Need advice

[citadel]

My partner had BPD (fairly obvious as I am here :P)

He was open and upfront about this right away when we started talking as merely friends. When I first started reading about BPD, I admit that I was a little scared as it is a rather taxing to deal with and so hurtful. You have to have patience and fortitude, and I don't always exhibit those things, though I try. I am thankful that I am with someone that actually acknowledges they have this illness, and they have spent the last few years in therapy and managing their issues. He does fairly well in truth, and I am proud of how hard he works on it.

He does the typical things they do of course; silent treatment, invalidating my feeling on occasion and believing that I am being selfish when in fact it is the other way around. I do the typical in response; let things go I perhaps shouldn't and occasionally react like it is personal. We are both stubborn and can butt heads about things, and we do get in little tiffs. I'm still a human, and he is still a man with a disorder he is struggling with, but we try to maintain our awareness. Overall I think we managed quite well though (fingers crossed we can maintain it), and when we do have issues they go generally really well if I can remain calm. I see, based on things I have read, comments on articles and forums that I am lucky in this regard.

This being said... .I need some guidance in one particular thing.

I have been reading a lot about boundaries and the reason they are important and of value. I feel we have reached a place in our relationship where I need to set those in place. I know what those boundaries will be, however, I have no idea what the consequences are supposed to be. For example, "It is not okay to walk out of a conversation, hang up, or vanish without saying, "I need a break"." Well, what exactly am I supposed to do other than repeat those words? They will mean nothing without consequences. The only one I really can feasibly use is, "It is not okay do that or we are through." That isn't the end result that I want though. I'm not looking to break up, but I don't understand what I should be saying the consequences are that are going to actually matter. This isn't a child, "If you do that, I'm taking the television away."

Suggestions?

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[babyducks]

Hi citadel,

and

I have been reading a lot about boundaries and the reason they are important and of value. I feel we have reached a place in our relationship where I need to set those in place. I know what those boundaries will be, however, I have no idea what the consequences are supposed to be. For example, "It is not okay to walk out of a conversation, hang up, or vanish without saying, "I need a break"." Well, what exactly am I supposed to do other than repeat those words? They will mean nothing without consequences. The only one I really can feasibly use is, "It is not okay do that or we are through." That isn't the end result that I want though. I'm not looking to break up, but I don't understand what I should be saying the consequences are that are going to actually matter. This isn't a child, "If you do that, I'm taking the television away."

Suggestions?

You have found the tricky point about boundaries.   Enforcement.    Let me explain what I do and see if you can mold it into something that works for you.

My boundaries should be about me, and my values and my comfort.   When expressed that way I have a much better chance of explaining them and enforcing them without escalating things.

I use this communication model When ________ (event happens) I feel __________ so I need to ___________.

In your example it would look like this for me.   When a conversation ends with the phone being hung up on me I feel hurt and discouraged.   It takes me a while to recover from feeling hurt and discouraged so I will need to recharge my own batteries by taking a long walk in the park and then a evening off from talking.

You would need to modify it to fit what works for you.    What I am trying to do is say hey there are consequences to your behavior, while doing something healthy for me.

does this make sense?   what do you think?

'ducks