New here and glad to see there are others like me

[techguy85]

Hi everyone! I found this site last night when searching for answers on what to do. My wife and I got into it after I saw a txt message on her phone from a guy she knows from back in high school who has similar mental issues. It wasn't anything specific but what he said seemed more to me than casual conversation w/ a friend. She denied any cheating and I felt I could believe her because when I have confronted her in the past about cheating she has confessed to me. I later saw she had sent him some pictures, though I didn't see the actual pics, just a discussion about "sexy photos".

Anyways, she stayed the night at a hotel and I stayed at home w/ our daughter. She came home this morning and we argued for bit before she left again. She called me and eventually came home and we talked more in-depth about it. At this point we have apologized to each other and she decided to give me some space and stayed in the hotel again tonight.

In the past she has cheated on me, once before we got married and twice since. The last time was a few weeks before we found out she was pregnant as we decided to try to have a child; that was a devastating blow to me as I didn't sense anything was wrong at the time, but that is how it usually goes tbh. I guess I'm really looking for some comfort from others in the same or similar situations. She has been recently diagnosed with BPD and I am still trying to figure it out myself and how to react to things in the best way. I know my reaction this time wasn't the best but I was worried it was happening all over again but this time our child was involved; it just hit me hard emotionally.

I feel like the last time she cheated, when she was pregnant and didn't know, I have just been emotionally devastated because of it. Not just because of the cheating aspect but also because a few weeks after I found out about the cheating, we then learned she was pregnant, I felt like I went through everything emotionally all over again because I was worried about whose child it was. I had a very tough time being excited about it at first because of this problem and the worst part was that it was on Thanksgiving when we learned she was pregnant and she wanted to tell everyone when we met with family. I have gotten over that since then and our daughter is now 3 1/2 yo. I don't think of that anymore but ever since then I have felt like I am more cold and have a harder time expressing feelings or emotions which makes it harder to help my wife deal with her issues.

I am going to see about seeing a marriage counselor or maybe a psychiatrist with my wife because I know I can't help both of us; it is hard enough just to deal with the daily mood swings she goes through. She does great taking her medication and staying on top of her appointments and I feel like she is doing what she can as far as treating it and working with her doctor. I just feel like I am making things worse because I have such a hard time trying to emotionally involve myself and help her through this.

I'm sorry this was so long and my punctuation is probably horrible but I don't have anyone to turn to aside from my wife about this and I really feel like I need to reach out to someone about this. I don't like to talk to my friends about this stuff because they are also her friends and I don't want them to judge her when they don't understand it like I do; and the same with my family as well. I can talk to her family but I know they aren't sure how to deal with things and it may end up making things harder in the long run right now until we can work our issues out together.

Thanks for any help or suggestions you all may have.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EmotionalWarfare]

Hi Tech guy,

Welcome to the forum.  I too am a new member.  I find this site can illicit some emotions from me I didn't realize were bottled up.  This sight brings me comfort at times and ,depending on my mindset, can make me feel hopeless but there is a wealth of information here and people who give some pretty insightful advice and alternative views that can lend new perspectives and help build personal strength.  Anyway, So sorry to hear of your situation.  That must be truly tough.  I am not sure I'd be as strong as you.  I too, have no resources and that makes coping tough at times.  You're post raises several questions for me and quite possibly ones you have most likely considered yourself.

1) How long did you date/ been married?

2) Does your wife acknowledge how this has/does hurt you or seem regretful?

3) Have you identified a trigger that causes her to act out this way?

4) Have to tried to set boundaries for this?

5) Hate to ask but are you certain that your child is yours biologically?

6) Have you asked your wife what she really wants?  Does she want to continue to be married to you?  Does

    she want a monogamous relationship?

My thoughts are considering the information you have shared that you need to decide what it is you're willing to put up with in your life.  I myself, am not sure I'd have what it takes.  But if this persists do you think you have a support system or enough emotional strength and patience to endure this for any period?  I consider myself a very strong and emotional mature individual being I have endured my uBPDw and uBPD mother-in-law for 21 years.  But even the best of us have periods that just seem intolerable and push us down to places(depression, hopelessness) we fight hard to stay out of.  It sounds to me that some strict boundaries need to be set on her.  Fortunately, my wife and I agree on this.  WE have no Facebook, no snapchat, twitter, etc. etc.  I have no use for them personally.  My feeling is the people who know me, (and that I would want to hear from)know how to reach me.  The rest probably do not have the best of intentions.  There are too many ways for people to be deceitful, hook-up, and what not in today's society.  Maybe start by having a conversation with her and try to get her to see the destructive potential, and destructive nature of even flirting or what might be perceived as harmless chat via whatever method she is using.  Set up some mutual boundaries.  You absolutely should not have to live your life wondering if/when she will cheat again.  I suggest you might take steps that help you two to re-establish some trust.  Best of luck my friend!

[babyducks]

welcome tech guy.   we are glad to have you with us.   and hope that you can get comfortable here and join the conversations.

you mentioned that your wife was just recently diagnosed, have you had the change to do any reading about the disorder?   because this is such a large site with so many resources let me encourage you to take a look at this link"

Borderline Personality Disorder - A Clinical Perspective


I hope your wife is receiving treatment and would suggest that you might want to think about a therapist for yourself for a little while.   Having the support of a trained professional was invaluable to me when my relationship was going through a difficult time.

'ducks

[ColdEthyl]

Hello and welcome! <3 hugs

[techguy85]

Thank you all for your support and questions! I have answers for both EmotionalWarfare and baby ducks below. I know that I need to seek help for myself as well; it would definitely help me in the long run as I have a hard time telling whether I am making the right decisions and choosing the right battles as it is more or less an emotional response from me. I love my wife and hate that we have had so many up's and down's. I just feel lost and it affects everything in my life from concentration at work, not going out w/ friends as much or at all anymore and feeling like my daughter is missing out because my wife gets uncomfortable in social situations and doesn't take her out much.

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1) How long did you date/ been married? - We dated for 3 years and have been married for 7.

2) Does your wife acknowledge how this has/does hurt you or seem regretful? - She acknowledges that it was a horrible decision, each time, but doesn't seem to understand how it has affected me. I have a hard time talking to her about it because I don't know how to discuss it because it is a low point in our relationship and has made me feel worthless at times.

3) Have you identified a trigger that causes her to act out this way? - I haven't specifically, but it does seem to happen when she is badly depressed and I am not very good at all at helping her with that as I don't understand depression. I am hoping the resources on this site will help me with that and also some counseling/psychiatrist. Money is an issue at this point as we don't have much and we are already paying for other bills and doctor visits for my wife who is also diabetic and has back issues.

4) Have to tried to set boundaries for this? - TBH, I am not even sure where to begin with this. I try to be tough on certain issues but when we argue about it she makes me feel like I am controlling her and I feel that would make things worse for the argument.

5) Hate to ask but are you certain that your child is yours biologically? - I am not, and at this point I am not even sure it matters. I chose not to get a test. She is my daughter, I love and care for her and she helps me cope when my wife and I are at odds.

6) Have you asked your wife what she really wants?  Does she want to continue to be married to you?  Does

    she want a monogamous relationship? - She wants more support from me but I have a hard time being there for her because it is usually while I am at work and I can't get away to talk; that is when she gets angry with me and says I am not there for her. She wants to stay married, yes. She doesn't want to be with someone else that I am aware of other than when she is having low points w/ her BPD. AFAIK she hasn't carried a long term relationship with someone else; it is usually brief "thing" and I somehow find out and it stops.

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you mentioned that your wife was just recently diagnosed, have you had the change to do any reading about the disorder?   because this is such a large site with so many resources let me encourage you to take a look at this link" - I have done some reading on it but now much. There is so much that I am not sure where to begin. I plan to spend some time on this site over the upcoming Christmas break.