working on validation. I have had a number of failed attempts and did not see how it could really work. I had little hope, I guess, My husband was on a strong episode insisting I was cheating on him. I validated without validating the invalid, and it worked! He is OUT of the episode. He is ok now... .It actually worked! OH my, validation properly applied is helpful in situations of extreme emotions/irrationality! It felt fair. I did not have to give up my experience of situations to reflect his. It worked SO much better than, "Are you out of your mind? Do you realize how irrational this is?" It was way better then logic!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Congrats, BPD mother 51!  Good job not giving up... .despite some unsuccessful attempts.  Would you be willing to share the details of the conversation?   Would be really helpful to learn from your success.

Thanks & congrats again!

[Chilibean13]

Congratulations! I'm smiling for you because I know how empowering it is!

[bpd mother 51]

Congrats, BPD mother 51!  Good job not giving up... .despite some unsuccessful attempts.  Would you be willing to share the details of the conversation?   Would be really helpful to learn from your success.

Thanks & congrats again!

                Thank you for your reply. I just focused on one thing. That was just reflecting the feelings he was having, no matter how crazy they seemed. That was the validation I was working on. I used to think, "Why should I have to reflect irrational perceptions?" Then it sunk in about not judging their feelings. As long as I referenced that "xyz" made him feel "abc", I was reflecting his experience without agreeing with it, or judging either way. I thought if I gave the validation, he would then expect me to act on his perceptions, but he just relaxed and left the episode of anger and irrationality.

[unicorn2014]

Good job BPD mother 51, I'm glad you were able to do that! 

(In my own relationship I am trying to take space because I can't validate right now.)