(Too Different?) Belief Systems of my uBBDgf

[landj]

 

I am still here in the staying forum because even though she broke up with me, if past history means anything, she may call upon me again to be there for her and I probably will be. After 2 1/2 years and a few breakups, I have learned so much about myself, and her, that even if it is over, I have a lot of unanswered questions, and when I am here online, I feel like I am talking to someone, since no one I know seems to understand.

One of the reasons she broke up is because of our different belief systems. She says she needs someone who is like-minded and I will never understand.  Here are some of her beliefs that come to mind that I am not entirely on board with:



She believes in every conspiracy theory there is; (cloud seeding, Hitler didn't die in WW2, Flouride in water, aliens among us,  Illuminati,.govt is building mass graves... .etc... .)

She is psychic and always has been.

Mermaids exist and she intends to prove it (if she can do it before the govt assassinates her for exposing the truth).

She is going to be the next president of USA.

She is the anti-christ spoke of in the bible?

She will levitate within 2 years

  She healed herself of cancer with pot and her diet and she can heal others.

She was hitler in a past life.

There is an entity in my house that sucks all of her energy out. When I leave the house, it attaches itself to me and when she sees me she becomes suicidal.

When she served in the military, she was given chemicals that made her crazy (it is common practice for the military to do this to service men).



There is much more but these are what come to mind right now. Sometimes I think if she were to hit bottom and seek help, maybe some of these beliefs would subside.

If she comes back, even out of desperation (again) I want to be able to validate her beliefs in a truthful way. It is a tough thing for me to do since I think so differently than her.She is a bit younger than me (57/41) and we share alot of common desires and wishes.  I feel like she is finally starting to realise she can trust me. well, maybe anyway. I wish I could feel the same about her. Thanks for letting me rant (again).

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[thisagain]

What would "you being there for her" look like?

I can't tell if you know this already, but this is not an equally valid and healthy "belief system." These are paranoid and/or grandiose delusions caused by some sort of serious mental illness. People with BPD can teeter on the edge of psychotic and delusional (which I think might be where the term "borderline" originally came from?). I saw some of that in my ex and it was tragic and terrifying. But you're describing something beyond BPD.

"Validating the invalid" is difficult and not usually advised. I suppose it would look something like... ."I'm going to be the next president of the United States!" "You sound really excited about that!" "Yeah, I'm going to beat Donald Trump AND Hillary!" "It sure would be exciting to be the president." ... .I guess? Like I said, really difficult to validate the invalid.

When my ex was in a bad period she'd start telling me all about how she was going to be a published writer in the New York Times or something, and I'd just say "wow, that sounds exciting! I can't wait to read it!". But that was just trying to minimize the damage and survive a few nights until I could get her out of my apartment. I think it would be exhausting and soul-sucking to have that kind of conversation on a regular basis.

It also sounds like she might be demanding that you agree with the factual claims she is making, not just validate her feelings. Validation would basically be acknowledging that she feels excited, scared, proud, etc. And for some of these, you could also validate that it would be exciting to be the president, or it must be really scary to think that the military had given her harmful chemicals. (I'm trying to analogize from the usual example of "it would be terrible to be afraid I was cheating on you."

But you're never going to agree with her that she IS a psychic mermaid. And she might sense that difference and react badly. That was actually one of the factors that ended my relationship. My ex decided she's going to need open heart surgery for a disease she doesn't have, and she gets very wrapped up in the victim drama that she has some terrible illness and no one "believes her." So I'd say things like "wow, you must be terrified!" ... .but I refused to "believe her" by agreeing that she does have this disease and she will need surgery. And that's what she was demanding.

If you decide to recycle the relationship, I'd honestly recommend talking with a nurse or clinician from an inpatient psych ward, to ask for tips on validating this kind of delusion. They must have ways to respond to things like that without increasing the patient's agitation. Personally I decided I didn't want to be a full-time live-in psych nurse.

[Anna17]

Wow. You lost me with the first line. I've known a number of conspiracy theory types, and I've always found them to be teetering on the edge of mental illness. Or, they are pretty dysfunctional in other ways.

I remember laughing at the conspiracy theorist Dale on the TV show King of the Hill, who was always researching stuff and spinning weird conspiracies. But he was completely oblivious to the deceptions going on right under his nose, such as why his son looks exactly like his wife's so-called personal trainer.

Some of the things in your list strike me as merely "alternative" beliefs that may be held by people who aren't mentally ill. But I agree with thisagain that some things seem to be delusions that go a bit beyond BPD.

My h sometimes has delusions and even hallucinations, but they occur within the context of conflict or stress. When he is in a calm, unemotional mood, he doesnt have strange beliefs. Ive heard this can be true with p wBPD: the delusional stuff only happens when they are in their "Mr. Hyde" phase but not during other times.

[ProKonig]

I don't think this is to do with 'belief systems'. This is to do with severe delusion. Might be worth looking into and finding somewhere that specialises in this kind of treatment, especially if your partner's behaviour is dangerous to herself and you. Building trust is beneficial, maybe it'll make what is necessary for her easier to do.

Sounds like it matches some of the symptoms of this:

www.webmd.com/schizophrenia/guide/delusional-disorder

[Chilibean13]

I used to work with a lady who had alzheimer's. She frequently had hallucinations and spoke to her dead mom who she saw sitting in the room with her. I found that when staff disagreed with her and told her that what she was seeing wasn't real, she would dysregulate for days on end--non-stop screaming, arguing, worse hallucinations, etc.

I did some research on how to handle these cycles and one thing I trained my staff of was that even though its not real to us, it is real to her. THe new theory is that you don't try to change their mind about the hallucination, but instead go with it. If she would talk to her mom, then when you need her to eat, ask her if her mom would come join her at the table.

If your gf returns though, it does sound like she has more than BPD. This sounds like schizophrenia. Medications would probably help keep some of these delusions at bay.

[landj]

Thank you all for your replies and also for being here...


By being there for her I would likely let her move back in with her 3 kids she still has at home if she asked me to let her back. This would be instead of her being evicted and winding up in a homeless shelter or worse. I guess that might be me enabling but I don't want her to lose her kids and wont believe they could be better off without her. Their fathers aren't an option. Also, I am trying to be supportive of her when she becomes suicidal, which is pretty much whenever she runs out of pot.

She will say she is crazy and is trying to heal herself, but after 2 years of watching her seemingly get worse, I don't think her self-healing methods are working. She is very smart and seems to know why she is in so much pain (sexual abuse). I think she knows that some of her beliefs (or delusions) are not real. She just wants to believe it to help ease the pain she is in. I thought maybe I was replaced but she emailed me yesterday telling me how much all her kids and she love me and that she is all alone in this world and was having suicide ideations again. She mentioned that her older daughter had told her she thinks I love her more than anything and only try to help. Her daughter also said "we all are trying but we don't know what to do to help you".

I have been LC for a month and pretty much not talking but only emailing and even then, only replying to her. I offered that if she wanted to go back to therapy to try and help stop the suffering, I would help with that in any way I could. She tried to call but I was working and  I didn't answer, one, because I didn't want to trigger her like I always seem to do and two, I didn't want her to fog up my day by blaming me for her wanting to kill herself. She didn't leave a message and I have not heard from her since. I have also been wondering if I just tell her she can't come back and let whatever happens, happen. Very hard choices for me no matter what happens. For now, like so many times before, I just wait and see what happens and try to keep working on what I can control. Myself...   Soul sucking and exhaausting. That is a good way to put it, thisagain.