At my wits end

[CTmom17]

I believe my husband has BPD. He has not been diagnosed. He has been to therapy before without success. He now refuses to go anymore.  My life has become more and more chaotic over the past few years. I discovered BPD a few months ago and believe he has it. It would explain so much. I am unable to be nice to him because he will pull away from me. I have basically been leaving him alone and keeping my emotional distance from him. This is the only way I can manage his chaotic behavior towards me. He acts like I am the problem. I never knew why he acted like he does. He is mean and nasty at times. The older he gets the worse his attitude towards me gets. I feel his emotions are spiraling out of control. I don't know what to do anymore. We have a 6 year old whom he adores. He always says he will never leave me. I'm not sure if that is a threat.  What he doesn't know is that I would have loved him forever if he treated me well.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ceruleanblue]

Welcome!

I'm so sorry for all you are going through. I too went through a time where I had to withdraw from my BPDh because he was so angry at me, and the more I'd try to be close, the more he'd try to push me away.

I think your husband's attitude is getting worse because he has let resentments grow. I think pwBPD like to stew and dwell on resentments. I think for them, it justifies their horrid treatment of us. They feel like they've been treated "wrong"(even though there may be no fact to this), and they then feel their treatment of us is "just" or them getting even. It's basically being painted black, or splitting. It's a huge trait of BPD.

Read the Lessons on the right, and use the tools. You can't change your husband, but you can "clean up your side of the street" so to speak. It doesn't make things all better, but it can make varying degrees of difference. Plus, it takes a while to see what works with your spouse, and what doesn't. I had to tweak the tools some, as when using SET, my BPDh was very offended(and would get angry), by MY truth. So I learned to leave that part off when doing S.E.T.

Also, get yourself in therapy. For you. It really helps to have someone to talk to. Start taking care of you, because self care becomes really important when living with someone that is such an emotional drain.