Should I leave? Do I want to leave? Is she BPD? Am I going insane?

[confusedbloke]

There's so many things that make me think she's BPD after I googled "Why is my girlfriend always so angry with me".  I read and researched and now I am here. 

So hi everyone... .  sorry if this is going to be a long one... .

I am at present at home having taken the day off work to take my girlfriend to the hospital for surgery on her foot after a disastrous weekend away in Amsterdam... .  I honestly don't know where to begin.

I'm a 42 year old male divorcee from the UK with 3 beautiful children and a healthy, amicable relationship with my ex wife.  My ex wife and I split 6 months before I met Emma (current girlfriend... .not real name). I wasn't the greatest husband (pretty unaffectionate), but was always decent and looked after my family.  Anyway, 6 months after my marriage ended I met Emma in the local pub around about this time last year.  I had just got myself back on my feet and was kind of on top of the world.  Lost 3.5 stone, shaved my head, grew a beard, doing Salsa, joined a meet up group, met new friends and was very much a happy bunny. 

Me and Emma kind of clicked instantly.  I made a beeline to her and started talking to her.  Within 2 weeks we were in deep.  It was so quick, but I just went along with it.  But soon, red flags were raised - one of which was that she was very sexual.  I thought it was a bit forward, but it was just a bit of fun.  I had a few sexual issues after being in a sexless marriage of continual rejection, but Emma helped me through it and gave me a huge amount of confidence... .and my issues dissipated.  I want you to understand that she was (and is) extremely loving and says the nicest things... .but her actions made me feel that there was something not right. 

I mentioned that I was unaffectionate with my ex-wife to explain that I wanted to be different this time.  So I went the complete opposite.  Grand gestures of love (i.e. last valentines I had a key ring engraved for her so that when she scans it, it goes through to a webpage that I created with you know nice stuff on it). I'm a bit of a romantic really, I was just too immature in my previous life to behave romantically.  And I have continued this... .not so much lately, as I'm getting fed up... .

Thing is, I don't think she is a bad girl... .in fact she's largely lovely. She sends me those sentimental pics on facebook and sends little messages by text telling me that she's so in to me... .but then when she has a drink... .specifically red wine... .she turns.  Its gotten worse now.  She's got to the point where she is screaming at me that she hates me... .like a banshee.  Then in the morning she has no recollection and therefore never offers an apology.  I do think she has a problem with drink, but is it BPD or alcoholism or both?  She gets up in the middle of the night to pour glasses of red wine.  She doesn't sleep.  She never sleeps.  She used to drive 4 miles across town, get hammered and drive home.  As I have children I don't want that behaviour around them.  She puts not only herself but others at risk.  She eventually crashed her car one night after yet another blazing row (she drove home).  She did that a lot if we had an argument. She just leaves everytime.  Gets up and walks off.  Drives me insane. I used to chase her and beg her to calm down and have a chat... .she hated that.  It just seemed to fuel her anger.  So what do I do now?  I just leave her to it when she walks off.  I was hoping this would give her time to cool down on her own, so she would come back.  Nope!  Me not chasing her has made her worse and now she accuses me of having sex with women.  This is what happened in Amsterdam.  I started chatting to some 20 something couples on the ferry... .I wasn't ready for bed and wasn't chasing her.  I said my girlfriend woes and telling them that I'm madly in love with her and don't get it... .(the usual).  I got back to the cabin and what faced me was like a scene from fatal attraction.  My god there was blood everywhere.  Ive never seen so much.  It looked like a murder scene.  I just thought the worst.  Oh god it was awful.  She "accidentally" stood on a wine glass.  I don't believe her.  I get the feeling she stamped on a wine glass in bare feet.  And the reason is because she was screaming that she hates me and "where were you when this happened to my foot? - f***** other women in their room"... .That suggests to me that there was no accident.  So yet again the weekend was ruined.  I haven't been able to talk to her really since.  I cant look her in the eye and accused her of self harming.  I just don't want my precious kids near that.  Shes always going on about me leaving her... .and to be fair, I have about 3 times, but then got back with her... .coz I love her.  But I guess that's sending mixed messages.  I just want her to change, but I don't know now.  I'm kinda done in.  This weekend has severed some tie with her.  My feelings have changed.  I still love her but I don't see a future with her like this.  The only thing she brings to the table is amazing sex.  Well I guess I have an idealized future with her, but its just getting worse.  Everything I do or say is never good enough.

I do actually think she is so in love with me that she behaves crazily.  I daren't talk to another woman anywhere, as she will accuse me of wanting to sleep with her (and I really don't).  I'm very chatty and really friendly. I like people to like me as much as anyone would.  But Emma says she doesn't care what people think about her. Her only friends are 55-65 year old men.  She likes the attention she gets, but Id like to think its not sexual.  She lives in a room in a shared house, has no money, no car (as she crashed it again), she lies in bed all day, doesn't go anywhere (apart from the beer shop or college 2 days a week in the afternoon)... .but at least she has gone back to college and a part time job in a pub now.  I actively encouraged it - so hopefully that will pan out for her.  I dunno - am tired and confused and a bit p****d off.  I've put a lot of effort in to her - and everything seems to have back fired.

I wont go on but this is my take on the situation... .

Shes very jealous of my ex-wife / the relationship with me ex-wife... .

She accuses me of still having issues with my ex-wife, and that is one of the reasons we argue.  (I really don't have issues at all).  I'm very happy with the way things have panned out in that department.  The divorce was so smooth and easy.  I didn't even get a solicitor coz I trusted her not to rip me off.  The kids come first.  Simple as.  I think only loving parents with kids can truly understand that... .The kids weren't even slightly affected by the separation.  They love coming to mine and they get 2 xmases and birthdays now!

Feels like she competes with my kids for my attention... .this is a bizarre one... .  Cant explain really... .

She gets jealous if I talk to absolutely anyone (male or female) and accuses me of just leaving her stood there... .but shes allowed to do it... .

Bringing me on to the fact of her double standards... .  That's a whole other topic... .

She never pays for anything and makes me feel like scrooge (I don't know how she does that)... .

She would come to me in times of trouble (there always seemed to be some sort of drama), but I liked it.  I liked being the protector... .made me feel good... .But when I cant be there for her, she makes sure I know that someone else will.  I hate that.  Why be so cruel?

She drink drives... .(well, did until she finally wrote her car off)... .

Her mood changes without warning - although now I can tell... she has a sharp outtake of breath through her nose every 10 seconds... .(like a heavy noticeable sigh) I know she is about to have a go... .

I feel that now everything I say or do is never good enough and she starts to shout at me.  I just don't get it.

She is never wrong and never apologises... .I don't think she knows what she is saying or doing... .and therefore cant remember... .

She went to a funeral and I rang her miles away, but she accused me of not giving her full attention... .and that I didn't care that she was so upset... .  She never talked about it... .  In fact she is very secretive, I don't really know much about her past... .  All I know is that it wasn't great.  Mum dies young, Dad was horrible, brothers used to beat the hell out of her... .Mine wasn't great.  Not to that extent but I like to wear my heart on my sleeve - so I cant understand how she's not like that?  So she was miles away, drunk and upset, and angry at me - sent me over the edge, wondering what she was up to.  That's so not healthy for me... l

She is never grateful... .I bend over backwards for her... .

Problem is now, that I have become jealous.  I never was.  But she used to question who was texting or on FB with all the time.  I don't know why she would think I was up to something.  So one day I said lets have a look at your phone and she turned hysterically on me and wouldn't show me.  So the way she has been has made me suspicious and I don't trust her.  Like saying to me "you've been f***** her"... .why would she think that unless she is doing it?  I do nothing but profess my undying love for her.  Shes literally made me paranoid... .

She throws her ex bf into the mix, saying that shes going to meet him... .again, why?

She needs to be constantly cuddled on the couch... .feel like I cant do anything... .

We would be texting then she would just disappear.  She used to fall in and out of sleep all the time.  Used to really get on my nerves

Trying to reason with het is like trying to reason with my 5 year old boy.  I would always be trying to resolve a dispute and could never work out why she wouldn't just calm down and have a discussion.  It never happened. And I would be left gobsmacked yet again.

She wants to stay up all night drinking (I have a very responsible job and need sleep)... .but it doesn't matter to her... .

Feels like she uses my house.  Eats my food etc (never offers to replace)... .Doesn't seem to care that I have huge payments each month - she just holds her hand out... .

Theres a part of me that understands.  When I was 18 I had issues with my rubbish parents and went off the rails - drink driving, continually drunk, smashing windows with my fist, selfish, didn't care about anyone else, dint care how my actions would affect anyone... .but I was 18.  I eventually got back on track, got to university and the rest is history... .  I don't want that from a 39 year old woman... .

Also, I'm no angel.  I can fly off the handle aswell... .but I genuinely believe its because of the way she has been, that has made me like this... .  So I guess I'm blaming her and she is blaming me... .

So - what do I do? Do I persevere with this nonsense, or end it.  But I don't know how to end it or if I really truly want to, coz I love her.  I love the "sweet and loving" her... .  I know that she is that person, but theres something missing from her... .  Just dunno... .

Help   !

Cheers

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi confusedbloke,

That's great you are able to be amicable with your ex and establish a good foundation for the kids. Good stuff 

People with BPD are emotionally underdeveloped (for lack of a better word) and often do not have "adult" emotional skills - especially when they are stressed. And BPD or not, past relationships can be a challenge. How common is it for you and your ex to interact, and for Emma to be involved?

In a BPD relationship, it's important to be realistic and set expectations for what it is, and not hope that the BPD behaviors will go away or return magically to the idealization phase. It's also important to be realistic about your own role, and what's possible or not in terms of managing your own reactions to her behavior.

What's going on when things unravel? Can you walk us through a scenario where it takes off and things escalate? How do you two get back together after things derail?

[Cycling Gal]

This sounds very much like my BPD GF although mine is more "high functioning."  Same issue with alcohol although my GF is very actively trying to stop drinking because she's realized it makes her BPD even more out of control.

Does she recognize at all the effect alcohol has on her?  Does she not have any cognizance of her behavior and the whys?  Have you asked her to try to stop drinking.

I can tell you with my GF even if she has a small beer, it's like immediate dysregulation. Immediate. It's unbelievable how she changes.

I quit drinking to support my GF's not drinking and since she's stopped (she's lapsed a couple times) her BPD behaviors are still there but they've improved drastically.  Without cutting the alcohol I do not see any hope for any pwBPD to be honest.

[confusedbloke]

Hi Lived,

Thanks for the response!

My ex drops the kids off every tues, weds and every other weekend.  I get massive regular contact (have them on average 40% of the time).

So here lies a problem.  When I first met Emma I had been out of my marriage for a mere 6 months - so I guess I was still in "talking about her" phase.

But the only thing I would say (in my eyes) was that how well I was doing after my wife left... .  I think this came across as "I want my wife back" to Emma.

I didnt at all.  But this became a huge problem - massive in fact... .and slowly I stopped talking about my marriage and concentrated on Emma. 

But it never went away.  She gets insanely jealous if my ex's name is mentioned... ."I dont trust her at all... .she's up to no good"... .that kind of thing.

Its got to the stage now that my ex drops them off at the door, a quick chat about the kids, then goes.  TBF I quite like chatting to my ex... .not in a sexual way,

just that we were more like flat mates.  No massive arguing - we got along well... .but there was no chemistry, not "in love" and I was rejected physically -

so once out of that relationship, why would anyone think I would want to go back to that?  My ex and Emma exchange pleasantries, but theres certainly no love betweeen them.

I do wonder that perhaps she is not true BPD, perhaps a lot of traits, but not all.  I read a lot of topics on this forum and some of the poor souls on here are really having a tough time.

I dont think I did myself any favours in the beginning... .I think saying how quickly I got over my break up sticks in Emmas mind.  I was so cool in the beginning - I was loving life. 

She was coming out of a break up... .  She was still living with her ex.  (I didnt know this).  It felt like I was being hidden from everyone... .  I wanted to shout out my undying love, and she wanted it quiet.  It messed me up. She maintains it was so no one would get hurt... .  maybe true... .I dunno

Then a few months later she accidentally sent her ex romantic thing that Id sent her... .she phoned me to warn me... .anyway, her ex dropped all the rest of her stuff out the front of my house.  So stupidly I went round to his house to confront him (Id had beer).  After a chat he said that he had sex with her 3 times the previous Tuesday.  It killed me. Now this Tuesday we'd had a huge row and she never got in touch all day.  His mother was here from France and they were all together all day.  When I confronted her, she just got angry with me.  No "Oh dont be daft, as if I would do that... " etc... it was pure aggression - whats that all about?  If I was accused I would reassure... .she never does.

To this day I will never know.  Only she does.  But I cant dwell on this anymore.  But it seriously dented us.  But then again, he was the kind of guy that texted to say he was going to drown her cats if she didnt pick them up.  I think she is used to that volitile relationship.  I am not. Shes had 2 partners in 20 years...   Marriage for 13 and a bf for 7.  She doesnt flit (which is good). Well - that I know of... .  Its all these little things that build up - I just dont trust her anymore.

Emma has texted today saying that her friend wants to stay with her until January about 100 miles away.  TBH I want her to go.  So I said that it was probably a good idea, so we can gain some perspective.  (I didnt say it like I wanted her to go)... .  I said perhaps maybe for a week though, as I believe she will miss it here.  Then this quickly escalated into "Youve proved over and over that Im disposable... and you dont want me around... ., im not going to spend xmas on my own"... .etc.

To answer your question, I dont know how we make up now.  I used to sit there begging her to speak and to try and calm the situatiuon, but my patience has gone.  We just dont speak for 3 days now and then a text will come from me, or her.


Oh and PS I didnt mean to be disrespectful calling it BPD... .  I got the acronym wrong (I was a bit in shock and panicked when I wrote this!)... .


Many thanks... .

[confusedbloke]

Hi Cycling,

Thanks for your response too.  Feels like therapy

What do you mean by more "high functioning"?  And what is pwBPD?

I believe that Emma is massively insecure... .  and over time, she has made me insecure... .I guess in a way, I have "sunk to her level"... .because of the suspect way she has behaved.  So now she can justify when I call her names or shout at her.  She never seems to remember how it got to the stage, only that I shouted at her. She seems to like the fact that she got me to this stage.

Regarding alcohol.  I love a drink, but would gladly stop when Im with her - its bad for me anyway!  But I don't think she will.  I remember her saying to me in the beginning "Please don't think bad of me, coz apparently I get stupid when Im drunk".  I remember thinking, "Youre exaggerating"... .  ha! How wrong was I.

I dread it when she says that shes going to the shop.  She always comes back with an arm full of wine (14% stuff aswell).  I used to try and match her glass for glass... .If I didn't, she would down both bottles and be absolutely paralytic. But I don't want to drink that much.  Im going to ban alcohol from my house when she is here... .but tbh, I don't really care if she doesn't come any more.  She texted today to say, "You'll be alright if I go to my friends, you have your kids, your friend, you'll be fine... ".  And she is right.  I think she knows that, and I think it makes her worse.  I've always wanted her around, but because she's got like this, Ive gone off her.  She says that Id rather be with my friend than spend time with her... well sometimes I do.  Sometimes I want to have some beers with my mate and talk about blokey stuff.  Theres no stress and no hassle!  He's been my mate for 15 years and knows me!  She said once that "I feel like theres 3 of us in this relationship... .".  Feels as if she wants him out of the picture.  But that aint happening.  I gave up my friends for my marriage... .And found it tough there on my own after that broke down.  I will never lose my friends again!  I think she feels like she has to compete with my kids and my mate.  I have the kids on average 3 times per week, but we worked it out so that on a tues and weds, she goes to work on a night while I have them... .Thursdays (today), are the day when me and her get together.  I don't think it will be happenng tonight.  I need some space - she's too much.

Sorry for going on - feel like I need to get all this s*** off my chest... .

Cheers