We need a new psychologist

[Chilibean13]

My H has been in T for almost 6 months now. In the beginning I saw major changes and he even went almost 3mo without dysregulating. Then he started up again in OCtober. We began to attend counseling together and since then I feel like my H is no longer growing. Our sessions are now about working through a dysregulation that he's had and it ends up either being 1) Let's each talk about how this situation affected us or 2) A session for my H without me getting much say. I really like his counselor but I don't think he is taking the issues quite so seriously. Then again, when he has individual sessions, I don't know if my H talks about dysregulating or he makes it out to be not as big a deal. At this point he is back to dysregulating every couple of days while his sessions are now every 2 weeks. That's a lot of dysregulation between sessions.

I think it would be good for him to find a new counselor, but I don't know how to convince him of that. He is already tired of going to counseling as it is so I'm pretty sure he won't be open to starting over with a new one. Plus that would create fear and anxiety since it would be a new circumstance. It took a lot just to get him into counseling. The only reason he went is that our pastor had to step in and required him to go as part of his continued membership at church (at that time he was dysregulating on other members).

I also have a lot I would like to privately share with the counselor but I don't have sessions with him. Is it normal for both parties to have private sessions in marriage counseling? I want to tell him about the reality of what goes on in our house. I want him to see that it's more than just a "marriage" problem. Any advice on how to proceed?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[TheRealJongoBong]

Finding a competent psychologist who you can work with is a difficult task. I can also indentify with your husband's frustration as working with someone who doesn't seem to be helping feels pointless. From my experience therapists working with a person do not want to involve other family members due to the legal and ethical issues that might come up. That said, it does not mean you cannot communicate with his therapist your point of view and desires.  You simply call them up, explain first and foremost that you don't want to know anything about the work going on between your husband and the therapist, but simply want to provide them with more information that may help them in their work. The therapist may or may not choose to listen but you will never know until you try.

If it is possible you can ask your husband if he is comfortable with his therapist and if there is understanding between them.  There are lots of opportunities for triggering him here, so this direction may cause more problems than it's worth. Since your pastor is already aware of what's going on he may be able here. If your husband doesn't feel involved then that's not going to help at all, and finding another therapist may be the best choice.

It might actually be a positive sign that your husband is dysregulating more often than before. As the therapist gets closer to his source of discomfort he will likely start to act out more. My wife did this to an amazing degree before she finally saw the light about her magical thinking and projections.