Knowing your own self-worth

[Hopeful83]

Hello guys,

This may turn out to be a bit of a ramble, so bear with me.

My three-year relationship with a man who I demonstrated BPD traits ended six months ago. It was an ugly breakup that came out of the blue and smacked me over the head. Six months on and I'm still reeling from shock, and not a day passes by when I don't sit and question why and how this all happened.

As I slowly come to terms with it all, the pain is subsiding, but what I undoubtedly know is that I have a lot of inner healing to do. This broken relationship has put a mirror up to my face and I'm having to face up to the fact that what I see is rather heartbreaking.

My ex was my first serious relationship. It was, like it is in many of these cases, a whirlwind affair. We moved in together almost immediately, and I cancelled plans that I had to travel around the world. I had never met someone whom I trusted so quickly and easily. I have no regrets; we had some wonderful times together despite what he now says, but the truth was there were plenty of dark points, too. He had uncontrollable rage which got worse over time, and I was left a sobbing mess after every single episode.

My first question to myself when this ended was: WHY did you stay with someone who was abusive? Yes, I loved him dearly, and he had many good characteristics which is why I justified staying. But the truth was he was badly scarred by childhood trauma and refused to get the help he needed. I genuinely believed in him and I genuinely believed he'd get help when he was ready - what happened in the end? He turned his back on me the minute things got tough with his family who didn't want me to marry him, and he got engaged to a z-list ex within two months of us splitting.

So I had put all my faith in a man who threw it all back in my face. Beyond love, I realised I was petrified of losing him. I had waited so long to be with someone, and now that I had it I didn't want to let it go. I genuinely felt I'd never find someone like him again and that if I lost him I'd be alone for the rest of my life.

But this is where I failed to recognise my own self-worth, and how I know I have a lot of work to do on myself before I even think about a new relationship. People always say I'm a catch, and I'll sit and agree with them as they list out reasons why I'm worthy of someone great, and I'll nod and say yes and feel all pumped up in the moment, but once the conversation ends I realise that I just don't *feel* it. And therein lies the problem. I don't feel worthy.

Sure, I can sit and list how I'm intelligent, interesting, not bad to look at. I have a good heart, I've travelled wide and far, I have a cool job, I am loving, I know how to cook, I am independent, I have good family values, I know so many interesting people and I have led a great life until now. I list all these credentials and yet I still don't *see* it.

No offence to my ex but a friend of mine pointed something out to me the other day, not out of malice, but to get me to see how I really don't value myself the way I should. I always thought of my ex as a catch - handsome, good heart, ambitious. And the truth is, I thought I was punching above my weight with him. It took for my friend to point out that he should have been the one feeling that way, and that my ex's world expanded when he was with me - before we got together, he'd led an insular life, hanging out only with people from his own culture, did things a set way that had been thought out for him by his family, and never really questioned things. I came along and opened his eyes to a whole new world - my friend cannot believe that my self-worth is so low that I cannot even see that. Her words were "his world is going to shrink back to what it was without you, and you still cannot even see how much you did for him."

As I mentioned, she didn't say this out malice - she just wants me to see the bigger picture. I'm mourning him and wondering if he's missing me because I just don't feel like I'm worthy of love, while she's saying that EVERYONE else thinks he's an absolute fool for walking away from me.

I don't want the narrative of this breakup to turn into: "see, you're not good enough. He's moved onto someone else."

And this is how I know I have a lot of work to do on my own self-worth, self-esteem and self-love. I grew up with a mother who also demonstrates strong BPD traits, and spent most my childhood walking on eggshells. It was tough and I'm only just realising what damage it did to me and my self-esteem. If nothing else, I'm grateful to have had this relationship because without it I wouldn't have this new level of self-awareness.

So I guess my point is, my priority now is to work through this past pain and finally work on my self-esteem. I just hope it's something that I can build up, even at this stage of my life. This 32 years of faulty thinking that I need to address, which is rather daunting.

Hopeful

[whitebackatcha]

I came on the boards tonight because I was feeling exactly how you just described. I could have written everything you wrote, almost word for word. It's been five months for me, and I've been doing a lot of inner work, but like you, at my core, I still don't feel worthy. Like you, I don't want this to just become further proof that I'm so awful, nobody important ever sticks around with me.

[daz_bpd]

i feel exactly the same, I think our self-worth was 'fragile' or highly susceptible to others perception of us, and that having a BPD partner can exacerbate our feelings of our own identity since they can build us up and tear us down very easily.

So the healing begins from two ends, we draw our state or self-worth from within and rely less on how we perceive our value from external influences (other people), and also we don't allow others behaviour to so easily rattle, and reduce our own identity.

I've noticed that I am 'surprised' when someone helps me, like its a gift - when i conduct myself in a way that is constantly wanting to give and support others. its an imbalance. I was wanting to do everything for my ex, yet she did nothing for me. And it was all my fault when things didn't work out.

That 'sticking around' element is a common factor too, i wonder if we are calibrated to have those we love, to want to be with them all the time. With woman i date now, if they don't call me or message me often I assume they don't care, yet if i meet up with them, they are very caring and loving, I may just be quite needy in that regard that is not the 'normal' range of what others usually require.

[Hopeful83]

I came on the boards tonight because I was feeling exactly how you just described. I could have written everything you wrote, almost word for word. It's been five months for me, and I've been doing a lot of inner work, but like you, at my core, I still don't feel worthy. Like you, I don't want this to just become further proof that I'm so awful, nobody important ever sticks around with me.

I think it definitely helps to read stories that resonate with us. Makes us feel less alone with what we're facing 

It's good we're aware of it - I never had this level of awareness about my 'issues' before, so I now feel like I'm in a position to tackle it head on. It's not easy, but I know it's the only way I'll ever make peace with myself and in turn attract a healthy partner.

[Hopeful83]

i feel exactly the same, I think our self-worth was 'fragile' or highly susceptible to others perception of us, and that having a BPD partner can exacerbate our feelings of our own identity since they can build us up and tear us down very easily.

So the healing begins from two ends, we draw our state or self-worth from within and rely less on how we perceive our value from external influences (other people), and also we don't allow others behaviour to so easily rattle, and reduce our own identity.

I've noticed that I am 'surprised' when someone helps me, like its a gift - when i conduct myself in a way that is constantly wanting to give and support others. its an imbalance. I was wanting to do everything for my ex, yet she did nothing for me. And it was all my fault when things didn't work out.

That 'sticking around' element is a common factor too, i wonder if we are calibrated to have those we love, to want to be with them all the time. With woman i date now, if they don't call me or message me often I assume they don't care, yet if i meet up with them, they are very caring and loving, I may just be quite needy in that regard that is not the 'normal' range of what others usually require.

Hello daz_BPD,

I'm the same - when someone helps me with something I'm shocked and I feel like I want to return the favour to them straight away.

I was also very insecure when I was with my ex, even when I had no reason to be insecure. It ate away at me over time; I don't want to be this way anymore. It's exhausting. I also think to myself, if I've managed to achieve everything I have with the fault way of thinking, imagine what I could do if I actually believed in myself more.

As you rightly said, we have to begin to draw our self-worth from within and rely less on how others perceive us. One of the reasons I stayed with my ex is because he did boost my self-worth - he was very supportive of my work, told me he loved me every day, was very affectionate etc. I need to learn to do this all for myself, though.

There's a long journey ahead, but I guess it's a good thing I've realised all this about myself - some people go through life without ever facing up to what they need to heal. My ex is the perfect example of this.

[Indiegrl]

Hopeful83,

and the rest of you :-)

I totally resonate... .9 months out, and I realize that the main answer to "how the he... did I end up here?" (at the age of almost 45  ) is that I do not love myself. I have to heal my inner child. I do not feel worthy of good stuff. As you said:

a catch, and I'll sit and agree with them as they list out reasons why I'm worthy of someone great, and I'll nod and say yes and feel all pumped up in the moment, but once the conversation ends I realise that I just don't *feel* it. And therein lies the problem. I don't feel worthy.

Exactly my experience as well. But: I just don't *feel* it. So true.

It's interesting how shame arises from not feeling worthy of love. I thought I was free, strong and independent - and in so many ways, I am (also in a balanced way, not only in the avoidant attatchment-style way) - but when it comes to self-worth and putting myself in the receiving end, putting MY needs first (eh, aligned?) - oh that's so... .beyond scary, it's almost impossible to grasp. I am not able to relax if others' needs are awaiting. Only when I am totally on my own and know that others' needs are covered, I can breathe and just be... .and relax. Ugh, no wonder one gets exhausted and stressed out, right? ;-)

So yeah, to avoid this unhealthy relationships practices again, I need to enter the very scary place of caring for and loving (yuk) myself (brrr... .spooky!).

--> Practicing self-care. How do you do that?

[Hopeful83]

Hopeful83,

and the rest of you :-)

I totally resonate... .9 months out, and I realize that the main answer to "how the he... did I end up here?" (at the age of almost 45  ) is that I do not love myself. I have to heal my inner child. I do not feel worthy of good stuff. As you said:

a catch, and I'll sit and agree with them as they list out reasons why I'm worthy of someone great, and I'll nod and say yes and feel all pumped up in the moment, but once the conversation ends I realise that I just don't *feel* it. And therein lies the problem. I don't feel worthy.

Exactly my experience as well. But: I just don't *feel* it. So true.

It's interesting how shame arises from not feeling worthy of love. I thought I was free, strong and independent - and in so many ways, I am (also in a balanced way, not only in the avoidant attatchment-style way) - but when it comes to self-worth and putting myself in the receiving end, putting MY needs first (eh, aligned?) - oh that's so... .beyond scary, it's almost impossible to grasp. I am not able to relax if others' needs are awaiting. Only when I am totally on my own and know that others' needs are covered, I can breathe and just be... .and relax. Ugh, no wonder one gets exhausted and stressed out, right? ;-)

So yeah, to avoid this unhealthy relationships practices again, I need to enter the very scary place of caring for and loving (yuk) myself (brrr... .spooky!).

--> Practicing self-care. How do you do that?

Hey Indiegrl 

Funny you should say that you thought you were free, strong and independent - the year before I met my ex I also felt that I was at the peak of my 'strength.' I had a well-paid job, my own car, a beautiful little apartment. I practised yoga five times a week, went for meals in nice restaurants with my friends, bought myself nice things now and then. I look back on that 'me' and think wow - you had it together. And in many ways I did have it together.

After a string of failed dalliances with a bunch of loser guys, I had decided I was no longer going to focus on men who weren't worth my time. And I've realised that that was why I had such a good year. I was focusing on myself - albeit without the self awareness that I now have post-breakup with my ex. I didn't have any drama in my life - my priority was me and it felt great. Then my ex came along and I embarked on a three-year relationship with him.

It somewhat saddens me to realise that I have such deep running self-worth issues. I was insecure throughout the relationship, not so much from what he was doing but simply because I'm insecure. He did his best to make me feel better, but it needed to come from within and I realise that now. I also realise I have a lot of work to do on my self-worth - I don't want to feel this way anymore. I deserve to feel like an equal in whatever relationship I get into next; not to keep worrying that my partner will wake up one morning and realise I'm a fraud and that he's better off without me.

It was exhausting for me to feel that way, and in the end he took off anyway. But I refuse to feel that he left because I wasn't good enough - he wasn't good enough to behave the way he did, and that's final. This is the narrative that fits and this is what I'll continue to tell myself.

As for self-care, another member on here told me how she dates herself now. So that's what I'm going to start to do alongside therapy. I'm going to date myself and give myself all the love I used to shower on my ex. I'm a loving person, and I deserve some of that love myself! I will take myself to nice restaurants for treats, I will get my hair done, I will go to the movies, I will take solo trips. I'm going to give myself all the TLC in the world. I'm also going to get fit again, rebuild my life - both from within and externally. And hopefully somewhere along the way I will start to feel more worthy. But yeah I know that therapy is going to be a big part of my journey; I'm not so sure I can figure all this out on my own.

Hopeful

[whitebackatcha]

I met my ex during a very low point in my life, so it makes sense that I would fall for someone like her. Unlike so many others here, she didn't call me names or criticize my life choices. In fact, she was the first person to make me believe in myself. Even after the break up, there were times when I would have her voice in my head saying, "Of course you can do that, why wouldn't you be able to?" She was very matter of fact about it, and I believed her. I owe all the hobbies and activities I am now pursuing to her building me up.

The problem with her was that she would get irritated over any random thing. She would end conversations, sometimes end the relationship, because of something I had said. I would memorize what she did and didn't want me to do, only to have her get irritated the next time I DIDN'T do what had previously upset her. She ended things once because I had asked her, when she was telling me about her day, if she had been at Target. She was mad because I knew she never went to Target, so I shouldn't have asked... .even though I did remember, but she had said she had been there awhile back for a specific reason, and it was the only thing that made sense to me given the context of what she was saying. She also abhorred answering questions about aspects of the relationship, as she hated feeling controlled, but then she felt I was being controlling if I felt jealous or insecure and it happened to slip out in some way or another. It was an incredible amount of stress to be with her, always wondering what would set her off. One of my biggest personal insecurities is that I am always waiting for people to realize they don't like me anymore, that they could do better than me. And then here she is, silently holding the threat of leaving me over my head at all times (on that note, she was angry at me a few times for asking her what she thought about something before I told her what I thought, because she knew I was doing it because I was scared of her rejection). It was impossible to win with her, and she always acted like I should have known better... .which is funny, because that is exactly how my mother was, who I believe had NPD.

Thinking about dating lately, I have wondered if anyone is actually nice. People show their best side most of the time, and are at their worst with their partners. What if everyone is not much different from her once you get close to them?

[Reforming]

Hi Hopeful83

Good post and kudos to you for deciding to work on yourself.

I think many of us slipped into our relationships with vulnerabilities that we were either unaware of or learned to hide away from childhood. Depending on how one responds the painful relationships often open a window and let light into dark places that we'd locked away.

Your exes behaviour defines him - not you. He has his own issues and they're his, just like his choices are. You're not responsible for them

I'm sorry that you've been hurt, but from what you've said it sounds like you've escaped from something that would in all likelihood have become increasingly destructive to you.

I realise that 3 years is a substantial time investment, but imagine if you spent a decade or more and there were children involved?

You seem to be reframing in the best possible way by recognising the opportunity for growth and healing. Well done

It is hard work and it can feel daunting, but it's a really brilliant investment in yourself and your future happiness.

I think inner child dialogues are a great way to start learning to love yourself. They can feel a bit awkward and stilted in the beginning, but they are a great way to get to know yourself better and great way to understand your needs.

I also think some of the schema visualisation exercises can be a really powerful tool for healing. It's worth checking out Jeffrey Young's primer on schema therapy Reinventing Your Life if you're interested in finding out more.

Well done for finding the strength and the courage to work on yourself and the best of luck with your healing

Reforming

[Indiegrl]

Reforming,

I'm i interested in the inner child dialogues. Would you be so kind to point at good resources on how to start and practice this? Books or favorite youtube-videoes? Or describe how you do it? I feel both clueless and a bit "terrified" to go there (and that's a clue, for sure... .)

Thanks.

[Reforming]

Hi indiegirl,

My schema therapist encouraged me to do these as a written conversation between the adult part of me and the small child me (we all have this part of us)

In the privacy and safety of these written dialogues the adult part of you encourages the small part of you to describe what they are feeling. Lonely, scared, sad etc. Imagine that you're talking to a five year old and imagine that this little child is yours. Really encourage it to talk and try to listen with empathy and without judgement.

This is the vulnerable part of you and it needs love, support, understanding and encouragement.  

Frequently this part of us feels hurt and lonely because we have another part of us, a voice that's called our inner critic, that hurts us

This inner critic is often very ingrained. Frequently we've internalised the negative or destructive voices from our childhood that hurt us and made us feel small until this voice has grown into something very negative and destructive.

This inner critic isn't helpful - be clear on that - it's hurting the vulnerable part of you that needs love and support.

The adult part of you needs to protect your inner child by confronting this inner critic, rejecting it and eventually evicting. This takes practice and self awareness, but it can be done

This is essentially self soothing, something that some people learn as children when they internalise what they experience from their loving parents.

You have to build a relationship with little you and gain its trust so be patient and gentle, but try and be consistent. Put aside 10 minutes (or whatever time you can afford) and try and do these dialogues as often as you can

With practice you'll learn to tap into your inner child's feelings, give it the love and support it needs and understand your own needs better.

Another really powerful technique used in Schema Therapy is guided imagery.

Your therapist asks you to choose a painful moment in your childhood. Try and step back into that moment in time describing the situation in detail. The clothes you are wearing, who is with you, the smells and sounds. Then try and describe what this small you is feeling.

When you've done this the therapist asks permission from the little you to go back that place and time and be present too. The adult you and the therapist step back into that moment and talk to the little child, encourage it to describe its feelings and give it the love, support and reassurance that was missing. Again it takes practice, so don't be discouraged if it feels awkward or strange, but it's amazing what a powerful healing too this can be

Hope this helps

Reforming

[Indiegrl]

Reforming,

THANK you so very much, this is really helpful for me. I've come to understand the concepts, and realize I have to deal with this, but have found it difficult how to start, how to "go about" to do it.

Written dialogue, you say, interesting, I love to write, use it as a tool, always have. May I ask - who starts? Where is my starting point, is it a feeling or more like a situation, a memory - is the starting point the adult observer or the lonely, insecure and sad child?

Frequently this part of us feels hurt and lonely because we have another part of us, a voice that's called our inner critic, that hurts us

This inner critic is often very ingrained. Frequently we've internalised the negative or destructive voices from our childhood that hurt us and made us feel small until this voice has grown into something very negative and destructive.

Yes, I have always been my worst critic. Lately my inner critic seem to have gone on steroids or something, it's been a constant flow of second-guessing and harsh critic, louder than ever before... .  There isn't a thing I can do and feel at ease, contempt or that this is good enough. And I always blame myself, and next I tell myself what a failure I am. It's exhausting. It never stops.

This inner critic isn't helpful - be clear on that - it's hurting the vulnerable part of you that needs love and support.

The adult part of you needs to protect your inner child by confronting this inner critic, rejecting it and eventually evicting. This takes practice and self awareness, but it can be done

That is uplifting, you saying that it can be done. It's hard to believe though. But I am so tired of myself. Not ever finding rest from the negative noise inside.

This is the vulnerable part of you and it needs love, support, understanding and encouragement. 

Did I ever feel loved at home? No. Rational I could tell they behaved well, but did I feel loved? No, I did not.

Did I feel their support? Well, partially - have always been credited for hard work and good grades at school.

Did I ever feel understood? Oh no never. That was a big hurt for me, from my teens. Still can hurt me whenever I feel - they do not know me, they do not understand me.

Did they ever encourage me? No, never. Or there is one exception, my finishing exams, one of them told me "I believe you can do it". Strong memory for me. But where to start? Always the opposite, I have felt "crippled" by the default pessimistic outlook: You cannot trust anybody but yourself, you have only yourself, don't expect anybody to take care of you, you have to be independent and self-providing, always be careful because things normally do not go well, there are risks and dangers and bad people everywhere - and do you really think you should be doing that?

I've never ever taken a risk in any way all my life... .always on the right side, never doing anything wrong, not even as a child.

I really don't like this exercise, but know I need it, for sure. And I do desperately want that inner critic to shut the f*** up!   

Let me add: I do not blame my folks any more. Did as a youngster. But I can see them actually doing better than their parents. I can see their traumas and anxiousness. Their shortcomings are understandable to me. And there hasn't been abuse - this is more about low levels of understanding, encouragement, empathy; as in seeing thing from my perspective and doing things on my terms (as a child). I was a very lonely child. Anxious and insecure, invisible and alone. Taken care of, yes, but lacking mirroring and the soft&tender care you would want to indulge your children.

To me it has been somewhat healing to have kids, to see their innocence and thereby comprehend that I too was innocent and not to blame as a child. It'a very important to me that my children feel loved, feel seen, feel understood. That they know I am here for them, always, unconditionally - because they are my children. I think I've learnt a thing or to about what NOT to do when raising children :-)


Thanks again, Reforming!

[bravhart1]

I would look at the fragileness of your self worth, and the pieces that feel broken in you and see if that's why when you met someone who was also fragile and broken ( although I believe in a much deeper more significant way) you were reticent to abandon them for their faults. You were hoping your faults would get a pass too.

The parts of you that need support may have allowed you to get together with someone even more broken for protection and "recognition".

So moral here is that you will need to shore up your fragile bits, before allowing someone else in, or else you may choose someone who is more broken than you again, thus fulfilling your worst fears of being hurt, which I believe people with BPD can't help hurting those who are trying to love them. Theirs is a whole different type of hurt, and forced abandon which is why you are struggling to understand it, it's not easy to understand that type of illness when you don't have it.

Best of luck , you sound like a very worthy person to me.

[Reforming]

Reforming,

THANK you so very much, this is really helpful for me. I've come to understand the concepts, and realize I have to deal with this, but have found it difficult how to start, how to "go about" to do it.

Written dialogue, you say, interesting, I love to write, use it as a tool, always have. May I ask - who starts? Where is my starting point, is it a feeling or more like a situation, a memory - is the starting point the adult observer or the lonely, insecure and sad child?

Frequently this part of us feels hurt and lonely because we have another part of us, a voice that's called our inner critic, that hurts us

This inner critic is often very ingrained. Frequently we've internalised the negative or destructive voices from our childhood that hurt us and made us feel small until this voice has grown into something very negative and destructive.

Yes, I have always been my worst critic. Lately my inner critic seem to have gone on steroids or something, it's been a constant flow of second-guessing and harsh critic, louder than ever before... .  There isn't a thing I can do and feel at ease, contempt or that this is good enough. And I always blame myself, and next I tell myself what a failure I am. It's exhausting. It never stops.

This inner critic isn't helpful - be clear on that - it's hurting the vulnerable part of you that needs love and support.

The adult part of you needs to protect your inner child by confronting this inner critic, rejecting it and eventually evicting. This takes practice and self awareness, but it can be done

That is uplifting, you saying that it can be done. It's hard to believe though. But I am so tired of myself. Not ever finding rest from the negative noise inside.

This is the vulnerable part of you and it needs love, support, understanding and encouragement. 

Did I ever feel loved at home? No. Rational I could tell they behaved well, but did I feel loved? No, I did not.

Did I feel their support? Well, partially - have always been credited for hard work and good grades at school.

Did I ever feel understood? Oh no never. That was a big hurt for me, from my teens. Still can hurt me whenever I feel - they do not know me, they do not understand me.

Did they ever encourage me? No, never. Or there is one exception, my finishing exams, one of them told me "I believe you can do it". Strong memory for me. But where to start? Always the opposite, I have felt "crippled" by the default pessimistic outlook: You cannot trust anybody but yourself, you have only yourself, don't expect anybody to take care of you, you have to be independent and self-providing, always be careful because things normally do not go well, there are risks and dangers and bad people everywhere - and do you really think you should be doing that?

I've never ever taken a risk in any way all my life... .always on the right side, never doing anything wrong, not even as a child.

I really don't like this exercise, but know I need it, for sure. And I do desperately want that inner critic to shut the f*** up!   

Let me add: I do not blame my folks any more. Did as a youngster. But I can see them actually doing better than their parents. I can see their traumas and anxiousness. Their shortcomings are understandable to me. And there hasn't been abuse - this is more about low levels of understanding, encouragement, empathy; as in seeing thing from my perspective and doing things on my terms (as a child). I was a very lonely child. Anxious and insecure, invisible and alone. Taken care of, yes, but lacking mirroring and the soft&tender care you would want to indulge your children.

To me it has been somewhat healing to have kids, to see their innocence and thereby comprehend that I too was innocent and not to blame as a child. It'a very important to me that my children feel loved, feel seen, feel understood. That they know I am here for them, always, unconditionally - because they are my children. I think I've learnt a thing or to about what NOT to do when raising children :-)


Thanks again, Reforming!

Glad to help Indiegirl

I'd begin by letting the adult you gently by initiate a conversation with the vulnerable child part of you.

You obviously have huge empathy and love for your own children. Try and redirect that to the 5 year old you and patiently and gently build relationship with this part of you that is always there.

It might feel like a struggle for a while because it's very likely that part of you was never really heard or given the kind of love it needed. But don't give up. Try to really listen without judgement or preconception and be open . Imagine you're beginning a new relationship with a small child that deserves your love and support.

Confronting your inner critic comes after you've established that relationship with that vulnerable part of you.

The guided imagery is also a brilliant way to connect with your inner child and its feelings. By giving it the encouragement and tenderness that it never got you can help it heal

The best of luck

Reforming

[cloudten]

I am bumping this because I want to see if we get an update from Hopeful... .and because I want to reread all of this later!

I need to deal with the inner child... .that and co-dependency are next on my list.

Hopeful- hope you are doing well!

[Indiegrl]

bravhart1

Very good point, indeed

The parts of you that need support may have allowed you to get together with someone even more broken for protection and "recognition".

It's true. I do not feel at ease with people who seem to "have no problems", I do feel safer and better understood together with people who know what dysfunction and self-loathing and insecurity is. Yes, it awakens my compassion (and co-dependency I now know!) - but of course it is also a matter of expecting a safe and mutual and non-judgemental understanding from the other. What we take for granted, heh?

Reforming,

thanks for the advice.  You are so right, and you say it in such a gentle and wise way

it's very likely that part of you was never really heard or given the kind of love it needed.

I'd begin by letting the adult you gently by initiate a conversation with the vulnerable child part of you.

I have to admit it feels overwhelming just to stand there and watch that little 5 year old girl playing all by herself, serious, silent, shy and careful. She is so alone, and she doesn't excpect anything. I can't bring myself to talk to her yet, cause I am crying, I'm overwhelmed with compassion, tenderness and sadness just by looking at her. She hasn't seen me yet, I cry silently for her, seeing her loneliness. "It's not your fault" I think, "that you are so lonely... .Someone should have been here for you. With you. Held you." (*heart pounding*... .this picture gives me physical chest pain... .)

I will take my time, and clean up my tears before talking to her. Wouldn't want to scare her away, right? Better to start off with a tender smile. Oh, my favorite "auntie" in kindergarten - her soft and kind smile, that's is how I want to meet this little girl (*tears pouring*)... .I wonder how she will respond... .

Thanks again for advicing me.

And Hopeful83 - I didn't mean to hijack your thread - please join in "on the party" ;-) (got to have that black humor).

Indiegrl

[Reforming]

bravhart1

Very good point, indeed

The parts of you that need support may have allowed you to get together with someone even more broken for protection and "recognition".

It's true. I do not feel at ease with people who seem to "have no problems", I do feel safer and better understood together with people who know what dysfunction and self-loathing and insecurity is. Yes, it awakens my compassion (and co-dependency I now know!) - but of course it is also a matter of expecting a safe and mutual and non-judgemental understanding from the other. What we take for granted, heh?

Reforming,

thanks for the advice.  You are so right, and you say it in such a gentle and wise way

it's very likely that part of you was never really heard or given the kind of love it needed.

I'd begin by letting the adult you gently by initiate a conversation with the vulnerable child part of you.

I have to admit it feels overwhelming just to stand there and watch that little 5 year old girl playing all by herself, serious, silent, shy and careful. She is so alone, and she doesn't excpect anything. I can't bring myself to talk to her yet, cause I am crying, I'm overwhelmed with compassion, tenderness and sadness just by looking at her. She hasn't seen me yet, I cry silently for her, seeing her loneliness. "It's not your fault" I think, "that you are so lonely... .Someone should have been here for you. With you. Held you." (*heart pounding*... .this picture gives me physical chest pain... .)

I will take my time, and clean up my tears before talking to her. Wouldn't want to scare her away, right? Better to start off with a tender smile. Oh, my favorite "auntie" in kindergarten - her soft and kind smile, that's is how I want to meet this little girl (*tears pouring*)... .I wonder how she will respond... .

Thanks again for advicing me.

And Hopeful83 - I didn't mean to hijack your thread - please join in "on the party" ;-) (got to have that black humor).

Indiegrl

Just being present with her is a great start.

If you want to try another route the guided imagery that Schema therapists use can be so powerful. Most Schema therapists rate it as the most powerful technique in schema.

Bravhart I agree that when we're a bit broken ourselves (most of us have some scars) we are often drawn to people who are broken too.

We sense their pain, it strikes a chord with us and we hope that they can understand our pain too.

There's an element of empathy in this and it's not intrinsically bad. Partners who have experienced trauma or pain don't always end up destroying each other. Sometimes they can help each other heal. 

At the end of the day I think it boils down to whether someone's willing to work on their own healing. And that's hard where there's a disorder that denies it's own existence.

Reforming

[Indiegrl]

Thanks, Reforming, me too think it's a good start just "being present with her", as you say :-)  "Guided imagery" - I'll bring that up at the next appointment with my T. I do feel it's scary though, to do this vulnerable act together with someone else, very scary. I dare to acknowledge my vulnerability to myself, but have difficulties letting go of that control together with others. An intrinsic part of the problem, I guess.

we are often drawn to people who are broken too.

Yes.

We sense their pain, it strikes a chord with us and we hope that they can understand our pain too.

Oh yes.

"Strike a chord" - I can almost feel getting "in love" just by reading that sentence. I think this is huge in evoking my feelings, the deeper layers of my feelings, I so want to care and look after... .hmmmm... .

There's an element of empathy in this and it's not intrinsically bad. Partners who have experienced trauma or pain don't always end up destroying each other. Sometimes they can help each other heal. 

Yes - Also true.

I do think I did my ex good. He said that several times (before things turned ugly), and he even referred to his T saying that too. And I acknowledge that my ex also gave me the gift of feeling loved - in a way I've never felt before. I have had serious relationships before him, but I admit that it was the very first time I really felt loved, that he did see me and loved all of me, and to me that was truly healing. To lose that really hurts.

Reforming, I find what you say very validating - thank you.

[eeks]

It might feel like a struggle for a while because it's very likely that part of you was never really heard or given the kind of love it needed. But don't give up. Try to really listen without judgement or preconception and be open . Imagine you're beginning a new relationship with a small child that deserves your love and support.

Confronting your inner critic comes after you've established that relationship with that vulnerable part of you.

Thanks for sharing the guided imagery/schema therapy tips, Reforming.  It's interesting you say that confronting the inner critic comes after establishing the relationship with the inner child, because I think in my case (and would not be surprised if it were so for others whose inner critics are "vigorously self-protective" the inner critic prevents me from even developing such a relationship in the first place.

I often wonder if this process is less about "learning" to love the child and more about removing the barriers to the love that you already feel, and are.

Here's something along those lines.  www.roadtocompassion.com/making-peace-with-loyal-soldiers/

quote:

In my bumbling, stumbling quest to fall in love with myself (my ongoing experiment in coming alive), I’ve discovered that there are some fierce characters that are hell bent on fighting me every step of the way.  Among the most tenacious of these characters are the parts of myself whose job it is to keep me small (sometimes called Loyal Soldiers).  In fact, it’s more than their job; they swore a solemn oath to keep my alive by keeping me small, nice, normal, accepted and safe. For much of my life my Loyal Soldiers have been battling for all they’re worth to stop me from showing my biggest heart to the world and thus risking ridicule and rejection.  And they’ve fought heroically (if sometimes viciously) to bar me from buried memories and emotions (and the treasures there within) in order to save me from complete annihilation.

[... .]

I believe that, with enough empathy, all war can be avoided.  The truth is, I haven’t given my Loyal Soldiers enough empathy.  Furthermore, I haven’t given them enough acknowledgement and appreciation.  Nor have I fully affirmed the validity and necessity of their existence.  I very much needed these parts of my psyche to adapt, cope, and survive my childhood.  Who knows what would have happened without them.