Why isn't she talking to me

[Depression = 72% of members]

Me and my girlfriend of 2 years broke up just over a month ago, she has BPD. I broke up with her due to her claiming she is asexual and no longer wants a physical relationship. It was both a hard and an easy decision to walk away from that. But I find it sad that she has not talked to me at ALL since the day after we broke up. We went from being inseparable to completely nothing in a matter of days. A week after the break up she tried to commit suicide, and I had to hear about it from her family. Since then I have had no contact with her, she never replied to my messages. I've given up trying to talk to her now, but I do want to be friends with her. I just want to check in on her to see if shes okay from time to time, she has no friends, just family. Its hard for me to believe that she is trying to be mature, and move on by not having any contact with me at all - that just isnt her. Plus why couldnt she just say that she doesn't want to talk to me again, at least then I would know her feelings. Plus due to the no contact thing I cant help but be constantly worrying that she has actually killed herself. I don't talk to the family anymore and my phone is broken so I couldnt even if I wanted to. I'm very worried, but also confused about why she has ignored me for a month.

[RoseB]

Me and my girlfriend of 2 years broke up just over a month ago, she has BPD. I broke up with her due to her claiming she is asexual and no longer wants a physical relationship. It was both a hard and an easy decision to walk away from that. But I find it sad that she has not talked to me at ALL since the day after we broke up. We went from being inseparable to completely nothing in a matter of days. A week after the break up she tried to commit suicide, and I had to hear about it from her family. Since then I have had no contact with her, she never replied to my messages. I've given up trying to talk to her now, but I do want to be friends with her. I just want to check in on her to see if shes okay from time to time, she has no friends, just family. Its hard for me to believe that she is trying to be mature, and move on by not having any contact with me at all - that just isnt her. Plus why couldnt she just say that she doesn't want to talk to me again, at least then I would know her feelings. Plus due to the no contact thing I cant help but be constantly worrying that she has actually killed herself. I don't talk to the family anymore and my phone is broken so I couldnt even if I wanted to. I'm very worried, but also confused about why she has ignored me for a month.

[Suzn]

Hello RoseB

I'm sorry to hear you've been through this with your exgf. A suicide attempt is scary. 

Is it possible that she is seeing a therapist and getting help? How did you two use to communicate? (You say your phone is broken)

[Kelli Cornett]

I'm sorry BPD or not. A person tried to kill themselves over you and you are worried if they wanna talk to you or not?

Really? You don't think they are dealing with a little more important things at the moment?


This comes off extremely selfish to me. I understand your upset but this person is really mentally ill. You should pray for them.

[AG]

Something similar happened to me with my BPD ex where she attempted suicide. I don't know if this is in your case scenario but when mine attempted it she was forced into the phsyche ward immediately meaning the hospital retained her for them to monitor her. In the psyche ward they are not allowed to have they're cell phones and use pay phones while they are in there. If her family told you about her attempt it is possible that she is currently in treatment. It is not selfish for you to worry about her not contacting you. That notion is absurd to say the least. You were with her for two years and from what you said were inseperable it is only natural for you to want to hear from her. I'm sorry your going through this I'm sure your mind is all over the place. My guess is that she is probably undergoing treatment of some sort. Have you thought of reaching out to her family and asking if she is ok?

[Kelli Cornett]

Something similar happened to me with my BPD ex where she attempted suicide. I don't know if this is in your case scenario but when mine attempted it she was forced into the phsyche ward immediately meaning the hospital retained her for them to monitor her. In the psyche ward they are not allowed to have they're cell phones and use pay phones while they are in there. If her family told you about her attempt it is possible that she is currently in treatment. It is not selfish for you to worry about her not contacting you. That notion is absurd to say the least. You were with her for two years and from what you said were inseperable it is only natural for you to want to hear from her. I'm sorry your going through this I'm sure your mind is all over the place. My guess is that she is probably undergoing treatment of some sort. Have you thought of reaching out to her family and asking if she is ok?

It is actually. She broke this person's heart. Why do they owe you anything? You let them go. She is probably trying to pick up the pieces and it sounds like she didn't have many to begin with. I think you should back off.

[RoseB]

Something similar happened to me with my BPD ex where she attempted suicide. I don't know if this is in your case scenario but when mine attempted it she was forced into the phsyche ward immediately meaning the hospital retained her for them to monitor her. In the psyche ward they are not allowed to have they're cell phones and use pay phones while they are in there. If her family told you about her attempt it is possible that she is currently in treatment. It is not selfish for you to worry about her not contacting you. That notion is absurd to say the least. You were with her for two years and from what you said were inseperable it is only natural for you to want to hear from her. I'm sorry your going through this I'm sure your mind is all over the place. My guess is that she is probably undergoing treatment of some sort. Have you thought of reaching out to her family and asking if she is ok?

It is actually. She broke this person's heart. Why do they owe you anything? You let them go. She is probably trying to pick up the pieces and it sounds like she didn't have many to begin with. I think you should back off.

You don't really know the reasons why I had to break up with her, it took a lot of strength to walk away, and I certainly wasn't selfish for the two years spent under her control. There is debate whether she even loved me at all, judging by the way she treated me for two years (awfully), so I'm not sure I broke her heart, thanks, I just took away the life she was feeding off. Her suicide attempt was not likely a genuine one, like the majority of her other 'attempts', but it was still hard hearing about that and not being able to support her emotionally. (Yes, I realise it was also hard for her, the sufferer, but this isn't a support group for people with BPD). I still care about her, and just because we are no longer in a relationship doesn't mean people don't have to talk at all ever. I was wondering if she is trying to punish me with the silent treatment or something. Also, I am not saying that she owes me anything, I am aware that I broke up with her, however I do not message her or talk to her anymore, so I don't need to 'back off', I simply came on a group forum to talk to other people who may be in a similar position.

[RoseB]

Something similar happened to me with my BPD ex where she attempted suicide. I don't know if this is in your case scenario but when mine attempted it she was forced into the phsyche ward immediately meaning the hospital retained her for them to monitor her. In the psyche ward they are not allowed to have they're cell phones and use pay phones while they are in there. If her family told you about her attempt it is possible that she is currently in treatment. It is not selfish for you to worry about her not contacting you. That notion is absurd to say the least. You were with her for two years and from what you said were inseperable it is only natural for you to want to hear from her. I'm sorry your going through this I'm sure your mind is all over the place. My guess is that she is probably undergoing treatment of some sort. Have you thought of reaching out to her family and asking if she is ok?

Thank you. From what I have gathered, she was allowed to go back home the day after the suicide attempt. She has a history of taking overdoses, I'm not sure they will have taken her seriously. It may have been a cry for help. I hope she is seeing a therapist, but I'm not sure, its been a nightmare trying to get her therapy for years. Its just weird going from being so close to being completely nothing, especially with someone with BPD, its just extra complicated. Before we got together she made me agree that we would try to stay friends if we ever broke up, and I did agree, but it seems she doesn't want that anymore. I've heard that people with BPD use the silent treatment as a way of control. So I think that might be what she is doing. A week after we broke up she posted something online along the lines of 'I want you to miss having me in your life so much that it breaks you to the point that you cannot get back up'

[RoseB]

I'm sorry BPD or not. A person tried to kill themselves over you and you are worried if they wanna talk to you or not?

Really? You don't think they are dealing with a little more important things at the moment?


This comes off extremely selfish to me. I understand your upset but this person is really mentally ill. You should pray for them.

I've sent a longer reply to your other message. The suicide 'attempt' really isn't the important thing here, she used to take overdoses on a monthly basis. I probably shouldn't have even mentioned the suicide attempt if people are going to get hung up on it. I suppose I may have been desensitized to overdoses/self harm because she did it so much and without a real intent to die. Praying wont do a thing, obviously, but thanks. 

[Mutt]

've heard that people with BPD use the silent treatment as a way of control. So I think that might be what she is doing. A week after we broke up she posted something online along the lines of 'I want you to miss having me in your life so much that it breaks you to the point that you cannot get back up'

Hi RoseB,

I'm sorry to hear that. I see that you broke up with your friend because she said that she was asexual and she wasn't physical and maybe she is but does your friend have a past history of sexual abuse?

A pwBPD have rejection sensitivity and are hyper-sensitive with perceived or real rejection and over-react. It was an easy decision for you and it was difficult but it's also hard for your ex partner because she was rejected. A pwBPD anticipate that loved ones will reject and abandon them and will desperately attempt to avoid what they fear. The silent treatment is not a conscious effort to control loved ones, she's subconsciously pushing you away, it's not personal.

Fear of rejection for a pwBPD:

For example, a person suffering from BPD may so fear rejection in a new relationship that they recreate themselves in the image of a person they believe would be lovable. When the negative emotions for making such a sacrifice surface - and not having the ability to modulate them, they lash out at the target of their affections for "making them do it" - rather than face their own feelings of inadequacy / fear of rejection, ultimately damaging the relationship they so fear losing, and reinforcing their feelings of inadequacy / fear of rejection.

What is going on in a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer's mind and how they are acting can be two entirely different things.

To the sufferer, BPD is about deep feelings, feelings often too difficult to express, feelings that are something along the lines of this (2):

   If others really get to know me, they will find me rejectable and will not be able to love me; and they will leave me;

   I need to have complete control of my feelings otherwise things go completely wrong;

   I have to adapt my needs to other people's wishes, otherwise they will leave me or attack me;

   I am an evil person and I need to be punished for it;

   Other people are evil and abuse you;

   If someone fails to keep a promise, that person can no longer be trusted;

   If I trust someone, I run a great risk of getting hurt or disappointed;

   If you comply with someone's request, you run the risk of losing yourself;

   If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person;

   I will always be alone;

   I can't manage by myself, I need someone I can fall back on;

   There is no one who really cares about me, who will be available to help me, and whom I can fall back on;

   I don't really know what I want;

   I will never get what I want;

   I'm powerless and vulnerable and I can't protect myself;.

   I have no control of myself;

   I can't discipline myself;

   My feelings and opinions are unfounded;

   Other people are not willing or helpful.

What are the Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder?

[Kelli Cornett]

've heard that people with BPD use the silent treatment as a way of control. So I think that might be what she is doing. A week after we broke up she posted something online along the lines of 'I want you to miss having me in your life so much that it breaks you to the point that you cannot get back up'

Hi RoseB,

I'm sorry to hear that. I see that you broke up with your friend because she said that she was asexual and she wasn't physical and maybe she is but does your friend have a past history of sexual abuse?

A pwBPD have rejection sensitivity and are hyper-sensitive with perceived or real rejection and over-react. It was an easy decision for you and it was difficult but it's also hard for your ex partner because she was rejected. A pwBPD anticipate that loved ones will reject and abandon them and will desperately attempt to avoid what they fear. The silent treatment is not a conscious effort to control loved ones, she's subconsciously pushing you away, it's not personal.

Fear of rejection for a pwBPD:

For example, a person suffering from BPD may so fear rejection in a new relationship that they recreate themselves in the image of a person they believe would be lovable. When the negative emotions for making such a sacrifice surface - and not having the ability to modulate them, they lash out at the target of their affections for "making them do it" - rather than face their own feelings of inadequacy / fear of rejection, ultimately damaging the relationship they so fear losing, and reinforcing their feelings of inadequacy / fear of rejection.

What is going on in a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer's mind and how they are acting can be two entirely different things.

To the sufferer, BPD is about deep feelings, feelings often too difficult to express, feelings that are something along the lines of this (2):

   If others really get to know me, they will find me rejectable and will not be able to love me; and they will leave me;

   I need to have complete control of my feelings otherwise things go completely wrong;

   I have to adapt my needs to other people's wishes, otherwise they will leave me or attack me;

   I am an evil person and I need to be punished for it;

   Other people are evil and abuse you;

   If someone fails to keep a promise, that person can no longer be trusted;

   If I trust someone, I run a great risk of getting hurt or disappointed;

   If you comply with someone's request, you run the risk of losing yourself;

   If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person;

   I will always be alone;

   I can't manage by myself, I need someone I can fall back on;

   There is no one who really cares about me, who will be available to help me, and whom I can fall back on;

   I don't really know what I want;

   I will never get what I want;

   I'm powerless and vulnerable and I can't protect myself;.

   I have no control of myself;

   I can't discipline myself;

   My feelings and opinions are unfounded;

   Other people are not willing or helpful.

What are the Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder?

Exactly what I was trying to say. I think you would benefit by trying to learn empathy. Not sympathy. Putting yourself in someone else's shoes.

[Skip]

Rose,

You may want to start a thread on the "Saving" board to get advice on how to re-establish contact "as a friend" with understanding and being respectful for the hurt and rejection she feels.

Some good comments in this thread (all sides) and I'd like to add two more.

• The Internet and even therapists heavily push "no contact" after a breakup. She may be getting advice that this is the best tool or action for her to recover from this painful loss.

• The fact that she made an attempt and didn't accept your communication or attempt to contact you, is a pretty good indication that she is not trying to play games or manipulate you.

One last thought, it's easy to discount issues of suicide when someone has made prior attempts... .but we don't know if one attempt is a 90% commitment and the next was a 20% commitments, and the next 85%.  

The suicide completion rate is 1 in 25 - there are often attempts before the final one.

[thisworld]

Dear Rose,

I feel for you and understand the torment you are in. My ex BPD partner is a long time opiate addict  who had a number of overdoses behind him and who started suboxone again to be with m and also quit suboxone and started bridging in his relationship with me. In the last days of our relationship, he overdosed twice (reanimation was necessary in both) after he dumped me but did not leave my house, one was one day after he physically attacked me. Luckily, now, far away from me I believe he is safer - and so I am. If your partner is able to overdose, is it the case that she has an active addiction or drug abuse problem (which it doesn't have to be)? In that case, BPD and addiction or abused drugs are like a double-edged sword and very difficult for the partner. BPD triggers feelings, feelings trigger drug use, drug use makes a healthy relationship almost impossible if there is addiction at play. The other partner may feel very cornered as well. My partner did this not only with opiates but also with a number of prescription drugs he was given legally - xanax, nervium and things like that.

Please do not think of yourself as an insensitive person if you are, "desensitized" does not imply that. Many of us are advised that parasuicides and parasuicide threats have a manipulative aspect - this was very obvious with my ex- and we should take calm, emotionally uninvolved steps to deal with them - calling the police, health services etc. And sure thing we adjust to what is going on around us and get "desensitized." Don't blame yourself for this. Also, sometimes, people who have a history of overdoses behind them may be quite desensitized to it, too. My ex was so desensitized that he continued his verbal attacks from where he left as soon as we were in the hospital garden and I had to tell him that I would have to leave him there if he continued to shout. He calmed down, but as soon as he came, he tried to continue with drug use - which was scarier than overdose. He also called this overdose, without hiding, a parasuicide that went wrong and said it turned into an overdose because of wrong needle.) However they feel about it, we are not responsible for any of this. We didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it.

Sometimes, after an incident as such, we tend to erase everything that has happened until then. (My partner was well aware of this, so he would dump me, leave his stuff in my place, overdose, came back and announce that he would put his clothes back in the wardrobe.) Most of the time, it really doesn't help. Suicide, like rage, may be a cry for help and it makes our hearts break. However, help at this stage may be access to health services and recovery from addiction. We can contact our loved ones if we want to, but is what we do necessarily help?

Sometimes, and I'm not saying this is your case, detaching lovingly is the only thing we can do. (My ex had a 180 degree turn for a week after he left me and started sending his recovery notes to me, he is also much calmer now. Our relationship triggered him)

I'm sending you my hugs, want to remind you to look after yourself really well (you are probably as exhausted as your gf) and wish you all the best.

[RoseB]

Rose,

You may want to start a thread on the "Saving" board to get advice on how to re-establish contact "as a friend" with understanding and being respectful for the hurt and rejection she feels.

Some good comments in this thread (all sides) and I'd like to add two more.

• The Internet and even therapists heavily push "no contact" after a breakup. She may be getting advice that this is the best tool or action for her to recover from this painful loss.

• The fact that she made an attempt and didn't accept your communication or attempt to contact you, is a pretty good indication that she is not trying to play games or manipulate you.

One last thought, it's easy to discount issues of suicide when someone has made prior attempts... .but we don't know if one attempt is a 90% commitment and the next was a 20% commitments, and the next 85%.  

The suicide completion rate is 1 in 25 - there are often attempts before the final one.

I think you are right yeah, she probably has been told by a therapist that no contact is best, or just decided on her own. I dont think shes trying to manipulate me based on how long we have now gone without talking. I just wish we could be friends. In regards to the suicide attempt, she took some pills and then shortly after messaged her sister telling her what she had done, so who knows how genuine it was.

[RoseB]

've heard that people with BPD use the silent treatment as a way of control. So I think that might be what she is doing. A week after we broke up she posted something online along the lines of 'I want you to miss having me in your life so much that it breaks you to the point that you cannot get back up'

Hi RoseB,

I'm sorry to hear that. I see that you broke up with your friend because she said that she was asexual and she wasn't physical and maybe she is but does your friend have a past history of sexual abuse?

A pwBPD have rejection sensitivity and are hyper-sensitive with perceived or real rejection and over-react. It was an easy decision for you and it was difficult but it's also hard for your ex partner because she was rejected. A pwBPD anticipate that loved ones will reject and abandon them and will desperately attempt to avoid what they fear. The silent treatment is not a conscious effort to control loved ones, she's subconsciously pushing you away, it's not personal.

Yeah, she will feel rejected after we broke up, i know that she has abandonment issues all along. She wasnt sexually abused no, but she was physically abused. She never used to be so unphysical but it was building up for a while, and she has had the same problems with ex partners. But she said she is now asexual, so thats when I left. I dont really know how she could have expected me to stay in a relationship with her, as to me a non-sexual relationship is more of an intense friendship. I think she just wants someone for companionship and thats all.

[Mutt]

But she said she is now asexual, so thats when I left. I dont really know how she could have expected me to stay in a relationship with her, as to me a non-sexual relationship is more of an intense friendship. I think she just wants someone for companionship and thats all.

It sounds like platonic love and not romantic love. It sounds like you both want different things. Platonic love is when you love someone and you offer support. Maybe she wants more than companionship?

[thisworld]

I think these are still sexuality-centered descriptions of love and romance and do not necessarily apply to asexual relationships. Two asexual partners may have an asexual romantic relationship which, to them, is neither platonic nor just a strong friendship. If we are sexual that is how we interpret that though. It doesn't work for sexual individuals and is very understandable but an emotional and also bodily experience outside our framework is possible between two asexual individuals.