Back, confused, trying...

[HurtinNW]

Hello all

I posted here some months ago, intent on leaving, and again recently on the staying board, which shows you how enmeshed I've been in getting recycled.

Long story short: my so and I have had a very chaotic four year relationship marked with more break-ups than I can even remember, fights, his rages and storming out, my tears. In the good times there was genuine connection, companionship, and love. He is not diagnosed but everything about BPD fits him. He's never had a serious relationship: every woman he ever dated started on a pedestal and was quickly devalued and discarded. He can be incredibly charming, kind, and social. In person he can also be incredibly cruel, critical, loving one moment and explosive the next. He comes from a family with a lot of diagnosed personality disorders.

The first six months of our relationship were amazing. I felt I had found my soul mate. Since felt like I was slipping down a hill trying to regain that, with everything getting worse. The last year we spent more time apart than together. In fact I was looking through photos on my phone and realized I barely spent any time with him in the last year: our cycle shortened so that we might spend a few weeks together, he'd blow out and leave, give me the silence treatment for weeks or even months, and then we'd resume. He last saw my kids six months ago when he stormed again out of my house, saying vile things. Our connections since I have kept him out of their lives because I don't want them to deal with any more chaos. I set boundaries around that, at least.

Recently we reconnected and he dropped the bombshell on me he is probably leaving town for a new job. He wants a LDR. I do not want that. He's been keeping me on eggshells while he "decides" whether to leave for work or stay for me. This has me feeling completely shattered.

I know rationally that this is not getting better and I have to face the fact it will not get better, even if he stays. My efforts to detach have not worked because the truth is, part of me hoped to reconnect. I am realizing that what needs to change is me. I need to work on whatever it is keeping me in this awful abusive cycle.

I've done a lot of reading: the books recommended on this site along with Susan Anderson's The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. That's been the most helpful. I realize that my own abandonment issues have been horribly triggered by this relationship. I was severely abused as a child and was once diagnosed with PTSD. I have my own insecure attachment issues and a deep abandonment panic has been triggered. This was the first person I ever felt vulnerable with sexually. I felt like I entrusted him with my heart, and he has it captive. I am in therapy and my counselor points out that the way he treats me is very familiar: it is exactly how I was treated in my family. I was scapegoated and rejected.

For me to leave this relationship feels a lot like me failing again in getting someone to love me. I will feel alone, rejected and unloveable. This is the greatest fear of my life. I am afraid I won't survive it. I thought I had found the person who would see me and love me, and it feels very shattering to lose that.

I am going to start doing the lessons of this board again, and reading here, and posting too if that is okay. I so much want to get out of the pain I have been in these last few years. The sad thing is I have so much going for me in my life. I have a successful career, I am highly respected as an artist, I have amazing kids, I'm attractive, and so forth. This relationship has shattered me to the point where I have trouble believing in any of those things.

I am stuck in the early stages of the grief cycle, especially in bargaining. I do not know how to move into the scary open place of acceptance... .that it truly is over.

[hopealways]

I feel you, our stories are all very similar. I am 5 months NC and I have also realized that what I do need to work on is ME as well.  Realized that this is hard and unfamiliar to me largely because I have spent a lifetime giving, rescuing, running around for everyone except myself.  I have reached a place of peace now after 5 months but I do feel lonely often and wish I could be motivated to get out and meet new people.  That's where I am today.

Hang in there. He will always keep you on eggshells, that's just what they do.  As far as you know he ay not even have a real job offer and wants to see your reaction to see if you still care to get an ego boost. 

[Joem678]

Hi there,

The key will be to learn to love yourself.  We put so much pressure on ourselves to be accepted by the ones we love.  That is why we get that sense of "peace" when they return.  We feel accepted again.  The hardest thing for me was, not only when she left, but when I started to ponder about leaving myself.  When we think about leaving, you want to continue to try for that acceptance.  The feeling of US leaving is the same as the feeling of them leaving.  It all has to do with our own validation.  We have validated them all the time that we get lost in them and forget about ourselves.  

Learn to love yourself!  I'm still in that process... .

[HurtinNW]

Thank you for the kind replies! It means a lot to me.

hopealways, I have the same challenge as you. I am a helper by nature. In fact my day job involves rescuing people, quite literally. Most of my helping others has been redemptive for me. I think I wanted this relationship to be redemptive too... .I think I was repeating the patterns of my childhood. Only this time instead of rejecting me, my abusive mother would love me. That's embarrassing to admit, but I think that is the pattern his behaviors triggered.

It is a real job offer, I happen to know for sure. The thing is I can understand why he wants it. He has been unemployed for two years. He feels he is being rescued. He's got the same pie-in-the-sky idealism about this he had about me and about everything else that comes along new and bright and shiny. But he also has real economic and identity reasons for taking the job. There are not many jobs in his field anymore. This would mean him moving seven hours away, and the job would be very demanding.

Part of me wonders if I should actually encourage him to take the job. Yes it would end our relationship, which would probably be for the best in the end, if I can navigate through this pain. And it would be a growing and learning experience for him. To say the least, given his unreliability  Truthfully, if he can get his crap together and do well in this job I think it would be very good for him. His BPD symptoms have been a thousand times worse since he got laid off. His last job let him be super flaky and irresponsible. He was always missing deadlines and meetings.

Now that I write that I realize maybe part of me wants him to feel guilty for hurting me so badly, and that part is mixed up with wanting to stay together. It's confusing.

Joem678, that is my biggest struggle. I don't feel love for myself. I don't know how to find it. I know that is why I panic so deeply at the thought of him being gone. I have no idea what the process is like to love myself... .

[Joem678]

I had those same questions myself.  You really need to focus the thinking on yourself.  It is very hard and impossible.  I wrote a letter to myself, speaking very candidly on their behavior.  I would read it first thing in the morning.  I was not functioning at all, so in the letter I would ask questions like, have you had breakfast?  Have you taken your meds?  Have you exercised today?  Stuff like that.  After some time, you won't need the letter.  Because, of your story, I have a lot of respect for you already and know that you are a beautiful person on the inside as well.  Start giving this trait to new people. And I mean with a friend that doesn't know your story.  If you don't have a friend that doesn't know your story, then make a new friend.  A huge mistake is that when we speak to our friends and family, they will unintentionally keep us in this hole!

I'm here for you if you need anything.

[HurtinNW]

I had those same questions myself.  You really need to focus the thinking on yourself.  It is very hard and impossible.  I wrote a letter to myself, speaking very candidly on their behavior.  I would read it first thing in the morning.  I was not functioning at all, so in the letter I would ask questions like, have you had breakfast?  Have you taken your meds?  Have you exercised today?  Stuff like that.  After some time, you won't need the letter.  Because, of your story, I have a lot of respect for you already and know that you are a beautiful person on the inside as well.  Start giving this trait to new people. And I mean with a friend that doesn't know your story.  If you don't have a friend that doesn't know your story, then make a new friend.  A huge mistake is that when we speak to our friends and family, they will unintentionally keep us in this hole!

I'm here for you if you need anything.

Do you mean to make a new friend and not tell them my story but to share with them my good parts? I never thought of that before. Most my friends know my story. I can see it does keep me in this place because I am focusing so much on feeling like a failure, scared, alone, etc. I like the idea of the letter. I've been really good about exercising, which is a longstanding habit to help with stress. But this relationship has put me in an abyss. Honestly it has returned me to a place I was in childhood, which is catastrophic. I lived in terror for much of my early childhood. I had thought I had overcome that abuse, and gone on to do many good things and help many people (which is the case). To feel put back in that terror and sadness and despair is so very difficult. I know it is wrong to feel he is the only way out of the despair.

[Joem678]

When my wife left, I was going to school so I was unemployed.  I was forced to get a job.  I was in a horrible place emotionally.  When I started working, based on the same advice, I made sure not to reveal my marriage issues and allow them to get to know me.  Over the course of these relationships we only identify ourselves with them.  Since then, I have made great friends where my relationship is never the topic of conversation.  It feels great and helps me heal.  You will find your close family and friends wanting to talk about your relationship and you won't want to.  I promise.

The letter motivates you. Put whatever you want in it.  Put it in a place where you will find it every morning.  The thoughts of them are very consuming and you will forget reading it just like you probably forget eating. 

[disillusionedandsore]

Welcome back,  I can so empathise with your story and where you are at,  it could be my own.  The pain is incredible at times I won't lie,  giving up the dream was the toughest thing I have ever done and the healthiest.  This is a good place to be (BPD Family), you are not alone here,  so many have walked and are walking in your shoes.  Lean in to the support if you can,  you will heal this, it does get better.  Big hug.