Double Abandonment

[KaishaMikasa]

As most of you know I separated from my wife almost a month ago.  This was due in part to her chasing an old boyfriend amongst other things in this round of dysregulation that I will not go into.  On Friday I went to a movie with a meetup group just to get out with some new people.  During the movie she started texting me repeatedly.  I finally text her I was in a movie and would have to discuss things later.  I did not hear back from her.  On Saturday (the following day) my family asked if I had seen her FB profile picture update. I looked and it is her dressed up for a party she went to in Seattle last month.  But then I noticed the time and it was clear that she was home and things did not seem right.  So on a hunch I looked at the love interests FB and they were no longer friends and his birthday was on Friday.  His girlfriend had a party for him and my wife had posted on one of the pictures but one of them unfriended the other.  On Saturday she had liked a new page her started for a business he is kicking off but nothing else.  Today Monday I got a call from a friend of mine that said she got a call from a mutual friend that my wife does not really know at 12:30 in the morning.  She asked if during a pub crawl next week if she could hang out with them and at first asked if she "was allowed to talk to her?"  and that she need someone to go with so that she was not so alone and look pathetic when she went.  Now this town we live in in a bedroom community with a lively downtown scene.  My friend is in that scene and so is the love interest.  My wife stopped by the house on Saturday and played it off well but we did not really talk as I am tired of her stopping by.  On Sunday and Monday she has had virtually no contact with me (which is lovely).  My theory is that she feels abandon by him and by me and blames me for both!  Keep in mind I did text the love interest the day I threw her out and just said hello with some of the screenshots attached.  After that my soon to be ex came over and said that "he cancelled their date"  and wanted me to talk with him to let him know it was ok to go out with her.  I told her to get out of my house and that she was delusion.  So what does everyone think?  I think she has decided that she can't meet people because of me and that I am to blame for the love interest running away from her.  I honestly think that he used my text as an excuse to get rid of someone who was stalking him.  He did reciprocate at first but I think she was creeping him out.  Any opinions would be appreciated and any ideas on how to handle her as we have not gone to court yet and she is watching the kids for a few days while I am on a business trip.

[once removed]

hey ehartma5 

its hard for me to say, not being in your situation. it does sound to me that shes lonely, and her efforts arent really working out for her. does she blame you? hard to say, but certainly possible.

youre going through a divorce, which is complex and complicated and painful for all involved. personally i recommend getting a little space for yourself in this time. maybe tell your friends youd prefer not to discuss her right now, and if she is soothing herself by finding someone in the process, let her. its not your problem 

[thisworld]

My two cents. All this must be very tiring for you, even if you may not notice it fully right now. You need to look after yourself well and keep a cool head for the sake of your children. It's very difficult to keep a cool head when we are exposed to the strange, super-fast things that happen in a BPD's life at the speed of light. Our brains and sometimes hearts try to take in all the information, absorb it and build a somehow meaningful story but I believe that is actually impossible, unnecessarily overwhelming and draining. Under your circumstances, I would get into survival mode, which is limiting myself with myself, immediate people I'm responsible for (like children), safe and trusted friends and family members. The rest of the world may wait as it will give me nothing but scandals - plus, with a BPD there will probably new stories even before I am able to grasp one. I would not try to make sense of what's going on between this new love interest and my ex because usually these fallback people and the people around them are unhealthy people, too. So, it's a web and it is a craze. I would ask my friends and family not to share with me information related to my ex - if there is a life threatening situation, I would hear it from authorities anyway and the rest would not be my business. If I have to get into contact for the sake of children, etc; I would be polite but neutral and I would use all my communication skills not to escalate any situation and get through the situation as quickly and healthily possible. My weakness would be: Because I'm conditioned to perceive this person within a certain personal, intimate, whatever framework now, my mind slides (like a relapse) and I might forget about my real objectives and get personal in a kind of spiral. If I'm in face-to-face contact, I might secretly breathe before every sentence I utter and remind myself of my real objective - in my case, send him away from my house without any further crisis. Calmness but with firm boundaries work for me, he tries to violate and provoke but I stick to them and situation doesn't escalate - through for a limited amount of time. At this stage he knows a lot of my boundaries and feels that I really don't/wouldn't feel responsible even if he staged a parasuicide. I would simply call the police and the healthcare. The short period of time that he complies, that's my window to achieve my objective, further than that is trouble. It is somehow saddening but all my objectives have to be about what I want, there is no "we" anymore and my objectives are about my safety and my right to protect myself from future trauma. 

Good luck