Differences in gift giving making me feel selfish

[isilme]

So uBPDFI's family threw us for a loop this year, and adult gift giving was pretty much banned to allow for the 2 children of FI's sister, the only kids in the whole family,  to be the focus of Christmas gifts.  I know getting or even making (I am big on making gifts) for 13 people, kids included, is rough, expensive and time consuming, and it's been a rough year in lots of places, so I figured FI and I would just focus on each other, and proceeded to get and wrap the same types of things I'd have gotten him anyway.  He insisted we go to the mall in the nearest city, something we usually avoid this time of year as much of our shopping is either online (the nearest city is a 90 mile round trip) or directly to certain stores.  The gift-ban made him gloomy, as he sees it as an extension of the inherent laziness of his family and especially his parents when dealing with each other and the holidays in general, and for some reason he thought going to the mall would help charge his holiday spirit.

Things his family boycotts, or gets fussy about:

• Putting up a tree - too much effort (their tree is a table top fiber optic tree - you put it on the table and plug it in. 
  
  



• Cooking meals for the holidays - this IS work, but we cocme down to help as much as possible.  The mom prefers to buy everything pre-made, because she sees the end-result of eating as all that matters, not spending time together cooking, and cooking as an act of giving



• gift shopping, wrapping - we have all started to keep wishlists of things we'd like on amazon, since their online lists let you add from anywhere, and even type things in to take out any guesswork.  No one goes crazy and puts things like an xbox on there, and I pretty much put things like types of tea and books.  FI got made at his mom one year for asking me to wrap my own gifts, since my step mother would make me do that.



• Being on time - the mom is never on time, the sister is gestapo about being on time.  Either one is hard

They act like this just a few times a year effort is just too much. 

But this year, while at the mall and FI was dysregulating all day about Christmas, fears his sister will have a fit, or that his mom will balk at being on time or cleaning her house so we have a place to stay, he told me he'd not gotten me anything and there was no time left to do so, because out town sucked at options and there was no time to have anything shipped.  All day he tried to get me to buy things for myself, but that's not what I wanted.  I took it as a dysregulated statement, something to poke at me as he'd been doing all day, having mini-meltdowns in some of the stores, but then, once we got home, I realized there's a good chance he's just blown me off this year.  And that hurt.  A lot.  It made me feel like he is punishing me for his family's lack of cheer.  And it made me so sad, not that there'd be no gifts for me, but that now I have this awkward situation where I got him things, have wrapped them,, silly things for our pets (I do this each year) and put them in the kitties' stocking... .  so what the hell.  Do I stand there and ask him to unwrap all his stuff and the pets' before we go to his mom's for a few days to push them into putting on real clothes and visiting with his cousin who offers his house for the meal?  Do I just wait till we get home?  Do I just leave everything where it's obvious there are things for him to unwrap as a motive for him to get off his ass and just TRY?  Talking to him about it just sounds like gift grabbing.  I can't do that.  Again, it's not about what he gets.  It's about him trying and putting forth the effort he's pissed his family won't.

For years, when I was the only one working, he'd say things like, "oh, I haven't got your gift yet, but I will."  And nothing ever showed up.  I realize this was a shame saving statement, and once he was working, this hasn't happened.  So for it to be a possibility this year... .it just makes me want to cry.  It huts that he'd do to me this thing he hates in his family.  That he'd punish me (that's how it feels) because he's mad at them.  It's not like they will ever know.  Just me.  And all of this hurt just makes me feel like the most selfish child, upset I won't have something under the tree.  And that's not what this season is about, and I feel like a jerk for even being upset.  We were able with the gift ban to do Toys for Tots this year, and to send money with a lady to Mexico to buy bikes for kids in a community she visits each year (we're in Texas).  And we've given to the Salvation Army, too.  I'm trying to be about giving, not getting.  I just don't know how to deal with a tree with gifts that only he will open.  He will feel like a jerk (yes, he earned it if so, but still), and that was NOT why I got him gifts.  So I will be the bad guy for making him feel bad by doing what I always do, or drawing attention to it, or for even just spending money.  I was trying to have our holiday not be upset by his family.  Sigh.  Sorry.  Just needed to type to try to not be upset by this. 

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[Cat Familiar]

I'm really sorry. I know what your situation feels like.   

My ex-husband rarely could be bothered to buy me a gift and when he did, it typically was something he just grabbed quickly, like a handful of seashells. (I kid you not.) In the 20 years we were together, he actually bought me a nice necklace one year. I was shocked. I think that was the only gift I ever received from him that was on par with what I bought him.

Every year I bought him something nice that took some thought and some money. It really hurt my feelings that he didn't try to reciprocate.

You're not responsible for him feeling like a jerk just because you did something thoughtful for him. Let him feel it. Don't let this diminish your holiday spirit. Living well is the best revenge--not that you need revenge, but sometimes consequences are sweet--especially if they learn something, which often is doubtful with a pwBPD.   

[isilme]

I guess it's just hard - I thought we'd moved past this, and a shopping spree at the mall was not "Christmas" to me. 

I actually took the few items I got this weekend and stuck them in my stocking, not intending to use them till after Christmas, and he got upset.  So maybe my point was made, anyway.  Who knows. 

[Cat Familiar]

I hope he surprises you with something he's already bought.   

[isilme]

It's easier to not get my hopes up

[isilme]

He doesn't leave the house alone, nothing unexplained is on the bank account, and he has not warned me to watch for any packages, which he usually does.  So it's pretty unlikely.  So I don't want to have hope.  Less hurt for later.

[isilme]

ugh - sorry I was such a mopey mess yesterday.  I think my fever broke last night and I feel less like a greedle. 

[Ceruleanblue]

I don't think you are being greedy at all! It's not about the cost of the gift, it's about the effort. It's knowing that your partner holds you in enough regard to at least TRY. Last year, BPDh had left me, and he'd been gone a while, but we'd started talking right before Christmas. I invited him over, as both our kids had other plans for Christmas. Of course I had something for him, but he didn't get me a single thing. I was crushed, but hid it. For me, it's about him putting in zero effort.

This year, he's already saying we won't have enough money to buy each other gifts, but I know he'll buy for other people, and he'll spend money on other unnecessary things. This gift giving thing has always been an issue for us. Words of affirmation, and small gifts(can even be a written note that costs nothing) are my love language, and he knows this, but he adamantly refuses to meet those needs. I feel it's deliberate, because meeting my needs makes him feel controlled(the joys of BPD).

When you google this, lots of women seem to have this issue with not receiving gifts from their mates. It's sad, and of course it hurts. How could it not? This looks to be my second year where BPDh puts in no effort, and I'll end up feeling hurt, and like I don't truly matter to him. He knows how this makes me feel, because unlike you, I've gathered my courage in the past, and discussed with him how this makes me feel. So, if BPDh totally blows me off for a second year he'll be doing this knowing it hurts me.

[Notwendy]

I don't think you are being greedy. What you wish for is the sentiment that comes from the gift - the reason you buy him gifts.

One holiday season I didn't make a fuss over the holidays and my H got all sulky like I was depriving him of all the fuss his mother makes. When I do go all out spending all day cooking and wrapping gifts- he loves it but I do it for the kids and the event of us all enjoying it.

I think his family is approaching this with some sanity. If the preparations are stressful to them - then just enjoying being together is better than being stressed.

The thing about us giving is when we feel we have given too much , then we feel resentful. I think this is a lesson to think about next year. If there is stress and resentment over gifts them just do the ones you want.- the pets, kids. The fun is watching the kids get excited.

The main point is to enjoy the company and if hanging out over take out is happy - then why not?

[isilme]

But they don't enjoy it  argh. Tablet is not posting what I typed, will elucidate tomorrow.

[isilme]

Notwendy,

Sorry - had a response typed out on my tablet, but the last few times I've tried to post from it, only my first statement makes it.

The family DOESN'T enjoy simply visiting.  NOT really, or not the effort it takes to get together.  Anything outside of personal comfort is effort, and effort is shunned.

FI WANTS to cook for his family, as do I, his cousin, and even his little brother when his shift-job allows.  The mom and sister treat food prep as a huge chore, assume everyone hates it as much as they do, and so we get stuck in a dilemma where we WANT to bake homemade pies and such, but the mom has already gone a bought a bunch of store bought pies no one likes so they won't get eaten but she tends to get hurt if you bake anyway. FI feels cooking is a form of love.  And he gets upset when the actions of his mom or desires of his sister prevent him from showing it.  I have taken on parts of meals traditionally made by the mom so she doesn't have to do them, and when we are there, try to cook for them so they eat regularly and it's not take out. 

The sister is picky about food, often brings her own food for her kids, 4 and 6, and puts n a show of how they only like to eat vegetables.  She only wants turkey and approved sides for any and every family meal, so we make one to be sure she will attend.  If she is displeased, she will boycott and remove her kids from access, and as they are the only grand kids, this hurts her mom, which is her goal.

The mom and sister have a silent/not so silent feud about whether the mom took adequate care of the grandmother who recently passed from a final stroke at 95.  We fear she will use Christmas to attack her mom.

If it was a random day of the year, I'd gladly (and have) picked up a pizza and then sat in the parents' living room, eating while they watch a basketball game with the mom's friend, just to spend time with them.  FI and I try to bring them food from our town 1.5 hours away, to give them a little variety in their lives, as the parents rarely leave the house.  Their health is not great, and they are pretty much shut ins, first from necessity from caring for the grandmother who could not be left unattended, and now from habit.  Their weekly cleaning lady does the grocery shopping, and pretty much most chores.  They only get dressed pretty much to go to the doctor.  This makes FI really sad, makes his brother uncomfortable enough to avoid the parents.

The gift restrictions - if it was simply cost, there'd be no reason to be upset.  But the mom, while she doesn't mind ordering things online, hates wrapping.  I LIKE getting and wrapping gifts.  Even in high school when my step mother would make me wrap my own gifts along with her grown children's and grankids' gifts, I didn't MIND wrapping.  My first 'real' job after my paper route was as a holiday gift wrapper in a department store, where I did it for hours on my feet in the required dress code of heels.  I STILL don't hate wrapping gifts.  It's a act that shows you care. 

This whole things feels a lot like since the grandmother died, the small candle flame of effort that existed in the core family (the cousins who have lost most of their other family are fine) the parents and siblings, is dying even more.  And it's Christmas.  And we're not supposed to wish we could stay home alone for it, and just spend time together or with friends who are far from home and/or have no family (one girl I know, geez, she is starting a new life in our town, states away from home, because 2 years ago her bi-polar H ran off with their daughter and then set the house on fire with him and the little 2 year old girl inside it, killing themselves.  She just got back from her first ever visit to her daughter's grave.  I feel like an ass for MY feelings of loneliness and abandonment by my family when I think of her.  I'm trying to be sure she's not alone).

On another note:  Some purchases I did not make just showed up on the bank account.  We'll see if that means he just procrastinated, and I was a fool and got upset over HIS lack of effort unjustifiably.