Review (or a diary of an unhealthy relationship)

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello All,

I joined BPD Family on 7th April 2015. My BPDxbf and I had just broken up for the third time after a 7 month long relationship. I was thinking about him obsessively, crying profusely, blaming myself for the breakup, desperate to get back with him and feeling like a love addict.

Over the next 8 months, we recycled five more times. Each time, I knew I had healed a bit more and learnt a bit more and I hoped that it would be enough to make the relationship work this time. The reality was that out of a total of 287 days, we were only officially together for 107 of them. During our reconciliations, we were seeing each other 2 - 3 times a week, yet my BPDxbf dysregulated 23 times during those 107 days. We have been split up for an average of 6 months out of the last 9.

The longest period we were together during all those recycles was 3 weeks during August. I went back to him because I felt I had lost my one true love and that I could never, ever be happy again. I couldn't see how I could possibly get through the rest of my life without him. I had lost all hope and was becoming increasingly depressed. I was anxious in his presence and whenever he contacted me, I was miserable, but couldn't see how I could live happily without him. During that 3 week period, he had seven dysregulations even though we only saw each other for 7 overnight stays.

Our next break was 11 weeks long. We debated being friends part way through this period, but my BPDxbf dysregulated so badly over this, that he went nc until my birthday 6 weeks later. We tried to reconcile a final time and managed 2 weeks. I'm now 1 week out and have decided that I will go into 2016 unencumbered by BPD. I am finally ready to let go.

With each successive recycle I have journalled, posted, grieved, expressed my anger, ranted on occasion, looked at myself and my family of origin and gradually, the depression has lifted and the pain has decreased. I have had an increasing number of better days as time has progressed. I have started new activities and begun to make new friends. I can see that I am healing and I am going to be alright. I now know that I can get through my life without my BPDxbf and I can be happy without him. I am now no longer feeling permanently anxious and I am looking forward to a healthier life. I have my hope back.

Anyway, I write all this because I think it is time for me concentrate upon building a new life in the real world and I'd like to thank everyone who has taken the time to support me and to post on my threads. I couldn't have done this without you all and without the support of this very special website. Long may it thrive.

THANK YOU ALL.

Love

Lifewriter x

[Lifewriter16]

Hello All,

I joined BPD Family on 7th April 2015. My BPDxbf and I had just broken up for the third time after a 7 month long relationship. I was thinking about him obsessively, crying profusely, blaming myself for the breakup, desperate to get back with him and feeling like a love addict.

Over the next 8 months, we recycled five more times. Each time, I knew I had healed a bit more and learnt a bit more and I hoped that it would be enough to make the relationship work this time. The reality was that out of a total of 287 days, we were only officially together for 107 of them. During our reconciliations, we were seeing each other 2 - 3 times a week, yet my BPDxbf dysregulated 23 times during those 107 days. We have been split up for an average of 6 months out of the last 9.

The longest period we were together during all those recycles was 3 weeks during August. I went back to him because I felt I had lost my one true love and that I could never, ever be happy again. I couldn't see how I could possibly get through the rest of my life without him. I had lost all hope and was becoming increasingly depressed. I was anxious in his presence and whenever he contacted me, I was miserable, but couldn't see how I could live happily without him. During that 3 week period, he had seven dysregulations even though we only saw each other for 7 overnight stays.

Our next break was 11 weeks long. We debated being friends part way through this period, but my BPDxbf dysregulated so badly over this, that he went nc until my birthday 6 weeks later. We tried to reconcile a final time and managed 2 weeks. I'm now 1 week out and have decided that I will go into 2016 unencumbered by BPD. I am finally ready to let go.

With each successive recycle I have journalled, posted, grieved, expressed my anger, ranted on occasion, looked at myself and my family of origin and gradually, the depression has lifted and the pain has decreased. I have had an increasing number of better days as time has progressed. I have started new activities and begun to make new friends. I can see that I am healing and I am going to be alright. I now know that I can get through my life without my BPDxbf and I can be happy without him. I am now no longer feeling permanently anxious and I am looking forward to a healthier life. I have my hope back.

Anyway, I write all this because I think it is time for me concentrate upon building a new life in the real world and I'd like to thank everyone who has taken the time to support me and to post on my threads. I couldn't have done this without you all and without the support of this very special website. Long may it thrive.

THANK YOU ALL.

Love

Lifewriter x

[hopealways]

Congratulations! It DOES get better, good for you for your resolve and your patience.

[hollycat]

Thank YOU for sharing your life and hope with us.

[Cane787]

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, for encouraging me to open up and share. I needed that loving welcome. And I couldn't be happier for you. You named a few things I hope to get to soon. Your being content put a smile on my face for you. Wishing you the best, Lifewriter.

[burritoman]

I was anxious in his presence and whenever he contacted me, I was miserable, but couldn't see how I could live happily without him.

Story of the last two years of my relationship! Sometimes I flat out didn't want her to come up and see me because I didn't know if we were going to have a fun time or if she was going to show up, plop down on the couch and stare at her phone, then go on one of her "I don't even know why I came up here" or "I'm just going to go" rants. I also changed the vibrate on my phone to be the most minor, pathetic, hint of a buzz because I got anxious every time I heard the phone. It's still like that to this day. True story. All said and done, NOW I can't wait to hear from her... .

Congrats on the self realization! There's only UP after a relationship like this.

[homefree]

I kind of wish there was a like button on this board. There are many posts, like this one, where I don't really have much to say in response, but they are very helpful with my own situation and very encouraging to read.

[Lifewriter16]

Thanks everyone for replying. I was in the middle of a divorce and mid break-up from my BPDbf when I got here. I was also isolated and feeling very alone. I don't know what I would have done without this place. Good luck to you all. May your healing be rapid and deep and your lives happy... .


Cane787 - You are more than welcome. Someone did the same for me when I arrived. It made all the difference. Onwards and upwards... .you will get there. Just take it one day at a time.


Love Lifewriter x