After exgf broke NC she wants to meet...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

 So I have been posting the last few days.  My uBPDexgf recently broke NC and contacted me after seeing my profile on a dating app.  She was the abusive raging lying manipulating kind.  The relationship ended almost a year ago after a massive blow up where she said and did vile and violent things.  

I didn't think I would ever hear from here again.  Now's she's on this dating app and contacting me.  All of our messaging has been about the puppy we got together (which is mine now) and her dogs.  Very little in the way of how are you and what's new.  Certainly nothing about the past.  She did drop in a few sob stories about health problems... .she use to manipulate by faking sick to get me to take care of her.

Now she wants to meet at the dog park on Saturday with the dogs.  I really don't know what to make of it.  I know she's single and on the prowl so it probably means a recycle attempt.  I don't want to return to the relationship but I really am on the fence about going.  I could use some advice.  

[lawman79]

 So I have been posting the last few days.  My uBPDexgf recently broke NC and contacted me after seeing my profile on a dating app.  She was the abusive raging lying manipulating kind.  The relationship ended almost a year ago after a massive blow up where she said and did vile and violent things.  

I didn't think I would ever hear from here again.  Now's she's on this dating app and contacting me.  All of our messaging has been about the puppy we got together (which is mine now) and her dogs.  Very little in the way of how are you and what's new.  Certainly nothing about the past.  She did drop in a few sob stories about health problems... .she use to manipulate by faking sick to get me to take care of her.

Now she wants to meet at the dog park on Saturday with the dogs.  I really don't know what to make of it.  I know she's single and on the prowl so it probably means a recycle attempt.  I don't want to return to the relationship but I really am on the fence about going.  I could use some advice.  

[Lifewriter16]

Hi lawman79.

It can be a big dilemma when a BPDx gets in touch for many of us. What do you think could be the repercussions of meeting up with her?

I don't want to return to the relationship but I really am on the fence about going.

I was wondering whether you'd like to post some more about what the issues and concerns are that lead you to be on the fence about going. Posting about this, might help you to clarify your feelings about it.

She was the abusive raging lying manipulating kind.  The relationship ended almost a year ago after a massive blow up where she said and did vile and violent things.

It might also help you to reflect upon how safe you feel with her and the positive and negative aspects of her behaviour when you were together. How do they compare?



Lifewriter x

[cloudten]

i can see how conflicted you are... .i would be too.

It really depends on if you want to open that can of worms.

I would be very cautious. If she hasn't been in T addressing her issues... .then nothing will have changed without a significant effort on her part. (and even if she has been in therapy... .I would be very apprehensive)

Be careful!

[mindwise]

Been there.

Make sure that you know what to make of it before taking action.

What is driving you to meet her? What are the possible outcomes? What do you want?

This is the detaching board lawman79 and my advice to you, if you really want to detach, is to maintain NC and move on with your life.

mw

[lawman79]

 I don't think she has been in therapy, although I have.  I have learned a great deal about what negative things attracted me to her and I why I put with her abuse.  She mentioned once during our relationship that she knew something was wrong with her and that she needed help but that was no point in seeking help if I wasn't going to stick around.   This was right after she lied about cutting herself and threatening to commit suicide.

 I think the only reason she reached out was she saw me on this dating app.  Not a great reason to reach out in my opinion.  She always has an agenda and my guess is she wants to start the cycle again or maybe just rage at me some more. I am not interested in either of those things.  I guess I didn't think there was harm meeting at the dog park.  It's a crowded public place and I can always just leave if it goes south.  

 The last month we were together she raged at me almost everyday.  She lied about having a major surgery in order to manipulate me into doing things for her.   Funny how apparently recently she had "major back surgery".  Just no way to tell what's true with her.

 I wish I could hate and despise but part me would like to be on decent terms with her.  I guess I am wondering what do I really have to lose by meeting up with her.

[once removed]

hey lawman79 

obviously the choice is yours. youre considering the risks, others have offered further considerations; good. my only two cents is that given this person has been physically violent, if you meet her, id go with a public setting.

how do you feel about meeting? are you open to reconciling?

[Pretty Woman]

Lawman, I want you to go back and read what you wrote. Your answer lies within your posting.

You mention she lied to you about trying to kill herself, she raged at you and was manipulative.

What the heck do you want to be on "good terms" with? This person? That is clearly not possible.

This is the hardest part about BPD... .you go no contact... .get better and they come back. You are removed from the crazy and you almost become desensitized to how you were treated.

Time heals.

Lawman, I was dumped for a woman my ex dated six years prior to me.  She raged, cheated and lied to this woman.  While dating me she re-kindles this romance and dumps me suddenly. Only to return to me three weeks later totally decimating this other woman.

They don't change nor get better. They use time and other manipulative tactics to control you once again and each time is gets worse.

I know this first hand. Their words and actions never match.

She likely is trying to see if she can win you over again just to demolish what emotion and heart you have left.

Please, please re read your emails. If you care at all about her... .which there is a part in all of us that cares, you should not engage. If you were a trigger for her once you will be again. Nothing good, positive or productive can come of it.

Hugs 

PW

[lawman79]

Pretty woman and OR thank you for your kind words and support.  I agree, and I know this bad news.  The funny thing is she already playing games with meeting.  Went silent on time and place.  I think I will just leave things where they are at and not engage her.  I think next time she reaches out, I will just ignore her.  At least this time no harm and no foul right?

[mitchell16]

the choice is yours. But my question would be WHY? for me, it was to hard for me to really get past my ex and get her finally out of my life. It took  a while to really heal from the hurt and the harsh cruel words and things she did to me. So why would I want to even open that door again. EVER! I know that I would never get the full truth from her about anything that happened and even if i did how could I trust it. I caught her in so many lies who would know what the truth was. Closure? I would never get closure mine was so great at turning everything around on me that Im sure I would walk away from seeing her feeling even worse cause in someway she would convince me it was all my fault the relationship failed. For me, seeing her or meeting her will not ever be an option again. This was after I went through 3 years worth of pure hell. I wish you the best of luck in your decision but I think you are playing with fire again.

[Skip]

I wish I could hate and despise but part me would like to be on decent terms with her.  I guess I am wondering what do I really have to lose by meeting up with her.

If you think you aren't emotionally distraught or vulnerable, nothing.

Now she wants to meet at the dog park on Saturday with the dogs.  I really don't know what to make of it.  I know she's single and on the prowl so it probably means a recycle attempt.  I don't want to return to the relationship but I really am on the fence about going.  I could use some advice.  

If you are committed to move on, I'd make sure you get enough space between you to detach. Its not so much the type of space (hiding your phone in a hole in the backyard, or only seeing her with others around, seeing her with clear intentions), or her, its about you.

What are you uncertain about?

[mindwise]

I think I will just leave things where they are at and not engage her.  I think next time she reaches out, I will just ignore her.  At least this time no harm and no foul right?

If she reaches out, rather than ignoring her, you might consider stating clearly why you wont engage her anymore in the future. And follow your words with actions (N.C).

Two positive things here:

1- You reinforce your detachment by living up to your values and taking action

2- She, at least gets the chance to know WHY (she could learn a lesson from it, or not, that's up to her)

As said before, the choice is yours.

Good luck and keep posting,

mw