How to know if your SO was sexually abused?

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I am looking for the answers to why my H has this disorder and reading a lot about how 90% of people with Bpd have been assaulted in some way.

Our last therapist who saw us together when we lived in Hawaii thought that my h Bpd had some deep issue he was repressing. She said "there is something deep rooted in him." And she told me, "you can't dig it out of him."

I know my husband's parents are good people. His mom Bpd was abused by her dad, physically and verbally. I know my h Bpd didn't spend a lot of alone time with him. His dad tried to kill himself by jumping off a cliff at the age of 27. Both of my husband's parents suffer from depression and are medicated. His mom is in DBT. Neither will talk to my h Bpd about mental health - even when he threatens to kill himself. (They blame me). All his siblings work for themselves from home and the whole family as my therapist said "lack social norms."

My husband sometimes has night terrors. And always seems really frightened if I wake him.

How do I know if he's repressing something bad from his childhood? Will it come out during DBT?

The only reason I wonder is because my therapist really thinks he's repression something, but also because his family is super religious I wouldn't doubt if something has happened at church, my husband is the type to be ashamed and feel guilty - I could see him as a child not tellinf his parents who and I quote said "they would never move from their family, and our church is our family." So I feel like a kid wouldn't tell his parents something bad happened when the parents are that obsessed with their church.

As far as he says his parents never fought in front of them and as I know are very very not confrontational and are very meek. Everything is very surface level. I think I scare them because I lived in NY for a bit and am kinda blunt and to the point about things.

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[goateeki]

I don't know if I can help answer this but here's some relevant information.

Ex wife diagnosed with BPD and complex PTSD.  I know the following things about her life: (1) mother, while very young, left her home and relocated several states away to live with an aunt, for what I am told by her contemporaries was birth of a child resulting from an unplanned, non-marital pregnancy (this would mean that somewhere in the world my ex wife has a half-sibling), (2) mother abandoned my ex wife's family when ex wife was 11, to live with a man 13 years her junior in his parents' basement, (3) ex wife's very early, if not initial sexual experience was a rape, and shortly thereafter she also had an unwanted pregnancy that ended in an abortion, (4) ex wife was attacked and raped at knife point for hours while we were in early days of our courtship.

Nineteen year marriage imploded a few years ago for a variety of reasons. During that time, she proclaimed often that the worst part of our relationship was the sex, which she hated (in fact, "hated every time".  To this I replied "Well, your body did not once hate it. Maybe you should have a conversation with it." And I mean, it did not. Her body loved it every single time, for 19+ years.  This puzzling statement was accompanied by events like her texting me that she wanted "to tie [me] up." When I confirmed this in writing, I brought home what she would need to do that. This made her angrier at me than she had ever been. She claimed first that she never told me that she wanted to tie me up, and then when I showed her the text conversation, she told me that she didn't mean it and I should have known she did not mean it (despite confirmation). 

There are a lot of reasons to think that she has never been well, and by that I mean she doesn't have the ability to sense the conflict between loving sex and telling her partner that she hated every instance of it, or understanding that words she says have meaning to the people who hear them.  There is just no way a rational person can understand her inner life. I'm a person who is happy with ambiguity, but to me, she has often seemed almost schizophrenic in the way her words and actions do not connect. It's reached a point where her words don't mean anything to me, and we have to parent two young kids.

I think that sexual abuse is not something easily understood even by the pros.  I think that its effects are different in people. 

I also think that understanding the specific causes of someone's behavior doesn't really mean all that much to someone in the position of you or me.  If someone is making you unhappy, knowing why they are doing it doesn't alter the fact that they are making you unhappy. Behavior is all that matters, I think. Understanding the reasons behind behavior is relevant to the therapist, but it's deadly to us, because it becomes a justification for behavior and for us an excuse to remain in a complex and unsatisfying relationship. Now I don't presume to know that you're unhappy, but many people who come here are, so you may be.

Good luck.   

[maxsterling]

Interesting topic.  Here is what I know for sure:  W was abused by mom as a child.  W claims plenty more abuse by dad, ex boyfriends, other people, relatives, etc.  Some of that may be true, some may not, some may be her perspective.  But she believes she was abused.  I also know what she calls "abuse" sounds to me more like others enforcing boundaries.  Example - she claims dad was abusive to her as a teenager because he called police on her.  He called police because she hit him and kicked him in the nuts.  I wasn't there, I try to not make judgment either way. 

Recently we watched a movie called "Frank".  I loved it!  The plot revolves around a creative musician "Frank" for an experimental band who wears a paper Mache head that hides his face 24/7.  He's been wearing it constantly for years.   The other main character assumes Frank had a rough childhood or trauma of some kind, and that is why he hides inside a costume.  He assumes that is where Frank's creativity came from - the childhood trauma.  At the end of the film, they meet Frank's parents who are basically middle class normal people who claim Frank had a normal happy childhood, and just started wearing the head as a teenager.  No major traumas or events. 

Seeing that movie gave me a different perspective of my wife's stories.  Sure, she has had many horrible things happen to her, but many of those horrible things may be her perception of relatively normal events, or may have been events where she was an active participant.  An example may be a work experience - she may badmouth an ex-employer for firing her and creating a horrible place to work.  But on the grand scheme of things, the employer was just enforcing a boundary against a difficult employee.  My feeling is if the employer was really as bad as W claims, that employer would not be in business.   Same goes with exes.  She tells the story of having an abortion because the father of the child abandoned her and how traumatic it was.   Yet, when she says the details, she says she intentionally quit using birth control, had no feelings for the guy (didn't even know where he lived), and when she found out she was pregnant, harassed him by phone, became violent with him, screamed at him, and threw things at him.  And she feels traumatized because he called her "crazy" and changed his phone number in attempt to get away from her.   

My point here is that your SO may or may not have been sexually abused from an objective standpoint, but that is a separate issue from how he feels about past events.  SO may feel he was sexually abused, and that is what is important.  There's really no way for you to know the true story, and that is unimportant to you.  Leave that between him and his T.

[Lifewriter16]

One time when my BPDbf was staying over with me, he started having images of an event and all sorts of feelings associated with it. I was convinced that a repressed memory was emerging. It had all the signs of one. A few days later, he came back to me and said he'd checked it out on the internet (the event he described would have made national news and there would be a record of it) and realised that it couldn't have been real. His emotional experience was very, very real though. My bf was psychotic as a kid, beginning at the age of 6 years old. It is quite possible that his 'memories' were psychotic experiences rather than actual ones.

So, how can we know if our significant other was sexually abused? We can't, unless there is third party corroboration. Often, even a non who has suspicions that they have been sexually abused has few clear memories and has to heal despite never being truly sure that they were abused. With BPD, it's even more complicated because the psychotic aspects can cloud matters.

Love Lifewriter

[maxsterling]

Lifewriter - that doesn't surprise me.  I know that in the case of common events, my W has a very different take than me.  W claims I tried to choke her during a past violent episode.  Completely untrue, but I have to accept that she feels like I choked her. I think during those episodes, W has no memory or a very distorted memory, but it is real to her.  Extrapolating, W claims that an ex choked her and tried to kill her, and is traumatized by that.  If she claims I choked her when I did not, what does that say about the ex?  Other details about that old story is that my W had recently quit taking meds before this ex supposedly choked her... .

[goateeki]

Interesting topic.  Here is what I know for sure:  W was abused by mom as a child.  W claims plenty more abuse by dad, ex boyfriends, other people, relatives, etc.  Some of that may be true, some may not, some may be her perspective.  But she believes she was abused.  I also know what she calls "abuse" sounds to me more like others enforcing boundaries.  Example - she claims dad was abusive to her as a teenager because he called police on her.  He called police because she hit him and kicked him in the nuts.  I wasn't there, I try to not make judgment either way. 

I agree with this.  I know for a fact that the second time my ex wife was raped, she was actually raped. The man who did it was convicted and jailed for 18 years. She seems much more vague about her first sexual encounter.  She has characterized it as rape, but she does not lean very heavily on that characterization and adds phrases like "I didn't know what was happening."  I've read books on BPD in which the authors (therapists) remark that the "it just happened" view of events seems a common part of the thinking of some pwBPD. 

Amazing how little we can actually know.

[Harri]

Hi Hanging.  What makes you think it was sexual abuse?  I ask because the family history you outlined is in fact enough to cause serious psychological issues---> 

His mom Bpd was abused by her dad, physically and verbally. I know my h Bpd didn't spend a lot of alone time with him. His dad tried to kill himself by jumping off a cliff at the age of 27. Both of my husband's parents suffer from depression and are medicated. His mom is in DBT. Neither will talk to my h Bpd about mental health - even when he threatens to kill himself.

Parental depression (and his father's was/is severe if he attempted suicide) and denial of a psychological disorder being present in the home are pretty big factors.  Add to that the fact that your SO's mother probably had multiple issues from the physical and verbal abuse that were most likely not addressed and the fact that her mother probably acted as an enabler and stayed married to a man (from what I can tell) who abused her daughter, and you have the perfect environment for breeding BPD.  Couple all of that with someone (your SO) who may have a more sensitive psychological make-up... .  BPD seems, to my inexpert eyes, almost a given in such a situation.

Emotional and verbal abuse are just as damaging as sexual and physical abuse.  In addition, they are often pervasive and covert.  They have become normalized.  Parentification is rampant in households where parents have mental disorders.  Neglect, in one form or another, often coexists.

How do I know if he's repressing something bad from his childhood? Will it come out during DBT?

I would say it is a given that he is suppressing something.  Is it sexual abuse or physical abuse?  No way to say for sure.  It could be that your SO, like so many in society, is minimizing the horrible and debilitating effects of neglect, growing up with a mentally ill parent(s), and parentification (I assume), or, more simply (and more horrifying) they are simply unaware of what constitutes abuse.  The body knows.  The inner child knows.   

[Thread]

Goateeki

Thank you for sharing your story! Yes I'm happy and unhappy. And yes I like to fit pieces of the puzzle together. I guess it's the old psyche major in me. Also just wanting to empathize and understand why he is the way he is... .What happened to cause him so much pain and low self-esteem.

My h Bpd is similar on a much much lesser scale, but the denial of doing or saying things, and the reasons or excuses why he said or did those things, the. The empty apologies. But the beginning of that whole thing is always "I don't know" or "I didn't do it" or "you're the one who did that or said that" it's very tiring isn't it?

Thank you for your insight

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Maxsterling

Thank you also for your story and you bring to light a very good perspective! Sometimes it's hard for me to validate the things that are just feelings, because to me it's like facts are facts and if it doesn't add up its not truth. I know I need to practice validation better and empathize that he really deeply feels these things true or untrue.

Thank you.

[Thread]

Harri

Thank you for your wisdom! I like it and it does make sense that emotionally immature parents would yield a Bpd child. The reason I wondered sexual abuse is because two of my therapists wondered about that. They just both felt There was something he was suppressing. And just the whole 90% of Bpd have had some sort of abuse or sexual abuse, by like you said that could be verbal and or emotional as well... .And yes youre right his grandma did stay married to the abusive grandfather.  

I also just went there knowing how sometimes that happens to kids in church environments... .And how into their church his parents are I would think that would be something a kid wouldn't want to tell his parents who are so into their church family. (The old psyche major in me likes to dig at things... .I know it's not my job, I just wish I knew what caused him to feel so unloved or unloveable! I files part of me thinks of i know the story I can tolerate it better or help heal it - I know I can't and he needs to reach understanding by himself). It's hard to love someone you see suffering and not want the answers as to why and not want to help.

His parents are very in denial of their own stuff not very interested in digging deep and avoid conflict. They are very hermit like his father works from home and his mom is a house wife who I know said she has to make sure she leaves the housemaid does activity as a goal. Their lifestyle is pretty much be at home, church, therapy and home again.

[formflier]

  A quick perspective:  I am curious about the origins of my wife's disorder and used to spend a lot of time trying to "properly" diagnose it.  Truth be told, very likely she is more PPD than BPD.  But they are close cousins.  The biggest gains that I made in r/s improvement have been when I was focusing on tools and behavior, rather than trying to "figure her out".  Most people that are in a r/s with a pwBPD have limited time and energy.  And if you ever find yourself with a time and energy "budget", I would encourage people to focus on identifying the proper tools to apply to the behavior being presented today  Yesterday's behavior is old news.  The feelings that drove that behavior are most likely long gone.  So, even if we figured out that our SO had been sexually abused years ago, that is not the issue today (although it certainly influences today's issue).    Today's behavior is today's behavior, as are the feelings that are driving it.  That is where to focus the majority of the effort.            

FF

[goateeki]

Goateeki

Thank you for sharing your story! Yes I'm happy and unhappy. And yes I like to fit pieces of the puzzle together. I guess it's the old psyche major in me. Also just wanting to empathize and understand why he is the way he is... .What happened to cause him so much pain and low self-esteem.

My h Bpd is similar on a much much lesser scale, but the denial of doing or saying things, and the reasons or excuses why he said or did those things, the. The empty apologies. But the beginning of that whole thing is always "I don't know" or "I didn't do it" or "you're the one who did that or said that" it's very tiring isn't it?

I can't tell you how often during the breakup my ex would look me in the eye and say some very specific, very cruel thing directly to me, and then when I'd bring it up in MC as a reason I thought we should pull the plug immediately, she would emphatically deny that she said it.  I can't imagine what this must have been like for the marriage counselor.  I'd always had a vague feeling that her mind did not work like the mind of anyone I know, but I tried hard to overlook this and have a marriage.  It didn't work.