Too much anger

[CrazyChuck]

I can validate all the time. But I have noticed my uBPDw seems to be getting angry more often. We slept in and she had her head on my chest. She was rubbing her hand back and forth on my chest while reading her emails on her phone. Then she got mad at something her boss wrote. I asked what he said and she said "He says that I'm trying really hard". So I said "Maybe he is saying something positive.". She exploded that I should shut up. That she hates when I insult her like that. She just wanted me to help and I just wanted to start a fight. I said "how was I starting a fight?" which she replied "by saying something stupid!". I just kept saying "I'm not fighting, I want to help". Which she replied "By fighting with me?". I said again "I'm not fighting". She said she can't take it. I said "take what?" which she replied "Your insults and fighting." I said "I'm not fighting". A few hours later she said something to "Thanks for starting a fight and ruining my day". I replied ":)o you think I was fighting with you". Which she got pissed all over again and rehashed how I was insulting and started the fight by saying something stupid.

This happens often. She can tell me she loves me so much and in less than a second explode that I didn't respond fast enough, or I am on my phone too much, or a thousand things. I try to validate and then just say "I'm not fighting with you". But she thinks and says I'm doing all the fighting.

I must say "I'm sorry" 5 times a day. I feel like I'm going crazy. 70% of the day I can feel so in love and fantastic and the 30% is pure stress.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CrazyChuck]

I posted in wrong forum. This should be in - Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner (*Staying)

[waverider]

she said "He says that I'm trying really hard". So I said "Maybe he is saying something positive

She already had her interpretation, you putting the opposite interpretation is saying she is wrong without even exploring why she thinks this way.=invalidation. You went straight to "T" without any "S & E"

Try:

You" do you take that in a positive or negative light?'

Her " negative'

You "In what way"

Her' because... ."

You " that must make you feel hurt to think thats how it is meant... "

Her " yes it stinks'

You " Have you considered that he may not mean it that way"

Her  "what else could it mean?"

You "Have you considered xyz... ?

Her " Thats BS... '

You "You probably know him better than me"

You considered her view, introduced your reality, sowed the seed, then didn't go on to sell it, hence avoided pushing her into escalating defensiveness. Not selling your reality is often the better way for them to review something without "loosing face' and admitting they were wrong.