When and why would an exBPD wants to go back and be with you ?

[guy4caligirl]

In my Humble  opinion , some BPD exes would contact after a long period of time , I am not saying 5 or ten years latter but within the year and a half to two per say .

Why and when would they ?

What's your answer to that , and let's take in consideration, that none do that also ?

What makes that the BPD reconciliation is much greater ?

And of course for those who wish they do ... .

[KateCat]

I think that yes, if you give your friend money to come and go as she pleases at this time, then she is likely to give you the same opportunity to do that five years from now and then again ten years from now. (Unless she is quite young and matures on her own in that time period, or unless something gives her the determination to work to change herself.)

[Reforming]

I think problems or the failure of their new relationship is probably the biggest reason they get back in contact.

I also think many relationships with disordered don't have normal closure. They can end suddenly and abruptly leaving lots of questions. These unresolved issues can leave the door open for a recycle.

Emotional immaturity. I think people suffering from PDs struggle to process the end of a relationship in a healthy way. They may seem to move on very quickly, but at some deep level they haven't really processed or accepted the end of the relationship

Reforming

[guy4caligirl]

I think problems or the failure of their new relationship is probably the biggest reason they get back in contact.

I also think many relationships with disordered don't have normal closure. They can end suddenly and abruptly leaving lots of questions. These unresolved issues can leave the door open for a recycle.

Emotional immaturity. I think people suffering from PDs struggle to process the end of a relationship in a healthy way. They may seem to move on very quickly, but at some deep level they haven't really processed or accepted the end of the relationship

Reforming

Reforming nicely put !

[thisworld]

My ex can't let go of relationships that caused him anguish. He simply cannot process and move on I think. He knows people have built new lives, have had children etc, he doesn't want to be with them and builds new relationships himself (though nobody knows what's going on in his fantasy world in his mind), he says very denigrating things about them but he still can't let go. He will contact them. I think he cannot stand the idea of losing some control somehow and uses reminiscence as a manipulative technique. 

[SummerStorm]

When my former friend BPD realizes that I'm not actually bad, she comes back. 

Each relationship is going to be different.  She and I have never had any arguments in person, only through texts.  I don't stoop to her level and don't call her names.  When she says she is done, I don't pursue.  I leave a few crumbs along the way, for her to find her way back, as she usually paints herself black and then isn't sure if I'll talk to her again, but I go on with my life.   

Yesterday, she came back again.  This time, it was clear that she blamed me for what happened the last time, and I actually do take full responsibility because I overreacted to a situation.  Was her decision to ignore me for three weeks an appropriate response?  No, of course not.  But she is disordered, and it would be unreasonable of me to expect her to react the way a Non would.

She is done with me in a romantic sense.  That being said, she doesn't seem to like the fact that I'm on Tinder. 

At the end of the day, taking on any type of relationship with a pwBPD requires a lot of patience and a lot of radical acceptance.  Knowing and recognizing the pwBPD's triggers can help stop a lot of problems before they start.  And most importantly, we have to know when it's time to just step back and let things happen.  Mine has a crappy job, lives in a crappy apartment, and can barely pay her bills.  And none of that is my problem to deal with.

[FannyB]

My ex re-connected with me after the death of a family member. I then went from being the cause of her emotional instability to the potential solution to it. 

Bottom line is, if they think you will help their emotional survival then you're miraculously back in vogue.


Fanny

[guy4caligirl]

My ex re-connected with me after the death of a family member. I then went from being the cause of her emotional instability to the potential solution to it. 

Bottom line is, if they think you will help their emotional survival then you're miraculously back in vogue.


Fanny

Agree with you hundred percent , and it does happen ! For those who wonder .

[SummerStorm]

My ex re-connected with me after the death of a family member. I then went from being the cause of her emotional instability to the potential solution to it. 

Bottom line is, if they think you will help their emotional survival then you're miraculously back in vogue.

Fanny

This sounds about right.

First Discard: Told me she didn't want me in her life and would rather spend time with the guy she chose over me

First Re-connection: Day after she broke up with the guy she chose over me and needed a place to live

Second Discard: Day after she ate dinner with a new guy, whom she called her "bae"

Second Re-connection: Day she broke up with the guy who came after the guy she called her "bae"

Third Discard: Day she spent with her stepsister (she's very close to her, almost in a creepy way)

Third Re-connection: Christmas, the first one in years she hasn't spent with her parents

Fourth Discard (?): Day after Christmas, though I can't officially call this a discard.  I'm not painted black anymore, but she really has no need for me right now.  She's not on Tinder anymore, so I'm assuming she has a new boyfriend or girlfriend and is ignoring everyone else. 

[Concerns]

In my Humble  opinion , some BPD exes would contact after a long period of time , I am not saying 5 or ten years latter but within the year and a half to two per say .

Why and when would they ?

For mine, her wounds from the past have locked her there. She has not worked on healing her wounds so she lives in the past. Often if we argue, she will bring up something that happened five years ago. She has held onto it and doesn't have/nor is willing to adopt the tools to reconcile the past. Why? The wounds have formed her personality. She presently lives in the past. So the present is reflective of the past and as she relives that, it manifests in the present. My BPDw contacted her ex-husband after five years. She never really healed from their demise. She was primarily responsible for the loss(he was no saint) but she effectively destroyed their relationship. She never really processed what happened. She just moved on.    

What makes that the BPD reconciliation is much greater ?

I wouldn't call it a reconciliation necessarily. For mine, I consider it an offset recycle. It's almost as if its the start of a new relationship with connections to the past. How is that different from non's? It's different because they don't process the relationship normally so it has strings attached.

And of course for those who wish they do ... .

I think some non's reconcile the past and move on. I think other's, I would include myself in this group, remember the lack of closure, have co-dependency issues, and despite the timeframe want some kind of closure. They, in a sense, hold onto the past as well because they were stripped of the opportunity to process the end of the relationship properly. So it remains there. Without help or therapy, they suffer from what alot of non's do and that is they develop traits of the pwBPD they are involved with. Maybe some of those traits resurface when the pwBPD reaches out again.

[Skip]

Why do we return?  Do we have more noble reasons?

• We are in love with them? 

• This relationship feels safe? 

• Are we afraid to be alone? 

• We have abandonment issues? 

• Are we fearful that we cannot find someone as good as them again (a hard one to admit, but I’ve read it many times)? 

• Are we fearful of the next step (dating, financial issues, etc.)