He is up for meeting in 6 weeks -now im not sure good idea

[cherryblossom]

 

I'd appreciate advice / support

my exBPD has said on Friday he will be up for meeting 6 weeks time -because I said I had so many unanswered questions -this is  after he respected some communication I had recently sent and said I had hoped we may be able to have proper heart to heart-I said this and every communication since has been respectful and stuck to what I had requested. I genuinely wanted us to have this meeting this last week or so but now I am not sure if it's a good idea. I'm not sure what good it will do? I know big part of me would love him to say he cannot believe what he has done and wants me back and will do whatever it takes -but I know I have no control over that what so ever.

Am I just setting myself up for rehashing intense feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger? -felt all these to the extreme last day or so as had to be in communication with him about practical flat stuff -handed in keys tonight -no real reason to see him again -he has some stuff of mine-but it cant be very important stuff as I'm not missing anything important. Am I missing an opportunity to just let go?

Why would he want to meet me anyway? -to relieve guilt about how he has acted? to check I still feel for him?-maybe he will act in a way that will devastate me-act like everything is ok? Maybe he does see the light?-He could be realising how much he has thrown away?

I do believe he loved me so much it frightened him so he acted out -but I know I cannot make him choose another way -I'm not Luke Skywalker

My T says I need to acknowledge all these feelings myself and I am potentially putting him in a position that could cause more pain for me-he may not have the ability to give me what I want -even if he wanted to -therefore a reminder of the hopeless situation. (He says it's for best we split as he has too much trouble). 


I know I have 6 weeks to ponder all this /decide against or for /work to looking to my future instead of past

I'd appreciate some insight,food for thought, tips, practical action for me to focus on, pointers to articles on here to read

Thanks

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[cherryblossom]

Actually it would b good to have some dialogue that is not loaded and genuinely inquisitive and adult like - we did speak like that with each other many times before the complete meltdown.

I had turned into an emotional wreck leading up to the breakup - dealing with some difficult relationship dynamics within family and other sources - i had been a rock before that - think this freaked him out -

[cherryblossom]

I wish he could have shown the same tolerance to me as i did to him at that point as i really needed the support but he buckled - i think it's this i want to talk over and acknowledge with him. I did acknowledge i relate from my child modes at times - but we both had significant peices of time working out of our adult and child modes - but again i got 2 b careful not to get into role of rescuer here - if he wants to find out more about his patterns of relating he has to look into it more

[C.Stein]

I wish he could have shown the same tolerance to me as i did to him at that point as i really needed the support but he buckled

You and me both.  If my ex had shown at least some compassion, empathy and support when I need her the most things would be much different right now.  It breaks my heart. 

[cherryblossom]

 ++

Hi C.S ---Yeah sucks doesn't it?

How long ago did you guys split? -sounds like you are still hurting? How's your healing going?

There will be other people out that are better equipped to support us when we need it- but I still atm feel like he is my soul mate-I feel brainwashed 2bh

I have decided to take time and really mull over this meeting proposal-what exactly am I expecting hoping for?

I feel like I don't want to meet unless I can do so with no agenda other than an adult discussion/ debrief of break up

I don't want to meet him feeling like I wish we could get back together -I want to be sure of my values and boundaries

At end of day though -I think the major damage has been done don't think I could feel any worse than what I have been through already

If I meet and he is drunk etc... .I'll know for sure to move on  -If he tries to sweet talk me -i'll know to move on

I have to be real and figure out am I actually strong enough to deal with a BPD partner?

Reading through some stories on here -feels like we must be masochists to put up with it

[livednlearned]

Hi cherryblossom,

Do you sense he is agreeing because he wants anything beyond an opportunity to redeem himself?

What do you think the brainwash feeling is about?

I have great respect for the inner voice -- yours is telling you to hold steady for now. Six weeks you might feel different. How do you want to respond if it's to agree? How do you want to respond if it's to call it off?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey cherry blossom,

To me the issue is not why he wants to meet with you, the issue is whether you want to meet with him in six weeks.  What's in it for you?  Are you contemplating a meeting with him because you want to, or because you think you owe it to him.  If the latter, then I don't see the point.  Since you are posting here on the Saving Board, presumably you are interested in reviving your r/s.  Is that correct?  I sense ambivalence on your part.  Projecting about what he mighty do or say is a slippery slope, because often things play out much differently than they do in our heads.  In my view, it's best to work with the here and now.

LuckyJim

[cherryblossom]

who am I kidding guys?

I love him so much and I want to reconcile. I have to have this meeting. If we can't work things out, or if he is clearly a drunk mess, acts inappropriately- then at least that will put the final nail in coffin for me -I can't get closure the way things are atm without having talked things through properly. So communication tips for the meeting if he turns up fully present -will be appreciated.

The truth is life without him does not feel right at all. There's no one like him and no -one that validated me and my existence the way he did. I know idealization is a "phase" but I believe there was more than that, I feel it deep down -there was maturity there on both our parts. It ran so deep -there is no way on earth he can be switched off from that love -or keep it off -he may have tried to drink to cover up -but that will not work / be sustainable. This is my gut feeling. I look at other people in their relationships and they look so dead and their connection seems so weak -like not even a tenth of what me and exBPD had

The brainwash feeling is that I cannot seem to hold onto any of the negative experiences. I feel like I'm not allowed to survive without him. I'm not supposed to live without him? I'm not allowed to be ok with myself -I'm not allowed to move on or be happy. (maybe he has taken control of my  inner demanding/critical parent mode) I was a level headed person at the point of meeting him -I've got my issues granted -but I had them under check -I was a strong force -on the light side of life -neurosis not controlling me. I felt free and sure of myself. Now I would say I am moderately depressed (did that test ) -I slip into black /white thinking -I keep thinking my life is completely pointless if I cannot be with him, I can't enjoy anything properly, I shed tears daily, I slip into social anxiety-  I will not rest now until this meeting has been and done. (knowing that being with him has caused all this madness does not seem to compute with me -the love is overpowering)

Is there some strange mystical battle going on in a relationship with BPD? -because it feels like it's a battle to prove that love/light is the key or love/light is the answer -no matter what darkness comes along -is there actually something positive about this? -or is it simply just complete chaotic madness?

I want him to know how much he has hurt me the total betrayal -but I don't want him to feel lots of shame -but surely he cant go through life thinking what he did was ok? I think he knows it was not ok. Maybe he does want to redeem only and if that is what happens -that is what happens so be it and I'll properly be able to put it to rest.

I'm still focused on healing despite all the depression -I won't throw myself in the dustbin although I am mentally constipated atm -I am pushing for some movement! I went a bit crazy in waterstones today -bought myself a couple paulo cohelo books, a couple listographys -past and future -so I can bring to the forefront of my mind what I have achieved and what I want to achieve and the road less travelled -this helped me years ok when I was depressed

thanks for your replies so far xxx 

[cherryblossom]

god this is weird - I re read last post and think I sound bloody pathetic -and all the negative things about the relationship come back to me.

along with his good qualities -he has been controlling and been abusive -betrayed my trust -why would I want someone like that back?

It could only be if he was dedicated to recovery and there would have to be a hell of a lot of evidence.

[C.Stein]

CB, you and I are close to the same spot in this healing process, I'm just a tiny bit further down the road than you. 

I also feel the same things you are feeling and also sometimes have a hard time focusing on the negative.  I want to believe that what I felt, and thought she did, was true, deep and lasting.  Yet my ex has apparently moved on (in a couple of weeks) and cut me completely out of her life like I never existed.  The more I think back the more I see just how shallow it all was ... .her supposed love and care for me.  She was never really there for me emotionally when I needed her the most (i.e. times when she hurt me).  Her actions never backed up her words and it drove me away from her.  To top it off I am certain she blames me for the distancing ... .I "changed".  Well you know what, I did change as a result of how she was treating me.  I became withdrawn, distant, depressed, inattentive etc... .  in essence everything I am not.  So I got replaced as a result ... .before she discarded me.  She likely blames this on me too. 

It is and probably will always be the most emotionally painful relationship and loss I have ever experienced, or at least a very close second.  I should have walked long before the end but I choose to give her the benefit of the doubt and to believe in her.  I allowed myself to be blind to all the signs that said this would probably happen eventually ... .and it did.  I really have no one to blame but myself.  It is so hard to focus on the bad when there was so much more good than bad.  But that bad does far more damage than the good can heal.

I also want another chance, knowing what I know now.  That said, the more the FOG clears the more I see what a near impossible challenge it will be to have a healthy relationship with her.  I still want to believe in her but her actions speak pretty loudly, both during the relationship and after the final discard.  I would have to once again push all that to the side, put my own pain behind me, and attempt to believe she can be more than what she is right now, and more importantly find a way to trust her again.   I do know she has huge potential, but she needs to believe in herself and she doesn't.  She chooses to remain this way and as long as that is the case she will never be happy nor will she ever be in a healthy relationship.

So I guess for the both of us we need to decide one thing ... .be thankful we dodged a bullet or step back into the path of it?

[livednlearned]

Do you feel it's possible to meet for a short coffee, with a time limit for yourself. Could you keep the conversation friendly but not intimate?

How've you been, how were the holidays, how was your vacation, etc.

It seems like a lot of expectations are tied up in this meeting. Could you instead take that time to keep things light, observe your own emotions, and make no decisions one way or another?

[cherryblossom]

 

I do intend on replying to u both properly - i appreciate ur time and particulary feel an affinity with u both! It's a busy time of year- Im at heathrow atm going to athens for a week to stay with a friend going to try and live in the moment - hav missed my ex like crazy over xmas - one quick thing c.s - what do u think about the success stories on here there arnt many really are there? Not real long lasting - i havent read them all granted but it worries me that some of them haven't posted for years is that good or bad i wonder? Any that giv u hope particulary? Lnl thanks 4 advice -  i will try an take it easy as u suggest but i do hav unanswered q's  and want to try and utilise the winners triangle any tips? X

[C.Stein]

c.s - what do u think about the success stories on here there arnt many really are there? Not real long lasting - i havent read them all granted but it worries me that some of them haven't posted for years is that good or bad i wonder? Any that giv u hope particulary?

I haven't really read any success stories.  I have read some posts from people who are in "successful" relationships with a pwBPD and what I have seen it is mostly a struggle.  Not to say it is impossible but I think it takes a special person to "manage" that type of relationship.  I also believe the severity of the disorder also comes into play as would be expected.  

I find myself at times wondering if I had done things different it couldn't have been better.  Certainly it might have lasted longer, but then I don't know for sure.   I really want to believe she could stop doing the things that pushed me away and to treat me with honesty, respect and caring.  Thing is when we were emotionally and intimately closer she seemed more unstable.  It wasn't until I started to distance myself somewhat when she "stabilized".  

Problem with this was we weren't as close to each other as we had been (or wanted to be) and it bothered me and probably her to.  In the end it all came down to respect and trust.  I needed her to make an effort to build the relationship not continue to destroy it.  When she did do something that hurt me she would just sweep it under the rug like it never happened.  She never tried to fix the damage, nor did she really stop the damaging behavior in spite of me bringing it to her attention.  I think she found the behavior acceptable or maybe even normal, yet when I pointed it out to her she would "admit" it was wrong.   I don't think this admission meant anything to her because she continued to do the things that hurt me and our relationship, probably because she really didn't believe it was wrong.  Maybe it is BPD or maybe it is a lifetime of acting that way?   What I do know is it destroyed our relationship and when I ceased to fill her needs she replaced me ... .then dumped me (in that order).

Question here is, even if I had a chance to reconcile (which I don't), could I get past this propensity of hers to run and/or seek validation from other men (i.e. emotional affairs and possibly physical ones) and her lack of respect and caring for my feelings.   When she is unhappy or feels a need of hers isn't being filled, be it a valid reason or not, instead of talking to me about it she runs and/or talks to everyone BUT me.    Eventually she replaced me with the first man who showed an interest in her and gave her the validation she "needed".   She did it to her ex before me, but she got caught before it went to far, so I was told.   She claimed she knew what she did was wrong with that guy and would never do it again ... . yet she did the same thing to me.  It seems quite obvious that she is willing to cross the line, to do what she knows is wrong, in order to satiate some need of hers.  She doesn't care who she hurts in the process as long as she gets what she wants and that need of hers is filled.

Everyone deserves a partner they can trust on all levels.   When someone manipulates you emotionally in order to get something they want it destroys your trust in that person.  The trust I speak of here is the most important in a relationship, the trust you give to your partner to protect your heart.  Add in deception and lies and what are you left with?   In the beginning she seemed desperate to know I thought of her in only good ways.  I think this was/is very important for her, perhaps because she has low self-esteem, but also because I think she knows how "dark" a person she can be.   Perhaps she needed to know (conscious or not) the mask she was wearing was believed by me to be her true self.  That is the person she really wants to be, the one with the good mask on, but for some reason can't be.  I believed in that person and I gave her my love and support to be that person ... .but that is not enough.  She needs to believe in that person and herself and without that it doesn't matter how much I love her and encouraged the good side of her to be omnipresent.   When the chips are on the table the dark side seems to be the one that comes out to play.

It is so hard to reconcile the woman who is one of the most affectionate, loving, caring, giving, etc  people I have ever me with this cold-hearted, selfish and cruel person who has no apparent problem emotionally destroying another person in order to get what she wants.  Could I live with this for the rest of my life?  It probably wouldn't matter anyhow because eventually she would find a reason to run, married or not.  That said, if she could find a way to stop doing these destructive things I think we could have been very happy together, but I doubt she will ever change because she doesn't believe she has a problem.  Her actions and behavior are always justified in her eyes even when she "admits" it is wrong and as long as she continues like this she will never find what she is so desperately looking for.