Children being used as weapons

[caughtnreleased]

Does anyone have any insight into when couples use their children as their "allies" in family feuds?

I am seeing a dynamic emerge between my brother in law and sister, where it seems that there is a great deal of possession and jealousy regarding their children.  It seems like my brother in law is raising his son to be extremely co-dependent. He his stifling him, and will interfere if he sees him playing with other members of the family.  The child is even feeling guilty now if he let's himself play with others, and as soon as he sees his father will interrupt playing in order to go to him.  The child also keeps yelling at his mother to go away saying he only wants his father.  The father indulges him in this. The child yelled at me once to leave the room and I ignored it, he repeated it, I ignored it again, until the father stopped me and said: "did you hear what he said to you?" and he repeated it, laughing, as if it were completely acceptable behaviour.   It seems like a very unhealthy situation.  This type of dynamic also played in my family, I was my father's ally (and mother's scapegoat) and my sister was my mother's ally (but not a scapegoat of my father... .he was not a rager... .but he may have paid quite a bit less attention to her).    I would be interested in hearing if this type of dynamic is typical in families with BPD dynamics.  In this dynamic though, I can no longer tell who is the one that is sick... .they are all so deeply entrenched in the game.

[Notwendy]

I don't know if it is consciously using children as a weapon. I think it is more about the dysfunctional ways families relate to each other and poor boundaries. Parents with PDs tend to see children as extensions of themselves - not as their own individual people. Emotionally healthy parents take responsibility for meeting their children's needs ( and also recognize that older children are independent and separate from them and parents need to begin to let go of taking care of them at this point) . Parents with PDs expect children to meet their parents needs. As children grow and separate - a parent may feel threatened or have abandonment fears. They may keep the child too close or dependent or leave them too much on their own, or both.

Because of this - children are drawn into the family drama in different ways. Some can become enmeshed and not separate from the parents appropriately. Others could become the family scapegoat and serve the parents need to project on or be blamed. Neither role is good for them.

I don't think families with PDs do this consciously. It's more about the only way they know to function. I think you are correct that it's debatable who is more dysfunctional - the person with BPD or the one who is their partner. They both have a role in their interactions together. On the relationship boards- partners who wish to improve their relationships are advised to look at their own behavior. This is not usually an easy task when it involves family dynamics that are a way of functioning for the family as a whole.

[caughtnreleased]

Thanks notwendy.  That is a very accurate way to describe what is going on.  I realize that my brother in law is smothering his child, and training him to "need" him, and not achieve any independence from him in any way... .  but then I think of my sister, who is a complete push-over waif, so whenever her toddler is rude and pushes her away, she acts like she is his victim... .  For a while her two children were constantly fighting over her, and only wanted mommy who again acted like a victim of her two screaming children.  Now one of them only wants daddy... .it's a power struggle that swings back and forth and you are correct, it is impossible to figure out who is the person in this that has the PD (or pd traits) because they are both playing the game... .

[Notwendy]

The sad part is that the kids learn this behavior. Kids naturally want their parents' attention and so they learn how to act to get it.

I have seen this in non-BPD families. A couple that I know are very wary about leaving their kids with sitters so they can go out. It makes sense to make sure the sitter is safe and reliable, but they are very hesitant to trust anyone. The source of this is not the sitter- it's them. Once they left their child with me and as they left, the child cried. Well, kids can do this, but this child knew that if she cried loudly, they would not leave her ( kids like to have their parents with them) so this kid had learned to pitch a fit, which she did. Eventually they left and the child calmed and started to play with me and a toy. She seemed happy when, they walked back in and said "Mommy and Daddy are here, and we can't leave you so unhappy so we came back".

Well, I was angry ( but said nothing ). This was the drama triangle. They came to rescue her from the sitter ( me! and I am a mom with my own kids, I can take care of kids) .

So the next time they said, "we just can't leave her because we can't find a good sitter" I knew better. I don't understand the dynamics, except that it is a good example of parents' needs shaping children's behavior. However, one task of childhood is to separate from parents and learn to be with other adults, other children, teachers, classmates and this kind of parent behavior can interfere with that task.