Experienced severe anxiety when I ended a brief r/s.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'd recently been dating someone and dating had progressed to the building/start of an r/s. I decided to end it because I felt that some important core values didn't align, so there was a compatibility issue. I'm comfortable with my decision and am feeling fine with it.

What was odd though was the day I ended it, I experienced that same deep anxiety-panic feeling (PTSDish) that I'd felt for so many months after the b/u with BPDex. (That r/s ended 2.5 years ago)

When I ended it with recent-guy, I was unable to shake the feeling of anxiety until the next day, after a good sleep and self-talk. I actually woke up the following day worried that I would experience more of that severe anxiety. My anxiousness was alleviated when I self-recognized  "This is all you, not him" (meaning the anxiety was fueled within me and I had a choice about where to take those feelings). That was Monday and I've been fine since.

I'm a little worried that I felt that level of anxiety again. At the time, I felt some anger (not expressed to him) and some fear (not of him), a broader fear I suppose.

I'm not sure where to start or what to look at to get at the root of those feelings that created my anxious reaction.

Suggestions?

Insight?

Books to read?

[blissful_camper]

I'd recently been dating someone and dating had progressed to the building/start of an r/s. I decided to end it because I felt that some important core values didn't align, so there was a compatibility issue. I'm comfortable with my decision and am feeling fine with it.

What was odd though was the day I ended it, I experienced that same deep anxiety-panic feeling (PTSDish) that I'd felt for so many months after the b/u with BPDex. (That r/s ended 2.5 years ago)

When I ended it with recent-guy, I was unable to shake the feeling of anxiety until the next day, after a good sleep and self-talk. I actually woke up the following day worried that I would experience more of that severe anxiety. My anxiousness was alleviated when I self-recognized  "This is all you, not him" (meaning the anxiety was fueled within me and I had a choice about where to take those feelings). That was Monday and I've been fine since.

I'm a little worried that I felt that level of anxiety again. At the time, I felt some anger (not expressed to him) and some fear (not of him), a broader fear I suppose.

I'm not sure where to start or what to look at to get at the root of those feelings that created my anxious reaction.

Suggestions?

Insight?

Books to read?

[BorisAcusio]

I'm not sure where to start or what to look at to get at the root of those feelings that created my anxious reaction.



Hi bc,

Have you looked into attachment style theory? Insecure attachment style often involves anxiety about being abandoned, it may explain your feelings without carrying a potentially pathologizing connotation of a personal deficit.

[blissful_camper]

Thanks Boris,

I'm familiar with attachment style theory, but I haven't examined the styles in depth. Insecure attachment resonates with me.  I'll begin researching attachment style theory. Do you know of a book that might help me work through the issue, something that's maybe workbook/workshop format? Thanks for your insight.

[eeks]

Hi bc,

Boris may have other suggestions as well but for books, I can recommend Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, because it is more geared to single people.  Dr. Sue Johnson (Hold Me Tight, Love Sense) and Dr. Stan Tatkin's (Wired for Love) books are also informative, but geared towards people in committed relationships experiencing conflict.

I'm curious, too, you say that this anxiety happened after ending a relationship, and it reminds you of the anxiety you felt after the breakup with your BPDex.  Sometimes this question can prompt a connection... .what other situation does this feeling remind you of?

Or, when's the first time you remember feeling this way?

If that doesn't bring up anything, you might try Focusing:  www.focusing.org/sixsteps.html

eeks