Ex contacts me a year later

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all! Thought it was time I would make my return here after 9 months or so, first of all just to let you all know I'm allright. This forum was so helpfull a year ago. In december 2014 I split up with my crazy ex after five years of on/off relationship, including one year of living together. She replaced me after about a month with a new guy. Although my head knew it was the right thing, as I felt miserable for all these years, my heart was broken and I became depressed. Even made a thread here about suicidal tendencies and what not. You people helped me through!

So in 2015 I kept working on myself. Therapy for my codependance, anti depressives, growing my social circle, going to the gym. It all helped and by summer I felt almost fully healed. The second half of last year was fantastic - I have a great group of social contacts now, some close friends, I have lots of hobbies, a succesful career, and I go to the gym 5 to 6 six times a week, helping in no small amount to get some attention from the opposite sex. As for dating, I had a few flings the past year, but nothing serious. I don't feel ready. I LOVE being single right now, the freedom it provides, working on myself and what not.

I also visit another, smaller (but certainly not lesser) forum about BPD so if this information sounds familiair to you its because of that, but last week a whole can of old hurt got opened. I received an e-mail from my ex. I had it coming as she was 'testing the waters'  the past months by sometimes contacting me through Whatsapp for small talk. I always replied short and with a distance, but still she felt brave enough to send me an e-mail.

So, this is what the email said. Keep in my she has a new guy for a year now, one that she lives with since last summer. Which makes emails like this all the more despicable.

"Hi CloseToFreedom,

I wanted to share something that has been bothering me for a while. I am ashamed to send it to you. I hope it can stay between us.

After this e-mail I won't bother you again in the middle of the night during my night shifts.

We're more than a year seperated and we have both found our happiness. But you still linger in the back of my head. It's not that I want you back or anything. But in the year without you I have learned a lot about myself and I have learned that I've been the rotten apple in the last years of our relationship. My apologies. I am working on those issues as we speak.

What I miss are our common interests. We shared a lot of them. Movies, series, games and social occasions.

And besides that you will stay special, but I will move on now and don't want to think about it anymore. But before I take that step, I wanted to tell you this.

Regards,

Crazy ex"


While the subject of the email SEEMS kind, it more or less feels like she's testing me. Like, she says she doesnt want to get back with me, but then talks about how Im special and how she misses certain aspects of our relationship.

I chose to ignore it, but more emails followed, including one where she mentioned she thought we belonged together, and that she even thinks that sometimes nowadays.

Eventually I chose to reply and after some small talk, told her that I didn't want to continue the conversations and I told her good luck in life, and lets just end things here.

Now, I think I handled it pretty well, but it DID bring back some old feelings. I have no intention to get back with her (because I remember the numerous bad times, PLUS it only goes to show what a bad person this is for going behind the back of her bf to send this stuff), but I don't feel as 'flea-free' and happy as the past year. The old feelings that have came back have to set in a little bit and I suspect that in a few weeks I will feel better again. For now, it is clear to me that even the smallest of contact can set you back a bit.

Let this be a lesson for you all. They often DO come back, when you least expect it, and don't think you are strong enough to deal with them, because they can destroy progress that you've made in an instant. BEWARE!

Hope you all are safe and in a good place!

[CloseToFreedom]

Hi all! Thought it was time I would make my return here after 9 months or so, first of all just to let you all know I'm allright. This forum was so helpfull a year ago. In december 2014 I split up with my crazy ex after five years of on/off relationship, including one year of living together. She replaced me after about a month with a new guy. Although my head knew it was the right thing, as I felt miserable for all these years, my heart was broken and I became depressed. Even made a thread here about suicidal tendencies and what not. You people helped me through!

So in 2015 I kept working on myself. Therapy for my codependance, anti depressives, growing my social circle, going to the gym. It all helped and by summer I felt almost fully healed. The second half of last year was fantastic - I have a great group of social contacts now, some close friends, I have lots of hobbies, a succesful career, and I go to the gym 5 to 6 six times a week, helping in no small amount to get some attention from the opposite sex. As for dating, I had a few flings the past year, but nothing serious. I don't feel ready. I LOVE being single right now, the freedom it provides, working on myself and what not.

I also visit another, smaller (but certainly not lesser) forum about BPD so if this information sounds familiair to you its because of that, but last week a whole can of old hurt got opened. I received an e-mail from my ex. I had it coming as she was 'testing the waters'  the past months by sometimes contacting me through Whatsapp for small talk. I always replied short and with a distance, but still she felt brave enough to send me an e-mail.

So, this is what the email said. Keep in my she has a new guy for a year now, one that she lives with since last summer. Which makes emails like this all the more despicable.

"Hi CloseToFreedom,

I wanted to share something that has been bothering me for a while. I am ashamed to send it to you. I hope it can stay between us.

After this e-mail I won't bother you again in the middle of the night during my night shifts.

We're more than a year seperated and we have both found our happiness. But you still linger in the back of my head. It's not that I want you back or anything. But in the year without you I have learned a lot about myself and I have learned that I've been the rotten apple in the last years of our relationship. My apologies. I am working on those issues as we speak.

What I miss are our common interests. We shared a lot of them. Movies, series, games and social occasions.

And besides that you will stay special, but I will move on now and don't want to think about it anymore. But before I take that step, I wanted to tell you this.

Regards,

Crazy ex"


While the subject of the email SEEMS kind, it more or less feels like she's testing me. Like, she says she doesnt want to get back with me, but then talks about how Im special and how she misses certain aspects of our relationship.

I chose to ignore it, but more emails followed, including one where she mentioned she thought we belonged together, and that she even thinks that sometimes nowadays.

Eventually I chose to reply and after some small talk, told her that I didn't want to continue the conversations and I told her good luck in life, and lets just end things here.

Now, I think I handled it pretty well, but it DID bring back some old feelings. I have no intention to get back with her (because I remember the numerous bad times, PLUS it only goes to show what a bad person this is for going behind the back of her bf to send this stuff), but I don't feel as 'flea-free' and happy as the past year. The old feelings that have came back have to set in a little bit and I suspect that in a few weeks I will feel better again. For now, it is clear to me that even the smallest of contact can set you back a bit.

Let this be a lesson for you all. They often DO come back, when you least expect it, and don't think you are strong enough to deal with them, because they can destroy progress that you've made in an instant. BEWARE!

Hope you all are safe and in a good place!

[HumbleHeart]

Hi all! Thought it was time I would make my return here after 9 months or so, first of all just to let you all know I'm allright. This forum was so helpfull a year ago. In december 2014 I split up with my crazy ex after five years of on/off relationship, including one year of living together. She replaced me after about a month with a new guy. Although my head knew it was the right thing, as I felt miserable for all these years, my heart was broken and I became depressed. Even made a thread here about suicidal tendencies and what not. You people helped me through!

So in 2015 I kept working on myself. Therapy for my codependance, anti depressives, growing my social circle, going to the gym. It all helped and by summer I felt almost fully healed. The second half of last year was fantastic - I have a great group of social contacts now, some close friends, I have lots of hobbies, a succesful career, and I go to the gym 5 to 6 six times a week, helping in no small amount to get some attention from the opposite sex. As for dating, I had a few flings the past year, but nothing serious. I don't feel ready. I LOVE being single right now, the freedom it provides, working on myself and what not.

I also visit another, smaller (but certainly not lesser) forum about BPD so if this information sounds familiair to you its because of that, but last week a whole can of old hurt got opened. I received an e-mail from my ex. I had it coming as she was 'testing the waters'  the past months by sometimes contacting me through Whatsapp for small talk. I always replied short and with a distance, but still she felt brave enough to send me an e-mail.

So, this is what the email said. Keep in my she has a new guy for a year now, one that she lives with since last summer. Which makes emails like this all the more despicable.

"Hi CloseToFreedom,

I wanted to share something that has been bothering me for a while. I am ashamed to send it to you. I hope it can stay between us.

After this e-mail I won't bother you again in the middle of the night during my night shifts.

We're more than a year seperated and we have both found our happiness. But you still linger in the back of my head. It's not that I want you back or anything. But in the year without you I have learned a lot about myself and I have learned that I've been the rotten apple in the last years of our relationship. My apologies. I am working on those issues as we speak.

What I miss are our common interests. We shared a lot of them. Movies, series, games and social occasions.

And besides that you will stay special, but I will move on now and don't want to think about it anymore. But before I take that step, I wanted to tell you this.

Regards,

Crazy ex"


While the subject of the email SEEMS kind, it more or less feels like she's testing me. Like, she says she doesnt want to get back with me, but then talks about how Im special and how she misses certain aspects of our relationship.

I chose to ignore it, but more emails followed, including one where she mentioned she thought we belonged together, and that she even thinks that sometimes nowadays.

Eventually I chose to reply and after some small talk, told her that I didn't want to continue the conversations and I told her good luck in life, and lets just end things here.

Now, I think I handled it pretty well, but it DID bring back some old feelings. I have no intention to get back with her (because I remember the numerous bad times, PLUS it only goes to show what a bad person this is for going behind the back of her bf to send this stuff), but I don't feel as 'flea-free' and happy as the past year. The old feelings that have came back have to set in a little bit and I suspect that in a few weeks I will feel better again. For now, it is clear to me that even the smallest of contact can set you back a bit.

Let this be a lesson for you all. They often DO come back, when you least expect it, and don't think you are strong enough to deal with them, because they can destroy progress that you've made in an instant. BEWARE!

Hope you all are safe and in a good place!

Wow great post brother, I've been broken up with my ex for some months now. She reached out to me a few weeks ago but I wasn't strong enough to ignore it. She managed to tell me about her failed relationship after ours, blame me for treating her "too good", and make me feel belittled in just 30 mins. I Unfriended her though and i haven't heard a peep since then

[cloudten]

I am worried about this for myself.

It sounds like you handled it well though. I probably wouldn't have responded, but then again, who knows. He's like crack to my soul.

Stay strong. I hope for a quick recovery for you. It might not take weeks... .maybe days... .but definitely not months. Don't forget the bad times... .because that is all it would return to. She's not capable of anything different. She showed her true colors.

[NYCIntrospect]

"Hi CloseToFreedom,

I wanted to share something that has been bothering me for a while. I am ashamed to send it to you. I hope it can stay between us.

After this e-mail I won't bother you again in the middle of the night during my night shifts.

We're more than a year seperated and we have both found our happiness. But you still linger in the back of my head. It's not that I want you back or anything. But in the year without you I have learned a lot about myself and I have learned that I've been the rotten apple in the last years of our relationship. My apologies. I am working on those issues as we speak.

What I miss are our common interests. We shared a lot of them. Movies, series, games and social occasions.

And besides that you will stay special, but I will move on now and don't want to think about it anymore. But before I take that step, I wanted to tell you this.

Regards,

Crazy ex"

In between the "nice" apology of her note is a little bit of passive-aggressiveness.  I may be reading too much into it, but even the note has some push-pull in it.  There's no reason she had to state "It's not that I want you back or anything"... .a heartfelt apology would have sufficed if that's what she was really intending.  Glad you're doing better and hopefully this is just a blip that you'll rebound from more quickly.  Thanks for sharing. 

[C.Stein]

Personally I find that email very selfish and hurtful.

[Invictus01]

She is just testing you dude. No point in this email, not a year later. If you both found your happiness, then there is no need to bring up the past. This is straight out of the "let's be friends" book.

There are very very few instances in life when it is a good thing to burn a bridge. This is one of them.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

I think she is testing the waters and see where you are in your life. I got a similar text when I got back with my uBPD ex.  Her exact words 5 months later were " I thought you loved me" just that. I got hooked back in and paid dearly for it.

It really is sad how these people do this. I am pretty sure I will be getting something like this within the next year. This type of emails/texts bring back so many feelings/emotions.

Ignore it and move on. That's what I would do.

[Infern0]

She's clearly testing the waters here.

My guess is that the new guy has started to be devalued and she's just seeing if you are a possibility in case she needs to make an exit.

You handled it well, you'll feel fine soon enough.

[Tommytwo]

Totally agree InfernO. She was auditioning Closeto Freedom to be recycled. Was ready to discard the current feed and was looking for a host either new or used.

[Rmbrworst]

Personally I find that email very selfish and hurtful.

I agree.  I didn't find anything nice about it.

It was narcissistic and self serving.  No apology, no self awareness, and lots of baiting.

Glad you're doing well OP.  Sounds like the message doesn't have much in it worth responding to.  Glad you're working on yourself and feeling better.  Let the exBPD stay an ex.  Sounds like that's the best course of action, especially from that letter.

She's clearly testing the waters here.

My guess is that the new guy has started to be devalued and she's just seeing if you are a possibility in case she needs to make an exit.

You handled it well, you'll feel fine soon enough.

I agree inferno

[Targeted]

She's clearly testing the waters here.

My guess is that the new guy has started to be devalued and she's just seeing if you are a possibility in case she needs to make an exit.

You handled it well, you'll feel fine soon enough.

Mine  never stops  testing the waters.  But she loves to  remind me  that I am the one with the problems  ended is me that has to change, always says  we are meant to be together  and know one has them in her life longer than me,   She has self diagnosed me  with ADHD  because I  nodus other people when we are out in public!  Not that I am staring or ogling  but just the fact  I happened to see  A woman walk right past us !  This means  I can not  stay focused  on just her .    I told her if it were true  that she feels we are really meant to be together  then she would not be on as many dating sites  and entertaining as many men.   I showed her that her actions never matched her words  and said good luck dating

[C.Stein]

My ex threw me away like a piece of trash and never looked back.  By all appearances I am effectively dead to her.  There will be no water testing, no reaching out because in order for that to happen she would have to face herself.  It is far easier for her to blame me for everything she did and to think of me as if I don't exist anymore.

[Driver]

Hi all! Thought it was time I would make my return here after 9 months or so, first of all just to let you all know I'm allright. This forum was so helpfull a year ago. In december 2014 I split up with my crazy ex after five years of on/off relationship, including one year of living together. She replaced me after about a month with a new guy. Although my head knew it was the right thing, as I felt miserable for all these years, my heart was broken and I became depressed. Even made a thread here about suicidal tendencies and what not. You people helped me through!

So in 2015 I kept working on myself. Therapy for my codependance, anti depressives, growing my social circle, going to the gym. It all helped and by summer I felt almost fully healed. The second half of last year was fantastic - I have a great group of social contacts now, some close friends, I have lots of hobbies, a succesful career, and I go to the gym 5 to 6 six times a week, helping in no small amount to get some attention from the opposite sex. As for dating, I had a few flings the past year, but nothing serious. I don't feel ready. I LOVE being single right now, the freedom it provides, working on myself and what not.

I also visit another, smaller (but certainly not lesser) forum about BPD so if this information sounds familiair to you its because of that, but last week a whole can of old hurt got opened. I received an e-mail from my ex. I had it coming as she was 'testing the waters'  the past months by sometimes contacting me through Whatsapp for small talk. I always replied short and with a distance, but still she felt brave enough to send me an e-mail.

So, this is what the email said. Keep in my she has a new guy for a year now, one that she lives with since last summer. Which makes emails like this all the more despicable.

"Hi CloseToFreedom,

I wanted to share something that has been bothering me for a while. I am ashamed to send it to you. I hope it can stay between us.

After this e-mail I won't bother you again in the middle of the night during my night shifts.

We're more than a year seperated and we have both found our happiness. But you still linger in the back of my head. It's not that I want you back or anything. But in the year without you I have learned a lot about myself and I have learned that I've been the rotten apple in the last years of our relationship. My apologies. I am working on those issues as we speak.

What I miss are our common interests. We shared a lot of them. Movies, series, games and social occasions.

And besides that you will stay special, but I will move on now and don't want to think about it anymore. But before I take that step, I wanted to tell you this.

Regards,

Crazy ex"


While the subject of the email SEEMS kind, it more or less feels like she's testing me. Like, she says she doesnt want to get back with me, but then talks about how Im special and how she misses certain aspects of our relationship.

I chose to ignore it, but more emails followed, including one where she mentioned she thought we belonged together, and that she even thinks that sometimes nowadays.

Eventually I chose to reply and after some small talk, told her that I didn't want to continue the conversations and I told her good luck in life, and lets just end things here.

Now, I think I handled it pretty well, but it DID bring back some old feelings. I have no intention to get back with her (because I remember the numerous bad times, PLUS it only goes to show what a bad person this is for going behind the back of her bf to send this stuff), but I don't feel as 'flea-free' and happy as the past year. The old feelings that have came back have to set in a little bit and I suspect that in a few weeks I will feel better again. For now, it is clear to me that even the smallest of contact can set you back a bit.

Let this be a lesson for you all. They often DO come back, when you least expect it, and don't think you are strong enough to deal with them, because they can destroy progress that you've made in an instant. BEWARE!

Hope you all are safe and in a good place!

Hang in there.

When the similar scenario happened to me I went to see a therapist specialized with BPD to have some clues how to deal with such situations. He gave me a very simple, but valuable piece of advice:

"No matter what, do not read messages from a BPD."

Deep down inside we know that their messages don't do us any good. And if they do us some good, they quickly come back with things that in the end leave us like a zombie. Never ever a sane person who really loves you will do these things to you.

[Confused108]

Wow if your ex was really happy and indeed did move on she would not be saying the things she did. She def was trying to "recycle" you in a very slick way. She will be back . When only God knows. But one things is for sure her new boy toy has lost his shine and is about to be dropped on his head. And he doesn't even know it . You are the lucky one.