The guilt is eating me alive

[FlyingJ]

Hello all -

After three years of intense emotional struggle and hardship, I finally had to pull the plug on my relationship. It was an extremely hard decision but I feel as though I was left with no other choice. Having read up on BPD, it was obvious my ex showed near textbook description. But one thing she was particularly good at was shifting the guilt and blame onto me. The final "fight" was an attempt to reestablish the foundation of the relationship which was trust. After going back and forth several times, the subject was shifted several different ways and she "won" (with me throwing in the towel because no matter what I said, I just wasn't getting through to her). I was then accused of emotionally messing with her head, not wanting the relationship to work out and that my ex (before her) was to blame. Now obviously my rational mind knows all this was untrue and at the time I was just in disbelief and anger because of what I was hearing. I blocked her number (only to unblock it hours later) and I have not heard from her, going on two weeks now. The guilt and shame she put on me is literally eating me alive. Even though I know I did my best and the ONLY option was to leave (three long years of this same thing) I can't stop blaming myself. I feel empty and lost inside. I'm still living in her world even though she's probably onto the next victim.

Does anybody have any thoughts or advice that will help? I would appreciate it.

[lovenature]

Sadly there is nothing you can say or do to get them to see reality; a pwBPD makes up their own reality to fit their current emotion of the moment, to them feelings=facts. Without them committing to years of therapy, there is no way for a healthy intimate relationship to exist; keep reading and learning, doesn't matter how much you accept and try to make it work-the closer you get, the more you trigger their fear of engulfment and abandonment, and the more they push you away.

I would recommend to stay NC, and look at why you stayed as long as you did, and accepted as much as you did; the real healing begins when we look at ourselves.

[FlyingJ]

I learned that I am a codependent for sure. So I need to work on that for myself. One of my biggest fears is thinking that this person will go off and be magically cured with someone else. I guess it's just part of the bearing myself up phase.

[enlighten me]

Hi FlyingJ

I think we all have this fear that it was us and that they will meet someone and the honeymoon/ idolisation phase that we all had will be what their life is like. Maybe not that but at least the bad behaviour will not be present with someone else.

Time will prove to you that without professional treatment their behaviour will continue and the cycle will keep happening in all their relationships.

My ex split with her last boyfriend in September. From what I can tell about seven months into it the cracks where showing with a few public fb rants. She has a new bf now and is in the idolisation phase but give it time and history will repeat.

[kc sunshine]

FlyingJ-- Your description of your breakup is EXACTLY like mine-- my exes were huge problems for her, and trust issues around them were the reason (ostensibly) that we broke up. So painful to have to do something that I didn't want (break up) for something that wasn't true. Lovenature's words help me to understand it-- thank you:

Sadly there is nothing you can say or do to get them to see reality; a pwBPD makes up their own reality to fit their current emotion of the moment, to them feelings=facts.

[Should I stay or...]

Welcome FlyingJ;

Their perceptions are their realities, unfortunately, they have minimal ability to be introspective. Without the ability to look inwards to see ones own faults' there's only one person to blame, the person standing right in front of them, you. 

[Moselle]

FlyingJ,

Sorry to heat of your anguish. Many of us have been through a similar experience so you're in good company.  .

It will get better in time. And you sound very self aware. Keep it up!

[apollotech]

FJ,

Educate yourself thoroughly on BPD. Learn the mechanics of the disorder, learn how it manifests itself in a relationship and in the pwBPD. Once that's done, review your relationship with your newfound knowledge. I think you will find that you played a very small role within the relationship. BPD is very consuming, very much in control. For the most part, we were in relationships with people that spent a large amount of their efforts trying to regulate their emotions between feeling abandoned or engulfed. You, we, were used in those regulation attempts. You didn't have control of this process, nor did your exSO. You didn't have the authority to change this process. If you don't have the authority to change something, you cannot be held accountable for it.

[Moselle]

You didn't have control of this process, nor did your exSO. You didn't have the authority to change this process. If you don't have the authority to change something, you cannot be held accountable for it.

Apollotech, why do you think we don't have authority to change the process?

If we become accountable for OUR behaviours, boundaries and perceptions, are we not changing the process? Who is stopping us or giving us authority to play a more healthy role?

FlyingJ, well done for the choices you made. It takes courage to.walk away from something/someone we once loved. Ironically it can sometimes  be the healthiest choice for both parties. Even when there's guilt and pain.

Apollotech is right there's much to learn. Have a look through the lessons on the right hand side if this page. They can be excellent tools to help us through.

[apollotech]

Apollotech, why do you think we don't have authority to change the process?

Hi Moselle,

I don't think changes by the Non can be made that will result in a healthy or normal relationship. Yes, certain avenues can be improved---to a degree---but, BPD is going to underlie the relationship. The real beneficial changes that would stabilize and enhance the relationship substantially have to come from the pwBPD.

[FlyingJ]

Thank you everybody for your thoughts and words. It's extremely hard at times, so hard I feel like I'm being chocked, but then it gets easy, and back to hard. I've been through this and I knew this was coming at some point. I guess I was just as in denial as the BPD is. I've exhausted every possible solution. Nothing made a difference. I always ended up in the same place.

Thank you again.

[JSF13]

FlyingJ: Your relationship sounds very similar to mine. I was always fighting the trust battle. I blamed myself as the way my pwBPDex and I met. It was not the highest point of my life but it was not who I am as a person and I went above and beyond for a year to prove differently. My ex was so insecure over me she did everything to push me out. She constantly projected on to me. I had completely lost myself and my visible health was deteriorating from the stress and anxiety. My friends and family were all worried about me. I sank every ounce of my being into that girl and not a thing mattered. She would attack me over my past. She destroyed most all of my friendships with lies. Any girl I had previously dated or hooked up with that she knew she made sure to sever all communication and friendships with claiming they still wanted me or vice versa. None of that was ever true. She even convinced me I was being inappropriate and that I had even cheated on her. None of that was EVER true. I loved my ex more tan anything in this world. It's a shame the illness will not allow her to see that. If you ever need anything feel free to reach out man! You're in a great place for sure!

[FlyingJ]

FlyingJ: Your relationship sounds very similar to mine. I was always fighting the trust battle. I blamed myself as the way my pwBPDex and I met. It was not the highest point of my life but it was not who I am as a person and I went above and beyond for a year to prove differently. My ex was so insecure over me she did everything to push me out. She constantly projected on to me. I had completely lost myself and my visible health was deteriorating from the stress and anxiety. My friends and family were all worried about me. I sank every ounce of my being into that girl and not a thing mattered. She would attack me over my past. She destroyed most all of my friendships with lies. Any girl I had previously dated or hooked up with that she knew she made sure to sever all communication and friendships with claiming they still wanted me or vice versa. None of that was ever true. She even convinced me I was being inappropriate and that I had even cheated on her. None of that was EVER true. I loved my ex more tan anything in this world. It's a shame the illness will not allow her to see that. If you ever need anything feel free to reach out man! You're in a great place for sure!

Thanks man! Me and you share almost identical stories. I'm carrying all the false guilt that was placed onto me and I just don't know how to beat it! The thing that turns my stomach is the thought of her moving on so quickly to someone else. I read that they normally line up another person far before the demise of your relationship and that hurts in itself.

[Moselle]

Apollotech, why do you think we don't have authority to change the process?

Hi Moselle,

I don't think changes by the Non can be made that will result in a healthy or normal relationship. Yes, certain avenues can be improved---to a degree---but, BPD is going to underlie the relationship. The real beneficial changes that would stabilize and enhance the relationship substantially have to come from the pwBPD.

We have to be a bit careful here. We all seem to have similar experiences which brings us to identify with this group but n truth each pwBPD is unique and can be classified on the criteria co-operative to uncooperative, low functioning to high functioning, not dangerous to dangerous. So there are different expressions of the illness.

The truth is Borderlines can and do recover. And where it was historically labelled as untreatable, today there are new therapy techniques like DBT which show significant increases in recovery rates.

It's my opinion that the first step  to improvement is likely to come from the "non". The non is generally considered the more healthy of the two and we can start changes to the relationship by refusing to enable some.of the behaviours, communicating more effectively with SET, introducing and enforcing our personal boundaries etc. This is the Non's journey to a more healthy  relationship.  And the response of the pwBPD determines the future of the relationship. They make a choice to start the healing process and acknowledge their illness or the choose not to. But we as non's can catalyze this by taking leadership of our role.

Once the pwBPD knows the game is over they experience a lot of pain called extinction bursts, where they try to force us back into the old patterns they have come to expect. When we stand our ground and enforce our boundaries we are acting in healthier ways.

At this inflection point, yes , I believe you are right - the BPD has to choose change. Some do, some don't bit the Non has catalyzed a personal change in themselves and how they respond to the pwBPD.

This is my opinion however and we each have a unique  story to tell.

[JSF13]

 Thanks man! Me and you share almost identical stories. I'm carrying all the false guilt that was placed onto me and I just don't know how to beat it! The thing that turns my stomach is the thought of her moving on so quickly to someone else. I read that they normally line up another person far before the demise of your relationship and that hurts in itself.[/quote]
To be honest idk if my ex has someone or not. I believe she does as looking back there are many red flags to indicate there is. She even has hinted at it but told my sister she isn't. However she has lied to me about everything while calling me a liar when I wasn't so I don't believe really anything she says. I am on VLC/NC with her but she is still trying. Outside of responding with "OK" to 2 out of prob 12 emails in 6 weeks I haven't spoke to her. She hit my sister up the other day she was begging her to have me call. My sister said I wouldn't, that she has hurt me far to bad and I loved her more than anything. That triggered my ex to start devaluing and lying about me immediately to which my sister blocked her. I struggle my butt off to not go back. I love my ex more than anything but I do not love her illness and deserve far more than what I got. I know the struggle my dude.

[C.Stein]

I'm carrying all the false guilt that was placed onto me and I just don't know how to beat it! The thing that turns my stomach is the thought of her moving on so quickly to someone else. I read that they normally line up another person far before the demise of your relationship and that hurts in itself.

You and me both, I just don't know how much of the guilt is false vs. deserved.  Being replaced before the end is probably the hardest pill to swallow.  I am struggling with it myself as it is something I had come to believe my ex would never do to me, even though I knew she had the potential to do it.  Add to that the "moving" on almost instantly with zero remorse or regret, acting like she never had feelings for me at all just makes that pill 100x bigger.

[FlyingJ]

You and me both, I just don't know how much of the guilt is false vs. deserved.  Being replaced before the end is probably the hardest pill to swallow.  I am struggling with it myself as it is something I had come to believe my ex would never do to me, even though I knew she had the potential to do it.  Add to that the "moving" on almost instantly with zero remorse or regret, acting like she never had feelings for me at all just makes that pill 100x bigger.

I'm right there with you! It's maddening.