Last moments

[Jox]

Hi all,

Well here I am plotting a way out after 13 years. Things are not as bad as they have been. He has improved dramatically in past few years, due to Ayahuasca, meditation, and therapy... .It all sounds perfect yet there is BUT the core is still here sitting between us.

I just read a book Woman who love too much by Robin Norwood. This book blew me away. It happened just 3 weeks ago. I was totally alarmed and here in rural Mexico I immediately joined Neuroticus annonimus which is the first thing I could do, I also went to see a psychologist. Not much choice right now.

I am in shock that I have allowed that much emotional violence to be disposed in me. I invested tremendous amount of energy, money and all my life in him getting better to the point that I ceased to exist.

Even though he is much better, we can even talk in intimate way. The core is the same, se splits, less but still, he is jealous, and he is still mind f***ing when he gets insecure.

He is very resentfull I go to the NA, and even he drops in, when I am not there.  

I told him that I have discovered I have codependency, yet to him this information is of importance if it would or does affects him, couldn't believe the indifference he showed.

This is first time that I seriously plot the exit as I don't see any solution at all. I will not tolerate emotional aggression, threats and abuse anymore.

Don know how to do it except to somehow run away, to invent I have out of country emergency, there is no other way... .

I have a personal crisis and I feel alone so alone.

[Skip]

What happened?

[babyducks]

Have you told him you are planning to leave?

[Jox]

"Have you told him you are planning to leave?"

No, no, no, I can handle any more splitting,,manipulation  sand craziness. I,am planning to escape.

"What happened"

Is that I read a book and found out I am codependent, not in the traditional,sense of the word but nonetheless focused on his endless needs and forgetting mine own. This deeply devaluated me.

Suddenly I see I am more in crisis than he is. Yet of course me reading a book and going to NA has sparked his selfishness and fear of not being in the center of my attention and care. I,saw in him still tremendous selfishness. I see myself as seriously abused emotionally. I had been taking it lightly for far too long thinking it will change by all the treatments we did... .After all after great improvement it is still me serving,,serving... .I don't want this anymore. Always wandered how people get abused in reletionships, and there I am.

[Jox]

I just read on this site about break-up. There I am - no trust that I won't be hurt and used and neglected.

I was all aware of this all along but thought it may change due to all things we did, and it did change some, but his core monstrousness is at the center still.

I admit that I don't know how to love myself, how to, protect myself, how to emotionally care of myself. I didn't see it, even on this board and I don't fell I can say all that I have been exposed to. Even I forgot most. But it is clear that I am at service of a monster.

I do,think that he may find full,compassion for other humans, but not with mm anymore.

P.S. I will be very cleaver with this, no feathers will be flying. I am thinking to start a blog on this break-up, it may take months but it is over.

[Skip]

Suddenly I see I am more in crisis than he is.

How is the codependency manifesting in you? What are your priorities to deal with?

[Jox]

It is not a codependency in sense I need him.

I saw it in the book mentioned above. I understood from day one that he is not well, not BPD, I THOUGHT IT WAS DEPRESSION.

I found myself busy, useful needed to help: therapy, meditation, ayahuasca, trips to India. Taking care of his properties, bank accounts,,he doesn't know his pass words, medicine, doctors visits, EVERYTHING.

I thought eventually it will reverse and he will see me as a person who has needs emotional and other.

I don't feel sad that I am loosing my job, that I will be alone. In that sense I don't feel codependent.

The crisis I am in is that I am in shock that all these years I didn't take seriously terrible emotional violence, that I exposed myself to it and turn a blind eye. How did I forget myself in all this to such extend.

I see traces in the past that led me to this, I used to work overtime and never asked and even rejected rase in salary, when people treated me hostile, I didn't picked it up right away... .

But neve thought it would get to this. My self esteem is seriously damaged.

[babyducks]

hi Jox,

How are you doing today?   it's understandable that your self esteem has taken a blow, many of us struggle with low self esteem.  for many reasons.    Skip mentioned priorities, and I thought that was a good question.   It's taken a while for you to reach the point where you are today, it's going to take a while, and some concentrated effort to make things better.     What do you think a good place to start would be?

'ducks