uDPBD/NPDxw has cut off communication - should I submit to court?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've got a tactical question and I'm evaluating whether this will be helpful to my custody case in California. All opinions are welcome.

My ex filed a move away about 6 months and is attempting to relocate the children 100 miles to her parent's house. We have 50/50 legal and physical custody. She has refused to co-parent with me for 5 years. About 50% of the attempts i've made to communicate about the kids (with a wide variety of communication styles) has been either ignored completely or I've been accused of trying to 'control' her and/or 'harass' her. As a typical PBD, she has made this imaginary 'harassment' into a central theme of her case and is attempting to use it as an excuse for not co-parenting.

This morning, I learned that she allowed the children to receive two elective vaccines - something she knows I have strong feelings about - without my consent. I called her out in a text message and was probably a little too firm... .the bottom line is I informed her that she didn't have my permission, one of the boys got sick from the flu vaccine and in the future she needs my consent in writing for any vaccinations.

She responded by stating my emails and texts are "high conflict" and that she's now blocking me from her phone and email and I need to leave her a voice mail on her office phone to contact her.

During our case, I have shown that she refuses to co-parent and I made a very strong argument, providing texts, voicemails and emails to support my claims. We are in the middle of a custody evaluation and I'm wondering if it will help me to submit this latest refusal to receive any communication from me to the evaluator.

Thank you for your time and opinions.

Cheers,

Calidad

[calidad]

I've got a tactical question and I'm evaluating whether this will be helpful to my custody case in California. All opinions are welcome.

My ex filed a move away about 6 months and is attempting to relocate the children 100 miles to her parent's house. We have 50/50 legal and physical custody. She has refused to co-parent with me for 5 years. About 50% of the attempts i've made to communicate about the kids (with a wide variety of communication styles) has been either ignored completely or I've been accused of trying to 'control' her and/or 'harass' her. As a typical PBD, she has made this imaginary 'harassment' into a central theme of her case and is attempting to use it as an excuse for not co-parenting.

This morning, I learned that she allowed the children to receive two elective vaccines - something she knows I have strong feelings about - without my consent. I called her out in a text message and was probably a little too firm... .the bottom line is I informed her that she didn't have my permission, one of the boys got sick from the flu vaccine and in the future she needs my consent in writing for any vaccinations.

She responded by stating my emails and texts are "high conflict" and that she's now blocking me from her phone and email and I need to leave her a voice mail on her office phone to contact her.

During our case, I have shown that she refuses to co-parent and I made a very strong argument, providing texts, voicemails and emails to support my claims. We are in the middle of a custody evaluation and I'm wondering if it will help me to submit this latest refusal to receive any communication from me to the evaluator.

Thank you for your time and opinions.

Cheers,

Calidad

[bravhart1]

I would NOT under any circumstances leave communication with a Bp on voicemail. I would sign up for my family wizard and notify her by certified mail sending copies to everyone involved including CE.

I would get book called BIFF and make sure any emails are run through the litmus test of if they pass the BIFF format. Brief, informative, friendly, firm/fair (?).

I would call your attorney if you have one and explain that your rights regarding vaccinations were disregarded and that you want to make it clear that you will not be marginalized in the future. Just because BPDm does not see value in your relationship with your children ( moving them away)or value in your right to be consulted regarding their healthcare ( vaccinations and therefore apps without notice) does not mean she is right in this assumption and this will not be taken lightly by you. You do see your value and you will not just "go away" just because you are no longer desired by mom.

[ForeverDad]

My Ex was opposed to vaccinations when my son was a preschooler.  I was 'cautious'.  However, on her own when she had temp custody she granted one vaccination because it was required for the HeadStart daycare she used.  I had no input.

Later, to get into kindergarten, the school nurse called me - I think she hadn't responded - and told me some more were required.  I made an appointment with the pediatrician's office, notified her (she still had temp custody) and she went ballistic.  The pediatrician's response was to 'fire' her with a notice "withdrawing services" for raging at the staff.  Guess what, Ex talked with the school nurse, found out she could use a state waiver form to list the reason for her objection and skipped the vaccinations.  Now that I have custody, she expected me to do all the catching up.

Frankly, I wonder whether officials would see your objections to optional vaccinations as substantive.  I'm not saying it's wrong, I too tried to keep them down to a minimum.  I recall one where they wanted 3 vaccinations that applied to drug addicts, food servers and another at-risk group.

I'm thinking it might be good to focus more on her unilateral action, not involving you in the decision, than the vaccinations itself.  (However, that the shots were optional may make the difference that it is socially okay to not have the children participate.)  Also, of course, her refusing to email or text any more for parenting issues.

[Thunderstruck]

Our uBPDbm was (and still is, I guess) doing the same thing. She would harass my DH in texts and emails, then turn around and claim that he was harassing her. We filed a motion to use Our Family Wizard only for communication. After she "lost" at the temp CO hearing, she refused to sign on to use it. She claimed in court that DH was using OFW to "harass" her so she refused to log-in... .and the judge was not happy. The judge had us add into an unrelated order that she be required to log in every day and respond to messages.

I think it would be a good plan to file a motion with the court stating that BPDx has been difficult in communication, and that you request the parties communicate via OFW only.

[formflier]

  I would try to back this up and talk about "medical decisions".    Vaccinations are too precise.    The issue is that you want (absent a true emergency) joint say in their medical care.  That is worth enforcing.          

FF

[livednlearned]

Do you feel it will influence the case one way or another to include it? Sounds like it's relevant.

How is the case going?

Often people with BPD will provide *evidence* by calling it evidence, as though something is true because they said it. My ex, a former trial attorney, submitted one of his own 7-page emails as evidence. Then he requested that I read his email aloud in court.    "Lnl, you are a terrible mother and can't cook, and everyone hates you, blah blah blah."

If you have a strong pattern of behavior demonstrated in documentation and a half-way decent custody evaluator, it will probably be clear where the problem lies, tho it never hurts to ask them if you have questions about whether something is relevant to the case.

The tough thing is that many courts really don't want to make a decision. They hope that tempers will settle down and parents will sort things out without the judge ruling one way or another. So even with strong evidence we can encounter a lot of watered down compromise.

For that reason, you might want to add as much evidence as you can. My ex sent a weird letter addressed to my son, c/o livednlearned. I have an "S" in my name, and ex always writes is as "$". Inside the letter were three things: a star, a bookmark, and a sticker. Don't try to make sense of it -- it makes no sense.

We were already scheduled in court, and I just happened to mention the letter in passing. L wanted to include it, so we did. The judge spent more time on that item than the thousands and thousands of emails and all the other evidence I brought to court. Even weirder, N/BPDx kept saying the letter spoke for itself.

Um, no. No it does not.

You never know what's going to help a judge snap the big picture together.