I don't know what to do

[londongirl123]

My boyfriend of 15 months has BPD. He is currently receiving therapy from a BPD specialist which seems to be specifically aimed at mindfulness. My problem is this: The last 15 months have been an unending nightmare. We have broken up more times than I can count. He gets very angry at perceived abandonment(not replying to his text within an acceptable timeframe, seeing friends too often, things like that). I then get a barrage of unbelievably abusive texts and other communications, often up to 250 a day. This can go on for several days. They are just horrible. Then I get a barrage of agonised apologies etc begging me to take him back. Not only abusive, he can be manipulative and controlling. He needs my attention what seems like all of the time. He abuses alcohol when he gets depressed. He is horrible when drunk. He is generally needy and very clingy and somewhat obsessive, partly, I think, because he sees no one and does nothing because his sole focus is me. Having said that, when things are bad between us he has gone on online dating/sex sites.

Whenhe is havinga good spell he is mortified at his behaviour and how badly he has hurt me.

On the other hand he can be so lucid, sweet, loving, funny and that is the person I love.

The latest drama was over the Christmas period. I have told him we cannot see each other for at least two months whilst he concentrates on his therapy and getting a life outside of me in the hopes he will get better, angerwise, and also develop his own life so he is less needy and clingy. He agrees this is a good way forward and that is our plan.

My question is this: Am I being stupid? is there any hope at all? I know he wants to get better and will work very hard in the hopes of getting me back. But he has broken my heart so many times and I fear his issues are too great and too numerous. My head is all upside down from  this rollercoaster. By the way my friends hate him with a passion due to his treatment of me.  Has anyone had any experiences like this?

Thanks

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi londongirl123,

I'm sorry to hear it's been a nightmare for you. BPD relationships are not just difficult, they are the most difficult.

That's a positive sign that your BF is diagnosed and receiving treatment. Do you know if his therapy is called dialectical behavior therapy or DBT? This is a therapy that does have a mindfulness component.

A core component of BPD is emotional dysregulation, which means the part of his brain that processes emotions can hit the ceiling in a split second and then it takes a while to return to baseline. For your BF, feelings equals facts. Part of therapy is learning to press pause when those feelings are boiling and trying to assemble enough facts in that state of mind to come back to baseline. It's hard work.

This article What Does It Take to Be in a BPD Relationship might be helpful while you take this therapeutic separation from your BF.

It's also a good sign that you have put boundaries in place with your BF. People with BPD have a very poor sense of boundaries so we have to do double-duty to make sure our sense of self is not eroded. He has extreme rejection sensitivity and can even interpret your own fatigue as a sign you must not love him.

There are skills that can help minimize conflict like validation, SET, and others. The bottom line is to learn skills that protect your own emotional health at all costs.

Has he contacted you at all now that the separation is in place?

[londongirl123]

Hi Livednlearned,

Thanks so much for your reply. You are so right, he really thinks his feelings are facts. But also his perceptions are distorted because he seems to see things through a weird distorted filter at times.

Re: my emotional health... .I feel that ship has sailed. He can be so loving and sweet but dear God he has put me through it in so many different ways that I am a wreck. My friends are extremely worried about me... .he is not physically violent but he is emotionally violent, if that makes sense and there is no doubt it is an abusive relationship. This break we are on is torturous but I also know that I cannot be with him if this is going to be the relationship. He has promised to change so many times. The difference this time is he appears to be in serious therapy and I know that he desperately wants a healthy relationship and that he needs to get better for that to happen. The therapy is not dpt, for some reason the therapist doesn't want to do that. It's mindfulness for 6 months then regular therapy for 6 months. I have researched her and she is very well regarded. Having said that, he has been doing it for a couple of months and he had a week long psychotic episode over Christmas... .I must have received 750 seriously abusive texts over 5 days. So I'm not sure it's working!

He has sent a couple of emails a day, which is incredibly restrained for him(I have banned texts as he texts constantly). He's trying. He wants to be the bf I deserve. Can he ever be? Or will I get my heart broken all over again? It's so hard to be strong... .but I just can't keep doing this. It's like a horrible cycle. But if there is hope I will try. Do people ever get better and have happy relationships?

Thanks so much

[livednlearned]

The psychotic episodes are tough, especially with the digital technology that can amplify things.

What did you think about the article I shared?

Accept the Role of "Emotional Caretaker": According to Kraft Goin MD (University of Southern California), "borderlines need a person who is a constant, continuing, empathic force in their lives; someone who can listen and handle being the target of intense rage and idealization while concurrently defining limits and boundaries with firmness and candor".  To be in this type of relationship, you must accept the role as emotional caretaker - consistently staying above it.

Maintaining routine and structure

Setting and maintain boundaries

Being empathetic, building trust, even in difficult times

Don’t tolerate abusive treatment, threats and ultimatums

In crisis, stay calm, don’t get defensive, don't take it personally

Don’t protect them from natural consequences of their actions - let them fail

Self-Destructive acts/threats require action

And at the same time, its important to understand that you and your behavior cannot rehabilitate anyone - you can only end your contribution to the emotional instability of the relationship. Rehabilitation requires an individual's deep personal commitment, consistently, and over time.

It seems relevant to your question because right now, you're worn down and feel depleted. As your emotional strength returns, and you learn skills, you may feel different about things. Right now is the time to learn what you can about BPD, and what it takes to be in these relationships. I have a friend whose husband is BPD among other things, and they live on a horse farm in two separate houses. He has been in therapy and made a lot of progress, though it is still clear he struggles with the volatility of his emotions. What is better is that he removes himself and stays in his cabin. If she feels the need for a break, she asks him to leave. That seems to work for both of them. Like you, her friends do not like him. She has learned to insist on having a wide circle of friends and spends time with them, and made that boundary as firm as titanium. It's a different relationship, and they are making it work. He had a substance abuse issue with pot, and she also laid down the boundary that if she catches him smoking weed, he is evicted, and he has twice had to move out after violating that boundary.

You have to be emotionally strong to avoid being emotionally injured. Two months will give you some time to heal. Are you seeing a therapist?

[londongirl123]

Hi Livenlearned,

I have definitely thought about therapy, but I can't really afford it. I did read the article... .some of the things seem pretty hard to implement for me... .It's hard to be empathetic when someone is being so incredibly unreasonable, including what feels like trying to bully you. Or going crazy because you didn't respond to a text inside 30 minutes or answer the phone because you are working.

Maybe you are right,I just need a break to gather my strength and I'll feel more able to cope with him.

At the moment I don't feel strong enough to leave or strong enough to stay. My mind feels really messed with.My friends can't believe it because I have always been so strong.

I am doing lots of research as you advised. It's so great to know there are other people out there in my situation.

I just feel really sad and confused, but that's normal, right? I think it's just so hard to understand how someone who says they love you can say and do the things they do. I had never even heard of BPD before I met my boyfriend so it's all been a bit of a shock

I'ma single mum with an eight year old boy so it's important to make good decisions. It's just knowing the right one to make. Can he ever have a healthy relationship? I know my bf is trying really hard but I don't want my boy exposed to bad things and I don't want to cry anymore.

Anyway. I really appreciate your support.

Thank you.

[livednlearned]

If it's any consolation, I have been in therapy on and off, and while it has been so helpful, I also found the insights and support here to be equal in value. There is something about talking to people who have walked in our shoes, and understand the specific challenges of loving someone with BPD.

Empathy makes an appearance in a very specific way when it's in the context of a BPD relationship, in my experience. I try to understand the feelings motivating the behaviors, and look for what I can validate in those feelings (validation is accepting and/or acknowledging the feelings, it is not necessarily agreeing with them). Empathy is also not being a doormat. If anything, empathy + validation + knowledge of BPD gave me the strength to enforce boundaries even more. I have empathy for the feelings, and the boundaries remain unmovable. It's this last aspect that can take a lot of emotional strength because obviously boundaries in a BPD relationship take some effort to enforce and just like parenting a child, you have to be consistent and enforce consequences even if there is some inconvenience to yourself.

It's so very, very normal to feel sad and confused. BPD distorts the normal bonding process in many ways, while at the same time making it more intense than many so-called normal relationships. The emotional roller coaster can be very taxing. Your task is to not get on the ride, and to stay grounded and centered, and this can be hard when you're worn down.

How are you doing with the boundaries so far?

How is your son doing? What is his relationship with your BF like?