Introducing myself

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello,

I am brand new to this group.  My son, who has found it [you] to be a fine resource to him, suggested that I might wish to join too, so here I am.

My then 33 year old son re-met an old girlfriend just over two years ago and they got married two months later.  When they re-met, it was very exciting and romantic; they lived in different cities and their two-month romance was a long distance one with many weekends together, but, sadly and even tragically, we soon found out that not taking the time to truly get to know each other was a terrible mistake.  I'm not here to blame either one of them, but we soon discovered that his wife, my daughter in law, has a Borderline Personality Disorder, is not remotely interested in recognizing it or accepting any kind of treatment.  She became pregnant immediately [it is my view that she wanted a baby, but wanted a 'sperm bank' that really was a bank and kept on paying, rather than a traditional sperm bank. ] I'm not an unkind person; I also think she loved my son or thought she loved him... .he was the one she thought of over the years [they had boyfriend and girlfriend when they were 15 - 16 years old.

It has been a long, horrific story since then.  False abuse charges; my son spending one night in jail, incredible lies, financial demands... .on and on.  The baby was born 16 months ago with significant medical anomalies and some severe problems; he remains medically challenged.  My daughter in law filed for divorce some 7-8 months ago; after various delays [including her first lawyer choosing not to represent her after some months of one lie after another], there is a custody hearing next Tuesday.  Because I have had direct interaction with my daughter in law, I will be a witness. 

The baby is not able, at this time, to leave the state and hospital where he is being treated for his various medical conditions, so my son has literally moved more than 2000 miles, to another country, in order to establish a residence where the baby is.  My son lives and works in another country and is hoping the judge will find that joint custody, one month at a time, is in order.  My son would live where the child is currently receiving medical care one month at a time and will try to run his business long-distance; the following month, he would return to his 'home' to work intensively.  I say 'home' in quotes, because he has given up his apartment, not being able to afford two residences and is currently living in his plant.  I should comment that if my son was awarded joint custody, he would absolutely invite and encourage the baby's mother to spend at least 1 - 2 hours with the baby a day for the first while, until the baby got used to being away from his mother.

As for me, I am overwhelmed.  Aside from being a devoted mother [3 adult sons], I am also a psychoanalytically trained clinical social worker.  I can see my daughter in law lurching from one situation to another, waiting to be rescued [which usually does happen in one way or the other].  My son, of course, was a major rescuer.  Now, however, my little grandson, who is living with her, is living the same way.  When she knew she had to find a new place to live [with 5 months notice], she did nothing about it and ended up, literally at the 11th hour, moving into a friend's vacant apartment with the baby. 

My son has been in the city where the baby lives for the past 6 days.  My daughter in law has made the baby 'available' to see his father, but she comes too... .for the entire time.  I know what she wants... .she told me when I visited with them when they had been married for a few weeks.  On that occasion, she told me I was a terrible mother... .didn't I know it was my son's 'job' to 'take care of' her?  What that meant was [she told me in no uncertain terms] that he should purchase a large, modern home in a very fancy neighbourhood in one of the most expensive cities in North America for her and should take care of her, meaning that she would not work nor should she be expected to contribute to the family income.  She also means that he should do whatever it is that she wants... .ie; give up all his friends, have little or no contact with his family, and on and on.   I am not exaggerating.   Now that my son is in the same city [this has been the case on many occasions; the difference now is that he has actually rented an apartment; previously he was just visiting and staying at air bnb's].  Her permitting my son to visit with the child is not about either of them; it is all about her.  SHE wants to spend time with my son, the husband who she is divorcing.  When I commented on this to my son on the phone the other day, he said, 'that's what happens with BPD... .even though she started the divorce, she doesn't really want it.'

I wonder if my daughter in law knows what is going to happen on Tuesday.  My son's lawyer is going to present damning evidence; my son will testify as will I [the last time I visited, my daughter in law ordered me out of her house on a whim, stating that I was 'toxic' ].  On other occasions, she accused me of physically and sexually abusing my own three children when they were infants.  This is all massive projection.  I 'worry' that my daughter in law will be devastated by what will be presented in court.  I do not believe that either of her parents will be there; both I and my former husband [my son's father] and his wife will be present, to support our son and to show that we are steadfastly behind him.  I feel for my daughter in law; I recognize that she is a mentally ill person; I recognize that she has very limited control over her own actions; I recognize that she was likely sexually abused as a child [so she has informed my son].  I am not interested in hurting or destroying her; I am not vindictive.  I want my little grandson to have a stable, loving, consistent home.  He deserves to have his father in his life on a regular and ongoing basis.  I, too, want to have a loving relationship with my grandson.  I want to be a loving resource in his life.  I had wonderful grandparents myself and I long to care for my grandchild as my grandparents loved and cared for me.

On top of all this, I'm terrified that the judge will not see through the lies my daughter in law will tell.  Her latest story is that she had to leave [the city and country and the marriage] because she was afraid for her life.   She is asking for sole custody with no visitation and half of my son's business.  They actually lived together for less than 40 days.  Once she had him charged with abuse [he literally held her arms away from him after she started scratching and head-butting him--he was the one with bruises and fortunately, he had the presence of mind to go to the doctor and has photos of his bruises], he, on his lawyer's advice, was not alone with her, fearing more charges.  I recognize that she was in a new city and now alone [because he could not be alone with her], pregnant and undoubtedly frightened and isolated.  I do feel sorry for her.  But not sorry enough that I can just sit and watch her destroy two other lives.  She is a physically beautiful woman and extremely manipulative.  Will the judge see through her lies?  My son has begged her for counselling, for each of them to have a psychological assessment... .I'm afraid even if the judge orders an assessment, it may take months for that... .what will happen to my grandson [and my son] in the meantime?

This introductory post is much longer than I intended, but so be it.  If any of 'you', especially parents / grandparents who have gone through what I'm going through, I would appreciate any help you may give me.  I believe in support groups... .they are often a lifeline.  Thank you all for 'listening'. 

Bonnie Girl

[Bonnie Girl]

Hello,

I am brand new to this group.  My son, who has found it [you] to be a fine resource to him, suggested that I might wish to join too, so here I am.

My then 33 year old son re-met an old girlfriend just over two years ago and they got married two months later.  When they re-met, it was very exciting and romantic; they lived in different cities and their two-month romance was a long distance one with many weekends together, but, sadly and even tragically, we soon found out that not taking the time to truly get to know each other was a terrible mistake.  I'm not here to blame either one of them, but we soon discovered that his wife, my daughter in law, has a Borderline Personality Disorder, is not remotely interested in recognizing it or accepting any kind of treatment.  She became pregnant immediately [it is my view that she wanted a baby, but wanted a 'sperm bank' that really was a bank and kept on paying, rather than a traditional sperm bank. ] I'm not an unkind person; I also think she loved my son or thought she loved him... .he was the one she thought of over the years [they had boyfriend and girlfriend when they were 15 - 16 years old.

It has been a long, horrific story since then.  False abuse charges; my son spending one night in jail, incredible lies, financial demands... .on and on.  The baby was born 16 months ago with significant medical anomalies and some severe problems; he remains medically challenged.  My daughter in law filed for divorce some 7-8 months ago; after various delays [including her first lawyer choosing not to represent her after some months of one lie after another], there is a custody hearing next Tuesday.  Because I have had direct interaction with my daughter in law, I will be a witness. 

The baby is not able, at this time, to leave the state and hospital where he is being treated for his various medical conditions, so my son has literally moved more than 2000 miles, to another country, in order to establish a residence where the baby is.  My son lives and works in another country and is hoping the judge will find that joint custody, one month at a time, is in order.  My son would live where the child is currently receiving medical care one month at a time and will try to run his business long-distance; the following month, he would return to his 'home' to work intensively.  I say 'home' in quotes, because he has given up his apartment, not being able to afford two residences and is currently living in his plant.  I should comment that if my son was awarded joint custody, he would absolutely invite and encourage the baby's mother to spend at least 1 - 2 hours with the baby a day for the first while, until the baby got used to being away from his mother.

As for me, I am overwhelmed.  Aside from being a devoted mother [3 adult sons], I am also a psychoanalytically trained clinical social worker.  I can see my daughter in law lurching from one situation to another, waiting to be rescued [which usually does happen in one way or the other].  My son, of course, was a major rescuer.  Now, however, my little grandson, who is living with her, is living the same way.  When she knew she had to find a new place to live [with 5 months notice], she did nothing about it and ended up, literally at the 11th hour, moving into a friend's vacant apartment with the baby. 

My son has been in the city where the baby lives for the past 6 days.  My daughter in law has made the baby 'available' to see his father, but she comes too... .for the entire time.  I know what she wants... .she told me when I visited with them when they had been married for a few weeks.  On that occasion, she told me I was a terrible mother... .didn't I know it was my son's 'job' to 'take care of' her?  What that meant was [she told me in no uncertain terms] that he should purchase a large, modern home in a very fancy neighbourhood in one of the most expensive cities in North America for her and should take care of her, meaning that she would not work nor should she be expected to contribute to the family income.  She also means that he should do whatever it is that she wants... .ie; give up all his friends, have little or no contact with his family, and on and on.   I am not exaggerating.   Now that my son is in the same city [this has been the case on many occasions; the difference now is that he has actually rented an apartment; previously he was just visiting and staying at air bnb's].  Her permitting my son to visit with the child is not about either of them; it is all about her.  SHE wants to spend time with my son, the husband who she is divorcing.  When I commented on this to my son on the phone the other day, he said, 'that's what happens with BPD... .even though she started the divorce, she doesn't really want it.'

I wonder if my daughter in law knows what is going to happen on Tuesday.  My son's lawyer is going to present damning evidence; my son will testify as will I [the last time I visited, my daughter in law ordered me out of her house on a whim, stating that I was 'toxic' ].  On other occasions, she accused me of physically and sexually abusing my own three children when they were infants.  This is all massive projection.  I 'worry' that my daughter in law will be devastated by what will be presented in court.  I do not believe that either of her parents will be there; both I and my former husband [my son's father] and his wife will be present, to support our son and to show that we are steadfastly behind him.  I feel for my daughter in law; I recognize that she is a mentally ill person; I recognize that she has very limited control over her own actions; I recognize that she was likely sexually abused as a child [so she has informed my son].  I am not interested in hurting or destroying her; I am not vindictive.  I want my little grandson to have a stable, loving, consistent home.  He deserves to have his father in his life on a regular and ongoing basis.  I, too, want to have a loving relationship with my grandson.  I want to be a loving resource in his life.  I had wonderful grandparents myself and I long to care for my grandchild as my grandparents loved and cared for me.

On top of all this, I'm terrified that the judge will not see through the lies my daughter in law will tell.  Her latest story is that she had to leave [the city and country and the marriage] because she was afraid for her life.   She is asking for sole custody with no visitation and half of my son's business.  They actually lived together for less than 40 days.  Once she had him charged with abuse [he literally held her arms away from him after she started scratching and head-butting him--he was the one with bruises and fortunately, he had the presence of mind to go to the doctor and has photos of his bruises], he, on his lawyer's advice, was not alone with her, fearing more charges.  I recognize that she was in a new city and now alone [because he could not be alone with her], pregnant and undoubtedly frightened and isolated.  I do feel sorry for her.  But not sorry enough that I can just sit and watch her destroy two other lives.  She is a physically beautiful woman and extremely manipulative.  Will the judge see through her lies?  My son has begged her for counselling, for each of them to have a psychological assessment... .I'm afraid even if the judge orders an assessment, it may take months for that... .what will happen to my grandson [and my son] in the meantime?

This introductory post is much longer than I intended, but so be it.  If any of 'you', especially parents / grandparents who have gone through what I'm going through, I would appreciate any help you may give me.  I believe in support groups... .they are often a lifeline.  Thank you all for 'listening'. 

Bonnie Girl

[Turkish]

Hello Bonnie Girl,



I'm glad your son has found this site helpful.

Despite all of the stress and trauma that your daughter-in-law put onto the rest of you, I sense that you care about her still in some capacity. Court is where it comes down to looking our for your own best interests, however. That would be your son's and your grandson. Given your background, you probably know this, but it's probably different living it as opposed to watching it as an outsider.

She's asking for sole custody. What is your son and your son's lawyer going for? Have you or your son seen the legal board? You (or he) might want to post questions specific to the case there.

Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody

Here is a link to the Lessons:

Lessons for members dealing with Family Court

You want to support your son. You're worried about him and also the baby (and she's pregnant again?). Your DIL sounds very Queen-like, and while some of the communication tools here (once the legal issues are past) can help reduce conflict, her world-view isn't likely to change overall . It's unfortunate that such personalities tend to develop with some neglected children.

Turkish

[Bonnie Girl]

Thank you for your response, Turkish.

Thankfully, my daughter in law is NOT pregnant again. [My son has not had sexual relations with her for well over a year].   My son is asking for JOINT custody [truly, he would like sole custody, but lawyer advises starting with joint at this time... .also, because grandson has medical issues, most likely court would not permit him to leave the jurisdiction [and excellent hospital] while still needing very advanced medical care. 

I have not seen the legal board, but will certainly review.  Thank you.  My son is far more familiar with the site and has likely seen it and used it too.

I forgot to say in my description of my professional self, I ran an adoption agency for more than 20 years and am considered an expert in Child Welfare.  I have been an expert witness many, many times, but you are so right... .it is very different when it is about your own child, grandchild and family.

Yes, I do care about my d-i-l, but I also know that I cannot allow [and won't] my sadness and even concern for her to get in the way.  She has done everything she can to destroy my son [the idea that he was in jail even for only one night is so far beyond the pale or anything any of us in our family have ever experienced] and is now on her way to having an extremely unhealthy and destructive effect on my grandson.  I know what iI have to do... .and I am doing it... .supporting my child and his child with all that I can bring.  Thanks for writing.