Ready to initiate divorce - need to think through all my next steps

[flourdust]

[Cross-posting as suggested from Undecided board.]

Married 12 years to dBPDw. Her behaviors began deteriorating six years ago as life stresses mounted, and then got markedly worse after a brain injury three years ago. Most of her behaviors (blame, rages, push/pull, dysregulation, cognitive distortions) are directed at me, with some overspill toward our D10.

She was diagnosed earlier this year and has been in DBT for nine months with no improvement to our home life. She sees a psychiatrist and individual therapist and is on multiple medications. We also see a marriage counselor.

I gave myself a deadline of early January to see if there would be improvement or if I would get a divorce. I have tried boundaries, validation, SET, and other tools/techniques recommended here. I've read Stop Walking on Eggshells, Stop Caretaking the Borderline, Splitting, and more. Boundaries work, in the sense that I can limit my exposure to raging and verbal abuse by leaving the situation, but they haven't reduced the frequency of her behaviors. Validation, SET, and the like have had no effect at all.

Just over the past three days, I logged 9 conflicts (initiated by her) that resulted in dysregulation, not counting aggressive texts and emails. There were also 13 emotional conflicts with D10, 5 suicide threats, and 2 threats to move out. I have had to enforce a boundary by leaving twice and twice had to remove D10 from an unsafe situation.

This is not salvageable. It is time to get myself and my daughter out of this situation. I am re-reading Splitting, and my T also gave me some referrals for attorneys. What else should I be thinking about and doing? My hope is to be able to get things in order quickly so that I can ask for a divorce within the next few weeks.

[ForeverDad]

Read some of the posts here in Family law board.  This sort of question is asked frequently.

Understand that it is almost predictable that your spouse will feel at a disadvantage going into a separation /divorce.  The reaction is often, "I have to make the other parent look worse than me!"  So, depending on her level of conflict, expect and prepare for ugly allegations.  Be very careful not to say or do anything that could even in the least bit be considered aggressive, angry or 'actionable' by agencies or the court.

Remember, if it is has been contemplated, threatened or already happened, then it will happen (again) given enough time.

In your case it is very good that she has had professionals and experts involved.  (So many who arrive here don't have that history to utilize to their advantage.)  Their observations, either to the court or to a Guardian ad Litem (GAL) or custody evaluator (CE) will be so very helpful.

Remember too, this is not Parent vs Parent, nasty evil parent vs targeted victim parent, though she will probably see it that way.  This is what is best for all, especially your daughter.  Keep that refrain foremost.

Though technically the laws are claimed to be gender neutral, the reality is different, mothers are given many breaks, patience and considerations that fathers don't get.  So beware of feeling you have to be overly fair and overly nice.  Court will already be overly fair and overly nice to virtually anyone of the female gender.  (One program a few years back described Massachusetts family courts as "the one who wears a skirt always wins."  Your focus needs to be on protecting yourself, your daughter and your futures.  Only if there is anything left over then you can think about your ex-spouse.  Sorry, all too often that's the only way to handle high conflict cases.

If there are any incidents where you have to flee, take your daughter with you if at all possible, willingly leaving her behind could be interpreted as you viewing your daughter being safe with her mother.  Yes, courts often split parents into two, a bad adult and an okay parent.  Doesn't make common sense to view bad adult behaviors as not impacting parenting behaviors but that's a perspective we face.

[Panda39]

Hi flourdust,

I wanted to add one small thing to keep in the back of your mind.  Keep your anger in check things can get really aggrevating along the way and you will most likely have good reason to be angry but vent to a friend, a therapist, family member or better yet come here and post! (obviously don't vent to your daugher  ).  Keep the anger under wraps whenever dealing with a professional involved in your divorce or interacting with your stbxw during the divorce process.

I know it's common sense but in the heat of the moment we can sometimes forget. You want to be on the top of your game for the sake of your daughter.

Panda39

[livednlearned]

Can you let us know what you've already done to prepare for the split? That might help us see areas you can focus on so that you're in good shape when you file the papers.

How is D10 doing? The suicide threats must be very alarming for her.

I'm sorry to not remember the details -- have you already talked to a lawyer?

[david]

Documenting everything you can. Writing a journal and make sure it is safe. Recording rages,etc would be helpful in a custody eval.

[whirlpoollife]

On this board, check out "azmama" topic, "Trying to learn how to cope going thru process... ."

"Ugghh" has a reply with a list of need to do to as one starts the process of divorce.

[flourdust]

Read some of the posts here in Family law board.  This sort of question is asked frequently.

Thanks for that. I will. Really appreciate your thoughts, especially:

Your focus needs to be on protecting yourself, your daughter and your futures.  Only if there is anything left over then you can think about your ex-spouse.  Sorry, all too often that's the only way to handle high conflict cases.

If there are any incidents where you have to flee, take your daughter with you if at all possible, willingly leaving her behind could be interpreted as you viewing your daughter being safe with her mother.  Yes, courts often split parents into two, a bad adult and an okay parent.  Doesn't make common sense to view bad adult behaviors as not impacting parenting behaviors but that's a perspective we face.

I wanted to add one small thing to keep in the back of your mind.  Keep your anger in check things can get really aggrevating along the way and you will most likely have good reason to be angry but vent to a friend, a therapist, family member or better yet come here and post! (obviously don't vent to your daugher  ).  Keep the anger under wraps whenever dealing with a professional involved in your divorce or interacting with your stbxw during the divorce process.

Fortunately, this is something I'm already really good at, and I've gotten lots of extra practice at "trying not to be angry" when dealing with my BPDw. Seriously, though, I'm a pretty level-headed guy. I don't even feel much anger toward her any more -- mostly just exhaustion at her antics, and even that's replacing the frustration that replaced the anger... .

Can you let us know what you've already done to prepare for the split? That might help us see areas you can focus on so that you're in good shape when you file the papers.

Not much, I don't think. Talked about it with therapists, friends, and family. Gotten a few referrals that might lead to an attorney with experience with high-conflict divorces. Done a rough draft of an inventory of assets and debts. Kept a journal. Made copies of particularly bad emails and texts from my wife.

Right now, I'm thinking about how to drop the bomb, so to speak. Since her reactions can be so volatile and histrionic, I can't trust that she can take the news, react, calm down, and be able to work with me to have a way for us to constructively tell D10 together. So I'm working on a plan for how to do it -- when and where to tell her, where D10 will be, if someone will be there to drive my wife, if I can find someone to put her up for a few nights, how and when to tell D10, and so on. I expect I'll get some advice on this from my attorney. My therapist actually recommended that I tell D10 without my wife, because she might not ever be able to manage that conversation effectively. That feels unfair, but maybe it's good advice I'm just not ready to accept?

It's like a big board game in my head, where I'm trying to arrange all the pieces so at the end of the night, they haven't been swept onto the floor in rage.

How is D10 doing? The suicide threats must be very alarming for her.

D10 is stressed out by all the conflict at home. She feels like a pawn in the middle. Sometimes she aligns with one of us against the other, which I try to discourage. She's afraid of divorce. I think the suicide and abandonment threats don't faze her as much because they have happened so frequently now.

Documenting everything you can. Writing a journal and make sure it is safe. Recording rages,etc would be helpful in a custody eval.

Check! I've been doing that for several months now. At first, I did it just to keep track of all of them (because they tend to blur together and I want to forget them), and then as a bit of catharsis, and now as evidence.

On this board, check out "azmama" topic, "Trying to learn how to cope going thru process... ."

"Ugghh" has a reply with a list of need to do to as one starts the process of divorce.

I will look those up - thank you!

[GaGrl]

Before you discuss anything with your wife, gather originals (or copies) of all critical/important documents. Make sure you have access to all financial records. Get copies of her insurance statements indicating levels of therapy, inpatient care, etc. Take any sentimental or inherited or valuable items out of the house and store them where they will be safe.

[livednlearned]

These resources may also be helpful:

ARTICLE: Taking an Assertive Approach to High-conflict Family Law Matters and Personality Disorders

This article was written by lawyers for lawyers -- it was intended to guide lawyers who find themselves representing clients with high-conflict (soon to be ex) spouses, but it provides some really good points to help us find an assertive (as opposed to an aggressive or passive lawyer) attorney, and to get in step with our own assertive approach. This is a good article to print out and give to your lawyer to make sure you both understand what it means to take an assertive approach.

ARTICLE: A Theory of the Pattern of Blame

Since the cognitive distortions of those with personality disorders generally cause them to interpret events as all external, they desperately seek something or someone else to blame. It is a psychological process of diverting attention from one’s own unacceptable behavior onto the behavior of another. It appears to be a sincere, but misplaced, effort to change the cause of their distress and problems. Understanding the different types of persuasive processes during a legal conflict is important if you wish to protect yourself from false allegations.

and

Lesson 3: Anatomy of a Divorce Proceeding

I agree with your therapist to tell your D about the divorce separately. Your wife, in an attempt to process her feelings of abandonment, will likely externalize these feelings onto your daughter and this can show up as alienation. Your D10 is also going to need loads and loads of validation about what she's feeling, and she won't be able to express her feelings in a healthy way if her mom is trying to cope with her abandonment fears.

Remember, too, that kids have very different things they want from these conversations -- we tend to focus on things like "mom will always love you, dad will always love you" which is fine, but we tend to overlook other things that kids really care about. Years after my divorce, S14 said he was so confused about where he actually lived, where would kids come to play with him, at which house, how would he get home from school, would he have to carry his clothes back and forth from school, etc.

We go through this process ourselves (how much money will I have when this is over, where will I live, how will we handle exchanges, etc.) in our own way because the logistics are really important. Kids have their own sense of this as well.

I actually told my son about the divorce with the family specialist at school. I wanted him to know that I trusted this person, and that S14 (9 at the time) could trust this person too, and could come to her if he ever felt the need to take a break. She gave him a special card and told him he could use it at any time, he didn't even need to ask his teacher permission. He could just get up in class and walk out and come to her room, and put his head down and rest if that's all he felt like doing. Or he could talk to her.

That woman was like an angel from heaven, and S14 used his free pass a few times. And when the inevitable school outburst happened, she handled him so well and validated his feelings.

Plan well, and take as much time as you can. The planning can make a world of difference.

Some people will video record items in the home, freeze credit cards, get a separate PO Box, photocopy important documents, and take care of as many legal things as possible to get leverage in the event you need it (which is likely).

[Duck_Borders]

I'm a big fan of surveillance cameras.  That way if there's any type of altercation and she makes false allegations against you, you've got the recording to show the cops/court.  Also, I would try to get a copy of her official diagnosis if you don't already have it.

[Duck_Borders]

Get copies of her prescription records too.  Or at the very least get photo's of her pill bottles. 

[GaGrl]

I'm a big fan of surveillance cameras.  That way if there's any type of altercation and she makes false allegations against you, you've got the recording to show the cops/court.  Also, I would try to get a copy of her official diagnosis if you don't already have it.

The insurance Explanation of Benefits forms may have the diagnosis on them.

On another topic... .talk more to your therapist about the best way to talk to your daughter. Also, make sure you have arranged counseling for your daughter and are showing that you are responsible for getting her to the sessions.

[ForeverDad]

My therapist actually recommended that I tell D10 without my wife, because she might not ever be able to manage that conversation effectively.

Actually, this is wise.  Others here have reported that advice, I believe Matt was one of them.  You could explain things to your daughter in a balanced and thoughtful way, your spouse would likely do so while distorting the facts, blaming and blame shifting.

That feels unfair, but maybe it's good advice I'm just not ready to accept?

I often comment how our sense of fairness and being overly fair — under other circumstances they would be seen as very good qualities — can sabotage us.

Beware, don't confuse "reasonable" with "fair".  We who have stuck around for so long often have an otherwise wonderful trait, fairness, that puts us at a distinct disadvantage when dealing with an unbalanced acting-out spouse.  If we try to be fair and nice we'll end up being too fair, too nice, too whatever.  We have to protect ourselves and the children.  Frankly, your sense of fairness, niceness and whathaveyou won't be sincerely reciprocated.  You know how quickly she can switch from Miss Nice to Queen Witch.  Be forewarned.