I realize I have a trauma bond and was addicted

[Freeatlast_1]

I was dating my ex for 3 years and on/off for the last 1 year. Broke it off about 20 times, I begged and pleaded to get her back and did every time, but the abuse got worse every time. I used to tell her I feel so traumatized by her. I didn't even know what that meant really, until recently. She progressively used me more, has become more self absorbed, and more disrespectful as time passed. Mind you, I was idealized for a whole year, she would wait in her car overnight until my call was over (Im a doc), she would bring me food and wait in the lobby... etc... insane things just to nail me down and she did. So as the trauma progressed, I felt closer to her, because the little intimate times we had, I felt alive. Now looking back, I had lost my true self to the abuse. Now we have been LC for a few months, I've been allowing her to borrow $, and of course never grateful for it. She would put up an act until I transferred her money then would bounce into a mean monster mode. I did that about 3 times before I realized I had to stop. Not only did I realize that but suddenly I felt I'm free of the 'trauma bond". Now I kinda don't care who she's with, I was insanely jealous before. Now I actually feel bad for who's next. WOW she is so ill that when I asked for my $ back, she called me a thief. And when I gave her what she needed, she said "I'm dying of laughter I didn't think you'd do it", I said "you needed it, so I'm there for you" then she would call me "evil". Now I can see how much of a psycho she is, maybe BPD/psychopath... .Anyway, I remember the time I was madly addicted to this human, I knew it was wrong, I knew she wasn't the one, I knew the relationship was going to end, yet I stayed and I could not explain it. I stayed and waited and waited for the "intimacy" which wasn't so intimate because after we did it I would just turn away and go to sleep. Could it be I also had a sex addiction? this is so complex. Anyhow, I feel so much better now. My advice is, reflect on their actions, and stay NC or LC. Notice how selfish they are and how much they don't care about you. Mine swears until this day that I was the love of her life... .I still think she doesn't know what love is though. I feel that she is pure evil... .and it's sad that I didn't see that because she hid it so well.

[C.Stein]

Notice how selfish they are and how much they don't care about you. Mine swears until this day that I was the love of her life... .I still think she doesn't know what love is though.

Mine has hardly even acknowledged we had a relationship let alone there being any love.  I believe "love" for her was proportional to how I made her feel.  The more I built her up, made her feel good about herself, filled that void inside, the more she loved me.   The less I did it the less she loved me and eventually went looking for someone else to provide those things for her when I wasn't meeting her supply requirements.  Of course she doesn't understand only she can provide those things that she seeks from others.  I tried to encourage her to do this and she did make huge progress, but the core problem still remained.  So the cycle continues ... .until she destroys another man and moves onto the next one.  She has lived her whole life in denial and will live the rest of it the same way as long as she continues to look to others to provide the things she needs to provide for herself.