Hi everyone.
I have joined reddit's raisedbynarcissists sub-reddit, in April and have been active there, and a little active in the raisedbyborderline's sub-reddit, but I felt that maybe this would be better to make and post here a little more because all this is is BPD.
A little background on me: I'm an 18 year old daughter of a 61 year old uBPD mother. I have an estranged alcoholic/drug addicted brother who is 27 and a narcissist dad (doesn't talk to me so) I'm right now currently at my local community college, and really going to attempt to transfer in a year or so to my local state university. Stay in the dorms, probably get told that I will be disowned, and then apply for a dependency override
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A little bit about my mom... .
I always knew something was wrong ever since she first yelled at me at age 3 for spilling milk from the "big girl cup". I was glared at... .this terrible, awful looking scary look, then she hit me repeatedly, screamed at me for "making a huge mess" that she would "have to clean up and waste time on". I was so terrifed from her since then. I didn't understand why spilling things was such a big deal... .I was only 3. I don't remember much from my early days but I do remember that much.
Growing up, from 3-12ish, she would just yell at me. She'd gaslight me. She'd hit me over and over. She'd scream in my face about having a crush on a child in my 2nd grade class... .she told me I'd never date, get married, no one would like me. She ran around the house chasing me with scissors threatening to cut all my hair off at age 7. All I did was make the bed frame fall down. She told me that she should have never had us kids, she should drop me off at an orphanage, she should... .
die. She should go
"jump in front of a train". I remember getting on my hands and knees, begging her, telling her I loved her over and over... .why did she want to die? Didn't she love me? I loved her? I wasn't good enough for her?
Presents, holidays, birthdays were always bad. I used to hate Mother's Day, she'd make everything about her. How I should treat her like a queen... .I should make her cards, tell her I love her constantly (she made me feel that way and still does, but I will get there). Her birthday's were terrible... .she'd never want the presents my dad would buy for her. They weren't good enough. Thanksgiving was always yelling matches, sigh. I won't get into much detail with that.
My mother tells me frequently the following:
You don't love me
If you loved me you would tell me you will stay with me forever
You're going to leave me aren't you?
You can't make it on your own
Livingwithhorror, we have to stay together forever. We are all each other's has
If you can't put up with my complaining there's the door
Why don't you love me? I've done EVERYTHING for you.
You don't appreciate me
Why don't you call me by name? Mom? What am I to you?
You can't ever leave me
You're my only happiness
What have I ever done to you? Have I abused you? No.
Why do I have to be the one to say I love you first?
We have to make each other happy I believe she is the Hermit mother. She's told me all of those things plus more but... .you get the gist. She sometimes tells me I will become a whore, once I get a car (I still do not have my license, she is working on it though. I'm going to use some student loan money to buy the car). She tells me that I will fail without her, she's scared me basically into living. I don't tell her much about my friends (I have one friend she knows about, the rest are online friends). I live in fear telling her that a mentor/replacement brother/friend of mine is going to call me on the phone to make sure I'm okay (I told him about this crazy person in March... .he was the first to really open my eyes to the abuse, told me to either repair it or leave it behind and he'll be here every step of the way once I leave her, he's almost 36 and married with a child on the way, so don't worry
). When she wants me to go to the store with her (I go everywhere with her), I sometimes tell her no. She tries to guilt me, into saying I hate her, or I don't love her because I don't want to go with her but in all honesty I just... .don't want to listen to her keep complaining.
She uses me as a husband, a therapist, an emotional punching bag, a crying shoulder, etc. When I learned about BPD, it was in May of this year. I found a therapist, and my mom has been taking me to her ever since then. My mom thinks I'm talking to the therapist about my dad, but I'm actually talking about my mom. My therapist has helped me so much in realizing I need to get away from this woman who gave birth to me. I'm just so... .scared. I fear of leaving her, to think she might kill herself (I honestly think she would... .which upsets me so much), or to just hate me. If she disowns me because I will go try to live in the dorms (only way I see out right now)... .I guess it's a good thing. But it hurts because she doesn't understand that she's hurt me so much. I have wrote a letter of 5,000 words that I felt like giving to her once I can leave the state, but I don't know yet.
She's threatened to stop taking me to my therapist, saying that she must be the one telling me to "leave" (never ever have told my mom I'm going to. I keep lying and saying I will stay... .I can't really not lie). She tells me that my best friend must be telling me things, and that's why I "act differently". Ugh.
My therapist has told me I'm capable of living on my own, I can start an adult life. I can live without her. But I think you guys and the older adults can understand the fear of leaving than she can.
To anyone who reads this, thank you. I'm glad to know I'm not alone with suffering with this, and any feedback or relatable people, I'd love to read your stories on how you got away... .etc.
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