Feel like I have to walk away from my whole family to get away from my sister.

[Anaias]

We are a geographically close family which makes it very difficult to distance myself from my sister.  Very typical story of countless attacks, many out of the blue, over the years.  Incredible ability to distort information or just flat out lie to make it fit her own warped perceptions, often accusing me of the most awful spiteful motives and bad-mouthing me to others in the family. 

For the past 8 years she has been pretty unwell, with hospitalizations, rehab, multiple therapists (she just lies so i believe has never benefitted from therapy), conflict with everyone she knows (just 4 of us - her long suffering husband, mother, sister and me is all she's got).  She has 3 kids also.  Last year she was heavily tranquillized which actually was a respite as she was so even keeled - although flat and zombie like.  She came off the heavy meds this year and has been slowly deteriorating, outrageous spending behaviour, and a truly hideous unexpected attack on me several months ago that took weeks to recover from.  In the past I have always had hope - the rehab, the new medication, the AA, the new counselling.  I have run out of hope.  She was so laissez faire after the earlier attack this year, actually said to my sister, "She'll get over it!".  This is a person who turned up drunk to my preschoolers birthday party and created a scene; has driven my children while drunk twice; who has punched  my mother in the face; has threatened suicide in front of her children.  But feels she can gave me character correction if I say a word out of place.

I decided to slowly back away (I can hear you all groaning).  I tried to be so careful so she wouldn't get triggered, (and to be fair, still invited her camping, attending kids birthday parties etc - just not seeking her out for phone calls) but she was suspicious and asking everyone about it.   Last week  my other sister stupidly said, 'Well you're relationship has not been in a good place for years!" 

All hell has broken loose, she went on a rampage, calling me and abusing me so often I had to disconnect my phone, crying to my mother, telling her husband and children I have 'written her off', writing awful e-mails, 'crying all night'; my mother is angry with me because she feels I could just invite her over and sort it out (uh, would rather cut off my finger than do a round with her), her husband is pissed off (we used to be close but another friendship bites the dust), her children think I am being mean to her... .and of course, Christmas is around the corner.  Every single year, aside from rehab and tranquillized year, she has started a fight with me before Christmas and I have to front up feeling physically ill with my heart pounding.

I'm feeling so done.  But how to disentangle myself?  She is always at my mothers house (they live practically next door, and my other sister is getting on quite well with her and is also a peace keeper. If she catches wind of anything or we bump into each other this provides oxygen for her aggressive attacks. My mother casually to her mentioned my cat has been to the vet (for tests) - she used to be a vet before she was caught stealing and using drugs on site.  She interpreted that I had gone to a vet as a vindictive statement about her uselessness, even though when I asked, she herself said he would need blood tests, which she can't do.   

I feel the only option is to move out of town,  but my kids go to the only full Montessori in the country and I'm loathe to let her ruin that for them.  My other option is to withdraw from the whole family - which would obviously be difficult and upsetting when we live in the same suburb.   It feels difficult to announce, I want no contact with x, don't mention me to her or her to me... .what about kids parties, my mother's elderly, when she gets sick, blah blah?  It also plays into her narrative that I am difficult and vindictive, I am the problem. 

Do I have to leave my whole family to get away from her?  Is it possible to have a formal, distant workable relationship with a BPD you have once been close to (I feel like she won't allow that).  Feeling so trapped, and hating her.  She is BY FAR, the worst thing in my life. 

I have just written my dilemma and NEED to stop the attacks to my mother - no response from her yet. 

[Kwamina]

Hi Anaias

You are dealing with a lot here. Your sister's behavior unfortunately seems quite problematic indeed. I am sorry you are in this situation and that it has taken such a toll on you.

Many aspects of your sister's behavior sound very disturbing. No matter how you move forward with her or the rest of your family, setting and enforcing/defending firm boundaries will be very important to protect yourself. Do you generally feel comfortable setting and enforcing/boundaries with people? Perhaps you'll find the following article helpful:

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

Your sister's behavior is quite abusive and I can understand why this would affect you so. Dealing with abuse is very unpleasant and the fact that it's your own sister doing it, only adds another layer of hurt. There are certain communication techniques on this site that can help you assert yourself, to your sister and also to the rest of your family. We also have resources here that can help you deal with hostile communications. I've selected these two resources/techniques for you:

Assert yourself: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. --> Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident, Negotiate

Responding to hostile communications: B.I.F.F. (Brief, Informative, Friendly (as in civil), Firm)

Are you familiar with the D.E.A.R.M.A.N. and B.I.F.F. techniques?

This isn't easy what you are dealing with, that's why I'm glad you have reached out for support and advice here. Take care and welcome to bpdfamily

[Anaias]

Ok So my mother read the letter (about needing to distance myself from BPD sister) and some hours later responded to say that she would speak to me tomorrow.  I let three days pass and then just now asked my mother, did you read my letter? which included feeling burnt out and hopeless about my BPD sister, feeling worthless and unlovable at times myself, and expressing anxiety about going Xmas Day given that my sister has been telling everyone how I've 'written her off'.

My mother responded with an angry diatribe about how hard her life is, she's too busy for this she has Christmas cakes to ice, she has had so much hardship in her life.  I said I feel anxious about Christmas Day and need reassurance I'm welcome and she started shouted of course you bloody are!  I shouldn't need to say that!

I am shaking and feel like vomiting.  (My mother isn't even BPD - just very rejecting of me while has untold patience and unconditional love for my bat___ crazy sister).  I guess I will have to pass on the Christmas Day thing.  This will cause a big problem and is like dropping a bomb, but I'm thinking I just have to look after myself.  Why should i make such an emotional effort when no-one else is. 

Someones else mentioned feeling worthless because of a dysfunctional family, and it is so true.  I need to get some therapy! 

[Andrea_]

I can relate to so much of what you are saying. My sister also has BPD and I chose to have no contact with her over nine months ago. It got to a point where I didn't care how she twisted that decision to not speak to her or whether she wants to bad mouth me to family or feel like I'm evil for cutting her off. When I finally realized once and for all that when it comes to her, I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't, it became easy for me to practice self-care and end contact. This is what I need right now, and this is what I can handle.

Has it been easy? Hell no. But it's easier than what I was doing before. I still have been facing struggles with her and my family and the holidays definitely have brought things up to the forefront. It's been very stressful and emotional the last few weeks. Last night, for the first time ever, I had the same thought that you have shared here... .that maybe the only way I can escape my sister for good is to walk away from my ENTIRE family. Because even though I've had no contact with her, it still blows my mind how she can find ways to mess with me through our shared family members.

Ultimately, I'm not willing to give up my good and healthy family relationships due to my sister's BPD. I wish so bad that I could just cut her off and never hear from her again, as if we had no relation and I could be done with her for good. It's really upsetting to understand that it's not that easy because she is family. Even though I have decided that family or not, I do not deserve to accept an unhealthy and abusive relationship with her, she will still be a factor and a struggle, just in different ways than before. I've got to learn to work with that.

I feel for you.

[Anaias]

Thank-you so much for your response, Andrea.  The problem is that I can't just withdraw from her, is is all tied up with family dynamics.   My my other sister is wading in telling me I am causing splits in the family and why should other people constantly mediate? And how could I be so mean as to not attend Xmas?   She says I am being avoidant, just like my BPD sister (is the avoidance pathological if it is toxicity that is being avoided?)  and is judging my decision to try and back off. 

One issue that I'm sure affects many of the people on this forum is that BPD doesn't fall from the clear blue sky - many of us have experienced the same negative or invalidating childhoods that have given rise to our relatives' disorders, but managed to escape without developing BPD... .and so we ourselves can find it hard to be 100% robust, confident and respond healthily all of the time.  Currently the whole family is flaring up, I am begging for space from my (non BPD) sister and mother because the rejection and accusations are flying - I can't regain my equilibrium and it is making me doubt everything - the feeling that, if I am fighting with everyone, maybe I am the problem?  But I think it is me trying to protect myself and get some distance, and my other, also not 100% emotionally healthy family members are reacting to this and saying  it is my problem, I am being avoidant and causing conflict.  Seriously, would love to relocate to a different country just to get some space! 

Adding to the mix is my nonBPD sister is incredibly needy and enmeshed with my mother, and is constantly demanding her help and emotional support and practical assistance. She is a huge taker in the family, and has no time or empathy for others.  This is the same sister who thinks I have no right to expect anything from my mother in response to my current enormous distress.      My mother is for some reason utterly unable to meet my emotional needs, which is why I hardly ever ask her (always am disappointed) and as an adult had to learn (through therapy)  how to reach out to others, as I had learnt that this was not safe to do.   I remember her shaking me as a teenager and screaming into my face, "You just think you're unlovable!"  If she thought that was the case, is that the way to reassure a child? 

Anyway, interesting to me, when I reach out to her with a letter, and that is totally unsuccessful in getting any comfort, I am starting to see more clearly why there are so many issues in the family.  i mean, she is invalidating my feelings, threatening abandonment, and getting angry when I tell her I need her love. She also said, in so many words, "I'm too busy for you... .your (nonBP) sister needs me right now."

Ugghh.  This all feels so hideous.  Could hardly sleep last night again now and typing this on Christmas Day.  Worst Christmas ever.  Feel so angry and preoccupied, which feels so unhealthy.   Does anyone else have the experience of feeling that they are getting sucked into the madness, to the point where they are starting to feel unhinged themselves? 

[Kwamina]

Hi Anaias

You are dealing with a lot here, a lot of difficult thoughts and intense emotions.

How are things now? How did you get through Christmas Day?

Being screamed at by one's own mother is very unpleasant indeed.

For our own well-being it might sometimes be necessary to distance ourselves to a certain extent from difficult family-members. The extent to which you distance yourself can vary from situation to situation and from person to person and any distancing doesn't necessarily have to last forever. Protecting yourself and preserving your well-being is something to always be mindful of and setting and enforcing/defending firm boundaries can help with that. To help you assert yourself, I think the communication techniques I mentioned in my first post can be helpful.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Analas,

I'm sorry that this turned out to be a difficult Christmas for you. Holidays can sometimes be very emotionally charged. 

The tools that Kwamina posted do work. When you feel like you're being attacked, it can be very helpful to have a way to keep your cool. Being on the receiving end of a rant like the one you just experienced is painful, and I understand why you'd want some distance.

How are you doing today? Aside from moving (which could be a long-term strategy), now that you've had a day or two to think it over, what do you think you can do to take care of yourself in the meantime?