The free, relaxing, giving day

[Samuel S.]

Being involved with a BPD is no easy matter as we can all attest to. It is a continuous task due to our love and to our commitment to them, as long as we are with them. We can learn from the lessons here. We can vent here.

So, yesterday was one of those special days which I rarely have. It was the free, relaxing, giving day! I did not have any obligations. My BPDw was at work. So, I was free. I chose to go out of town to feel that much freer, that much more relaxed. I did a little Christmas shopping. I went to a movie. I entered a store, and a little girl held the door open for me. I thanked her, and I complimented her mother. I even shared some ideas about how to prepare for her family's future now. They were all grateful. Then, I met up with some friends of mine for dinner for my birthday, and they treated me to dinner and even gave me a gift card. So, indeed, it was a very positive day, and it revived myself, and it felt good to give.

When I returned, my BPDw really wanted to share about how she worked so hard during the day and how she prepared some meals for us, all of which I validated and expressed my total appreciation. It seemed to help her, but I also said I had a great day of it, but she wanted to take her shower and to return to her studies.

So, her complaints were based on her reality, but I devote a lot of time and a lot of energy for our family here. So, having a day off like this works wonders which will not or cannot be blemished by her!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JayApril]

That's great that you had a nice day. But, sucks that you have to vent often I know how that is. Good for you for getting out. Happy Holidays.

[Ceruleanblue]

I'm glad you had a good day. I sometimes find it funny how I'd bet people in more stable marriages don't even probably think in these terms. I mean, my Mom and Dad had a good, healthy marriage, and I don't think they ever saw good days as a rarity.

It's like we have our own community on here, venting and offering support and kindness, because so many of us don't get it from our spouses. People I know in real life, have a hard time understanding why I stay, or relating to the "weird" factor of living with a BPD/NPD spouse. The only things BPDh really likes to talk about are himself, or things he enjoys. Other people don't see this so much, as he feigns interest with them.

So many things that come along with BPD are hard, but one of the hardest for me is that we don't have much of a "bond", because of the lack of communication. I don't think BPDh even really feels the need to bond, perhaps.

I sense that your wife shows a general lack of interest, or superficial interest in you and your life? I live with that too, and it never gets easier. BPDh will ask about my day, but beyond that, he doesn't care, and in fact, I think he's even tuned out before I even answer. It used to hurt me, but I'm pretty used to that now.

Personally, I think both our spouses are pretty narcissistic. From others on here, that seems to be pretty commonly comorbid with BPD.

[waverider]

Sometimes my wife asks questions and acts interested, it doesn''t seem fake. It sounds like she wants to be, but cant manage to be interested enough for it to sink in.

The interest doesn't take a life of its own, it is merely a reflection.

[Samuel S.]

Ceruleanblue, your comments are so heartfelt, and I relate to them so very much. BPDs have their own sense of priority, and they refuse to really want to relate, to listen, and to understand. In the meantime, we nonBPDs relate, listen, and understand. Of course, we too have our own sense of priority; however, we have a mature outlook about life, that the world doesn't revolve around us. The world revolves with us on it, both literally and socially. I just wonder if they will ever grow up and realize how much they have truly lost.

As for us, indeed, people on the outside to whom we talk both personally and professionally question us as to why we stay. In fact, just the other day, I had lunch with a dear friend of mine. He asked me that he would like me to be happy and that I am not really happy. I responded by saying that there are glimmers of hope now that she is improving, that she is maturing. Yet, I wonder if I am fooling myself or trying to convince myself. Perhaps, even both!

[EmotionalWarfare]

It's truly great that you had an amazing day!  We all deserve this.  I am happy that you didn't let you wife ruin your happiness.  Your post made me smile.  I too found enjoyment hearing about your day and your resilience.  Thank you for sharing.  Good luck my friend.