relationship with a BPD wife gone sour - seriously contemplating seperation/div

[emekaelihe]

Hi, I've been married 4 years - in a rather tumultuous relationship. I never knew about BPD. I met her in March and we were married 4 months later. I just found out after 4 years of marriage that the violent sessions, damages, outbursts, threats etc is BPD. I realized this after the police visited my house and I had to do some research on all the traits I had been seeing.

She has also threatened to poison me and stab me in my sleep several times which I have one recorded. A year ago, she moved with me to canada and now I have just realized this problem is BPD to the letter and my main issue with it, is the violence and threats of harm.

I am thinking about several options -

1. seperate from her and then divorce after 1 year but keep her in canada and possibly joint custody with the our two toddlers,

2. Deport her since she needs to stay with me for 2 years in canada else she is considered illegal/immigration fraud (the problem here is if she finds out about the law, she might accuse me of abuse in order to ensure she stays in canada), and in this case custody will be an issue either completely me or completely her.

3. Report to the police and share the recordings with them, which might get her arrested but I think they'll release her and she'll come back home, and i doubt they will push to deport her either... .not sure what they can really do.

4. The last option I have is to move out of canada with her and the kids, and then probably come back alone and get people to stay with her and the kids back home to ensure their protection from her, and then visit them periodically  (or better still come with the kids to canada without her if possible).

The bottom line is i'm confused, and even the prospect of joint custody scares me because she is a high-conflict type and ive read several cases where lies have been used to influence such cases with Father's getting the bad end of the stick. 

Any help or suggestions will be very well appreciated. She currently knows I'm unhappy and she has been putting up her best behaviour for the past week and half to please me, but i know its just an act. Any help is welcome. Thank you.

[SamwizeGamgee]

You certainly have some options, and none sound that appealing.  I am sorry you find yourself in this situation.  Do remember that you have plenty of company and people suffering the same types of abuses.  I had an epiphany about a year ago after reading some self-help books and realizing that I was actually a good father and husband.  I had been led along many, many years by my wife's unhappiness (must be my fault I thought) and blame, shame guilt, silence, and so forth.  Once I realized that I was a fairly normal, and good guy, I found that BPD descriptions fit my wife perfectly - and explained a lot. 

It sounds like you have recently gone through the discovery.  Let that soak in.  It's a lot to handle. 

Meanwhile, your own safety is paramount, and then the welfare of your kids.  It sounds like you could be eligible to apply for some sort of court ordered protection, a restraining order to prevent your wife from threatening you, for example.  I, myself, would not tolerate someone threatening to poison or attack me.  But, only you are in your situation and have to decide what to do.  Regardless, be cautious and make an emergency plan, at the least.

The only real additional advice is what I have heard, and found to be true for myself.

1) Know that you cannot change, cure, heal, control, or improve your wife.  Only she can, and only if she truly wants to do so.  This is not just about BPD, but, I believe this to be true for all people.  A difference is maybe that a healthy person can accept your feelings, and desire for change, and act on it.  BPD stops that avenue of correction.  Sure you can find things to improve in yourself, and work on it, but, give up hope that you can change her and stop trying.  I will add that you can start to predict and understand her, especially with a better understanding of BPD.

2) Additionally, call abuse, abuse for what it is.  You are not alone.  You are not required to suffer.  Just because you are a guy, it does not make you immune from physical, verbal, and emotional abuse.  Call it out, but not to her. Inform family, police, therapists, etc., as needed. Also, check in on these boards and others as time goes by. 

3) Given your options and serious implications of the results, I would absolutely consult with a family and immigration attorney.  More than one actually.  A few bad moves by you could cost you contact with your kids. 

Good luck!

[flourdust]

I agree that you need to talk to lawyers. These are very tricky issues, and you'll want an expert judgment on your options before you make any decisions.

[ForeverDad]

Needless to say, you need to be fully aware of the need for confidentiality.  Keep this all confidential or else that information will almost surely be used to sabotage you.  You have a right to privacy and your spouse does not have a right to interrogate or guilt.  Be forewarned and aware.  Beware.  Acting-out disordered people may be messed up but they're not dumb, many are master manipulators.

Yes, Fathers generally do have an uphill struggle when it comes to custody and parenting.  Fortunately, most courts are reluctant to make one parent the custodial parent, so you will probably still have a voice in parenting, the question is how much.  That's why you need to develop strategies for avoiding the typical minefields, blunders and missteps while also doing all the right things.

With information and improved communication skills you can make more educated and more informed decisions.

Are the children from this relationship or hers pre-existing?

[livednlearned]

Hi emekaelihe,

The threats must be very alarming and frightening for you. How awful. Do you notice any patterns around the threats, like things that seem to trigger her? Whatever you decide to do, it's a good idea to look for patterns and try learning some of the communication skills to validate her. People with BPD are extremely rejection sensitive. They are quick to emotionally dysregulate and very slow returning to baseline, plus they don't do stress very well, and having two toddlers can be very stressful.

I agree with FD that any decisions to leave should be kept confidential. Your wife fears abandonment in a way that can be hard for someone without BPD to understand. Even if she threatens divorce, treat it like an expression of how she feels (angry, hurt, abandoned) and not necessarily as something she will do.

There is a book called Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse by Bill Eddy that is often recommended here. You can download a copy to your computer or order a copy from Amazon -- be sure that you have privacy. Bill Eddy also has a website www.highconflictinstitute.com.

Are you in a position where you could consult with two or three lawyers? Consultations can run $50-$300/hour depending on where you live. We can help you put together a list of questions that you will want to ask, so you can get both facts and a sense of strategy that will be best for your situation. I have to say, option #4 sounds really, really bad for the kids. And for you. They are going to need you to neutralize the impact of her poor parenting and it's not unlikely that she will poison them against you if you're only periodically in their lives.

One thing that's important to do is understand the DV laws in Canada. In some states in the U.S., for example, if someone calls the police, both parties may be arrested (dual arrest laws). In other states, there are mandatory arrest laws where the person who has been reported must be prosecuted. It's good to know how these things work so that if/when you have to call the police, you know exactly what will happen. Here is some basic information that might help: www.justice.gc.ca/eng/cj-jp/fv-vf/laws-lois.html

Were your kids born in Canada?

[emekaelihe]

Thank you all for the responses so far. To answer the questions, Kids are ours not from previous relationship, and kids were not born in canada.

[livednlearned]

Thank you all for the responses so far. To answer the questions, Kids are ours not from previous relationship, and kids were not born in canada.

It might be a really good idea to begin the process of having the kids naturalized in Canada. Do you know what is entailed in that process? If you're a citizen, it will be relatively straightforward. I'm Canadian living in the US, and my son was born in the US. I was able to apply for a certificate of citizenship in Canada to begin the process of dual citizenship.

Unless you're from a country that won't allow dual citizenship. Some countries will make you renounce yours even if the destination country allows you to have both.

[emekaelihe]

Thanks. I did that, the kids are both canadian permanent residents born in the US and would become canadian citizens in few years - that's if there is no escalation of incidents that result in her or any of us moving out of canada with the kids. Her violence in the home is looking like it will ruin it for some of us or everybody.  Initially, I wanted to get her a separate apartment, but with her spending most days sleeping (she abuses sleeping meds), and leaving the kids to roam around the house while she sleeps during the day, I thought that it'll be better to initiate a legal separation to let her know its serious but have her stay in a separate room so I can help with the kids when I'm around (since I'm free some days). She also has not made much effort to find work, and says that day care will not take kids who are not potty trained so she insists she needs to stay at home, I'm not sure of the daycare statement and so far do not know if she is right about it or if getting a baby sitter while she works will be a good idea to enable her work.  As initially advised, I will see a lawyer before initiating anything. When I suggested moving out of canada she vehemently refused, although recently she has threatened that if she moves out of canada, she will change her mobile number and address and I'll never see her or the kids again. This is the latest threat, and yes I forgot, she threw something at me yesterday - again.

[livednlearned]

When I suggested moving out of canada she vehemently refused, although recently she has threatened that if she moves out of canada, she will change her mobile number and address and I'll never see her or the kids again.

Check the Hague Treaty for US/Canada custody protocol. It's one of the strongest, I think. In terms of both countries honoring the custody orders in the jurisdiction where they were filed.

You may also want to check to see how it works to set up alerts with customs. Although, even during my marriage, when I wanted to cross the border I had to have a notarized copy giving me permission to travel with S14 without his dad. That was traveling into Canada, however. It might be different if your wife tried to take the kids to the U.S.

It's a good idea to hold your cards close at this point. Otherwise things may escalate in ways that are hard to put the genie back in the bottle.

[ForeverDad]

She also has not made much effort to find work, and says that day care will not take kids who are not potty trained so she insists she needs to stay at home, I'm not sure of the daycare statement and so far do not know if she is right about it or if getting a baby sitter while she works will be a good idea to enable her work.

You may need to confirm this with daycare facilities, it's possible their policies can vary.  Sadly, you can't trust everything a pwBPD says, often it is slanted to fit the favored scenario.

I recall one member writing this, surely others have said something similar too over the years... .

My non-h once said of his uBPDxw "How do I know she is lying... .her mouth is open!"  Nothing comes out the truthful, either it is a selective omitting of the facts, spinning the facts, or, outright lies.