my BPD mother is caregiver for my father (newly diagnosed with Alzheimer's)

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm looking for books and/or articles that specifically address this situation:

- BPD caring for spouse with dementia

Background:

- my mother is undiagnosed BPD

- my father was just diagnosed with early Alzheimer's

- my parents are in their late 60s, and still reasonably physically healthy

- my siblings and I live far from my parents

- I have particular concerns about my mother's influence over my father regarding a) dismissing medical concerns, b) keeping secrets, c) emotional abuse, d) financial irresponsibility

I'd very much appreciate any suggestions for resources. Thanks!

[nh2016]

I'm looking for books and/or articles that specifically address this situation:

- BPD caring for spouse with dementia

Background:

- my mother is undiagnosed BPD

- my father was just diagnosed with early Alzheimer's

- my parents are in their late 60s, and still reasonably physically healthy

- my siblings and I live far from my parents

- I have particular concerns about my mother's influence over my father regarding a) dismissing medical concerns, b) keeping secrets, c) emotional abuse, d) financial irresponsibility

I'd very much appreciate any suggestions for resources. Thanks!

[Kwamina]

Hi nh2016

Welcome to bpdfamily. I am not aware of any books dealing with this specific topic. I do understand your concerns though and why you would like to get some resources that might help with this situation.

Could you perhaps tell us a bit more about your mother? Since when has she been exhibiting BPD (traits)? What would you say are her most difficult or problematic behaviors?

You've mentioned the particular concerns you have. Are this things that have also been problems in the past? Would you say your mother has a history of dismissing medical concerns, keeping secrets, emotional abuse and financial irresponsibility?

Take care

[Notwendy]

Welcome to this board. I think you will find much information and resources for dealing with your parents.

First, I want to extend my sympathy and empathy for your situation. I was in a similar situation several years ago with my parents- my BPD mother ( family in denial "mother is normal" despite years of psych history that she thinks I don't know, but it was pretty obvious). Still, my father's main concern was to protect her, so he maintained she was "normal" and defended this in all situations.

My father did not have alzheimer's but a debilitating terminal illness that affected his decisions- but not enough to render him legally incompetent so he defended this even if it potentially impacted his medical care.

I don't know of any resources about your particular situation, however, the resources here on BPD and family dynamics are helpful, because these dynamics are at play no matter what the situation. I could probably write a book on what not to do, as I did not have this board or information on BPD and jumped into this situation as a rescuer/caretaker for my father.

I have particular concerns about my mother's influence over my father regarding a) dismissing medical concerns, b) keeping secrets, c) emotional abuse, d) financial irresponsibility


I had everyone of these concerns and every one of them happened. One reason is that I did not see my father's role in the relationship as my mother's rescuer and caretaker. I didn't know what co-dependency was. I also didn't know about the drama triangle and it is a very important resource.

I saw my father as my mother's victim. I thought he would be happy that I stepped in, but the opposite happened. When I jumped on to the triangle as his rescuer, it involved exposing my mother's mental illness to his caretakers. I did it because I thought it was the right thing to do. His medical care was at stake.

Some of the things I did, that I believe were the right thing to do was to inform social services when he was hospitalized so that he might get more home health and surveillance. His health care workers assumed he was going home to a competent caretaker. I do not regret this because I could not keep silent and go along with the family lie.

However, in my father's eyes, this was a huge violation. He was very invested in being my mother's rescuer, and I had become her persecutor. Mother was  "victim" and she responded by painting me black to my father, relatives, health care workers and so, I am not sure they believed me. Then, my father was angry at me too. I could not deal with this emotionally.

I then felt I had to keep a distance for my own sanity. Explaining why to my parents was futile. They were not aware of my feelings anyway and I had become the outlet for their rage and frustration. I still visited when I could, and many times was in tears after being raged at by both of them. I called my father, but my mother listened in on the phone when I did. 

It was hard to intervene, because when I tried, in the family drama, I became the persecutor and my mother enlisted her FOO and my father to rescue her. Still, I tried, because, I felt it was in his best interest to do so. In the end, I believe that no matter what, my father would have made the decisions exactly as he did, because it was what he wanted.

Knowledge is power. You will have more than I did. First, before you do anything, get educated on BPD family dynamics. Act according to your conscience, even if your parents's anger is hurtful. Do your best for your father, but know also, that he chose your mother and will choose to live his life in his way. Take every chance you have to tell him you love him, even if he is angry.

But take care of yourself first. Only do as much as you can without jeopardizing your sanity or your family. You may have to forgive yourself one day and wish you did more, but know that in his higher mind, your father would want that for you too.

[nh2016]

Thanks so much, Notwendy and Kwamina!

It sounds like the best approach is to stay tooled-up on the general BPD family dynamics (especially watching triangulation), in addition to the new things I'll have to learn about Alzheimer's and eldercare.

Thanks again,

Ben

[Notwendy]

That's a good idea. I think that families with BPD encounter life stresses like other families, but they handle them in their BPD way.

I hope you have some support outside the family. It was very hard for me to watch my father's health decline. As well as dealing with the FOO craziness, I was grieving. But my role in the dysfunctional family dynamics was as rescuer/caretaker. There was no recognition on their part or my mother's FOO that I was grieving or needed support. I was only supposed to give it.

My father's family was very good to me, as well as family friends. I cried for months. However, this is what the loss of a parent is. So take care of yourself.  .  Although your father is still alive, the loss of his connection to you is gradual and hard.

I did find a book in the library where a daughter is coping with her aging father who raged at her. It is normal for a person to be angry at the loss of function over the years, but it is emotionally hard on their loved ones. It helped in a way to know that some of this was normal, even if the BPD dynamics were not.