Fear no one will compare

[Scopikaz]

In spite of all of her emotional issues, baggage, jealousies, playing victim, neediness, insecurities, etc I still fear no one will compare to her. That's what scares me.  In terms of her beauty, her charm, wit, intelligence, fun, sexually, and even kindnesses and intimacy when those were at their best.  I fear no one will be as good as she was at her best. During idealization I guess . Sad I know. But i have this pit in my stomach literally that for all her flaws and imperfections that she was the one I let get away.  Because I didn't know the extent of her issues. And had I have maybe it would have made a difference. 

Somebody tell me I'm wrong.

[VitaminC]

You're wrong. So wrong.

[hopealways]

But she is not the person at her best. You were infatuated. There are many others, who will provide a loving and harmonious relationship without the horrific lows a BPD brings.  :)istance brings clarity, and with proper NC and mindfulness you will one day wake up with the fog lifted and wonder why you EVER put up with any of that.  The reward is just not worth the devastation.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Scopi-

So consider that a borderline, someone who MUST form attachments in order to survive, in fact in order to feel they exist at all, will get very, very good at attaching, yes?  So she became exactly who she needed to be to affect that attachment with you, to be exactly who she needed to be so that you'd develop a strong emotional bond with her, and she did it so you wouldn't leave.  Not malicious mind you, and not even conscious probably, she just did what she had to do to survive, like we all do.

But many folks here consider the relationship an unsustainable fantasy once they were out and grounded; is that true for you?  No, you probably won't meet someone who compares with an unsustainable fantasy, unless it's another borderline, but what if you meet someone to create the life of your dreams with, but in reality and sustainable?  Wouldn't that be an upgrade?

[kc sunshine]

Hey Scopi-

So consider that a borderline, someone who MUST form attachments in order to survive, in fact in order to feel they exist at all, will get very, very good at attaching, yes?  So she became exactly who she needed to be to affect that attachment with you, to be exactly who she needed to be so that you'd develop a strong emotional bond with her, and she did it so you wouldn't leave.  Not malicious mind you, and not even conscious probably, she just did what she had to do to survive, like we all do.

Mine would tell me that she could make people love her. This description from heeltoheal is a wonderful explanation of why she would need to (and how she could do it).

[homefree]

I completely understand.

It seems impossible for me to find anyone that fit so perfectly for me as her, even though my mind can easily reel off a number of things that were clearly not compatible with who I want. It's like the good parts overwhelm the bad ones so that we don't even acknowledge them or care about them. The truth is, without the fantasy creating this dense fog around the relationship, the actual value of it was pretty shallow. That doesn't even include the months of push pull where my pain was not of any obvious concern.

None of that matters when you are in the fog. I'm still in it. It still tells me I miss her and that she was the perfect person for me. It doesn't make any sense just typing it.

It is emotions, plain and simple. Emotions don't contain reason or rationality. Only when the fog clears can you truly assess what you had. I suspect I will not like what I see. You probably will too. That seems to be the pattern.

[Itstopsnow]

Let me tell you, I loved my boyfriend with all my heart! I admired him for once being a priest. I thought he was selfless and so giving. I spent so much money on us to travel and do fun things. I did everything he wanted . All the gambling runs. I put up with his degrading emotionally abuse and I still would of laid my life down did him. Until I realized the extent of his cheating and lying and using. It was hard. But the longer you go no contact. The clearer your mind gets on actual events. Sure I had great times with him but they were always surrounded by at least one tantrum, rage or melt down of some sort by him. Now I realize I should of left after 6 months or earlier. Maybe after 3. I wish I never dated him. I don't hate him but he is an abuser and user and he has a deep mental illness that he doesn't want to fix. You'll start remembering the bad times more clearly as you move forward. What you saw wasn't the true her. My ex was amazing at the start to me and to others. That is their way to hook you. In their mind it's real for that moment but it's the thrill of the chase they like. It's not really about you at all. That's not real love. It will become clear as more time passes . Believe me, I never imagined I could let go. But I'm glad I did.

[Fr4nz]

In spite of all of her emotional issues, baggage, jealousies, playing victim, neediness, insecurities, etc I still fear no one will compare to her. That's what scares me.  In terms of her beauty, her charm, wit, intelligence, fun, sexually, and even kindnesses and intimacy when those were at their best.  I fear no one will be as good as she was at her best. During idealization I guess . Sad I know. But i have this pit in my stomach literally that for all her flaws and imperfections that she was the one I let get away.  Because I didn't know the extent of her issues. And had I have maybe it would have made a difference.  

Somebody tell me I'm wrong.

I still feel the same about the good parts of my ex... .however, as others pointed out, this is somehow an illusion, a fantasy (mostly created at the beginning of our relationships) which is simply unsustainable in the long term and masks severe issues on the BPD side.

I'll elaborate the point better: we know that BPD is, basically, an attachment disorder stemming from the fact that sufferers have a deficient self - they don't know who they truly are; as such, they (unconsciously) always need a some kind of partner to complete their self, since they cannot stand to be alone (otherwise they feel "empty", "void", etc.).

In order to secure an attachment, in the beginning sufferers do whatever they it is in their power to achieve that (idealization phase).

Unluckily, once an attachment is secured fears of abandonment and engulfment kick in, with all the plethora of problems we know very well... .

It is, basically, a sad script repeated during each kind of relationship, be it romantic, friendship, working, etc.

What a pity, many sufferers are potentially marvelous and clever people full of good qualities and talents... .

[balletomane]

I have a different but related fear. I've had two relationships in my adult life (I'm 28), while my ex had seven in the space of eighteen months. (I was number eight.) I know that this is hardly a measure of romantic success, because almost all those relationships of his have had disastrous results, but his current gf and several of the previous partners are absolutely lovely and it makes me wonder how he can attract nice people so rapidly while I can't. I'm not envious - I don't want a whole string of broken relationships, I want meaningful ones that don't end with everybody bleeding all over the place - but sometimes I do worry that after him no one will be interested in me.

[Kelli Cornett]

If she is a typical BPD but got help and DBT than yes maybe.