On humiliation and getting back at them 2

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's fitting that this be in a separate thread.   I can't comment much on a wasted airline ticket and apartment reservation.

I did want to validate some of the revenge has no point posts by people with more experience, but who never took that path.   I think I can offer a unique perspective that validates a lot of what was said in that other thread.

I was forced to pay my ex back possibly more than 10 fold.   Not just for what she did, but for the worst she tried by failed at doing.

I had not encountered Cluster B knowledge yet.

On divorce I faced a very limited controlled relationship with my daughter.   I won more than that on temporary orders, but quickly realized it was a conflict that would never end.  

Worse, if we were in court over and over again across the years, I'd have to start from square one explaining and describing a very difficult to understand situation over and over again.

It would be like trying to survive clinging to the side of the ship in a storm.   The only way to secure the future was to take the rudder.

If I was primary, whenever she took me back to court, I could just say, "yes, I understand, this is exactly why they made me primary."   If I was made primary, for very specific reasons, then those had automatic credibility going forward without starting from square one every time.

Like everyone says, over the course of the divorce, she was her own worst enemy.   I ended up with primary.

After months later, discovering Cluster B concepts, that's right, I think I won primary custody with an NPD mom who has a "perfect mom" narrative.

(1) Emotional effects on me of "total 10X-Fold revenge":  Occasionally I entertain a passing thought of how devastating this must have been.   But it doesn't give any rich payback.  It's pretty much emotionally dry.   It doesn't undo a year of narcissistic rage.   I still have emotional flashbacks of fear and anxiety from time to time, particularly when we disagree about some parenting/status/communication thing.  (Those times I can see the flash of fire in her eye of a flashback to the dark hostility, that probably triggers it.)   There is a slight taste of pity, which if I could feel it more would be even more of an insult to an NPD.   But really even that, I have no direct idea how she coped or dealt with it.  She may have just adopted a new narrative or gotten a new source of supply.

(2) Emotional effects of focusing on myself and my daughter:   My greatest satisfaction is that I secured future with my daughter and her best interest as well as I could.   This is a source of a lot of positive well-being for me.

(3) Effect of consequences on Ex: Unknown.  It snapped her into happy positive land for sure.  But is she painting me white for reunification?   Has she found some way to paint me white in our current divorced role?   Or did the outcome as an NPD cause her to realize that her behavior was perceived badly and figure out how to put on the right mask to be perceived correctly so she could appear the good guy while documenting and collecting evidence that I was the bad guy?

In (3) only the accepting the current situation 1/3 outcomes is good for me.

Revenge, even if you are forced to take it 10Xfold by circumstance doesn't have an upside so far for me.

In that I was forced to take that path to secure other values.   Those other values do have the up side.   The revenge hasn't paid, it is only the other values that forced me to take the path I did.  The coincidental revenge that occurred isn't giving a return.

I just wanted to validate some of the responses by people with more intense and prolonged experiences who had not taken or personally experienced the revenge path.   You didn't take revenge.  You're exactly right.   There is no point.  

Enlighten(?)  probably captured it best when he said, what if that puts the in exactly the place to play victim, get a white knight rescue and end up with an even better life than before your revenge.   So your revenge could make them better off.

There is simply no upside to you for a downside to them.  Their system is specifically designed to twist this on it's head.   There is only an upside to you for an upside to you.

There just isn't any point.  It's pretty empty compared to actualizing your own values.

[iron pigeon]

It's fitting that this be in a separate thread.   I can't comment much on a wasted airline ticket and apartment reservation.

I did want to validate some of the revenge has no point posts by people with more experience, but who never took that path.   I think I can offer a unique perspective that validates a lot of what was said in that other thread.

I was forced to pay my ex back possibly more than 10 fold.   Not just for what she did, but for the worst she tried by failed at doing.

I had not encountered Cluster B knowledge yet.

On divorce I faced a very limited controlled relationship with my daughter.   I won more than that on temporary orders, but quickly realized it was a conflict that would never end.  

Worse, if we were in court over and over again across the years, I'd have to start from square one explaining and describing a very difficult to understand situation over and over again.

It would be like trying to survive clinging to the side of the ship in a storm.   The only way to secure the future was to take the rudder.

If I was primary, whenever she took me back to court, I could just say, "yes, I understand, this is exactly why they made me primary."   If I was made primary, for very specific reasons, then those had automatic credibility going forward without starting from square one every time.

Like everyone says, over the course of the divorce, she was her own worst enemy.   I ended up with primary.

After months later, discovering Cluster B concepts, that's right, I think I won primary custody with an NPD mom who has a "perfect mom" narrative.

(1) Emotional effects on me of "total 10X-Fold revenge":  Occasionally I entertain a passing thought of how devastating this must have been.   But it doesn't give any rich payback.  It's pretty much emotionally dry.   It doesn't undo a year of narcissistic rage.   I still have emotional flashbacks of fear and anxiety from time to time, particularly when we disagree about some parenting/status/communication thing.  (Those times I can see the flash of fire in her eye of a flashback to the dark hostility, that probably triggers it.)   There is a slight taste of pity, which if I could feel it more would be even more of an insult to an NPD.   But really even that, I have no direct idea how she coped or dealt with it.  She may have just adopted a new narrative or gotten a new source of supply.

(2) Emotional effects of focusing on myself and my daughter:   My greatest satisfaction is that I secured future with my daughter and her best interest as well as I could.   This is a source of a lot of positive well-being for me.

(3) Effect of consequences on Ex: Unknown.  It snapped her into happy positive land for sure.  But is she painting me white for reunification?   Has she found some way to paint me white in our current divorced role?   Or did the outcome as an NPD cause her to realize that her behavior was perceived badly and figure out how to put on the right mask to be perceived correctly so she could appear the good guy while documenting and collecting evidence that I was the bad guy?

In (3) only the accepting the current situation 1/3 outcomes is good for me.

Revenge, even if you are forced to take it 10Xfold by circumstance doesn't have an upside so far for me.

In that I was forced to take that path to secure other values.   Those other values do have the up side.   The revenge hasn't paid, it is only the other values that forced me to take the path I did.  The coincidental revenge that occurred isn't giving a return.

I just wanted to validate some of the responses by people with more intense and prolonged experiences who had not taken or personally experienced the revenge path.   You didn't take revenge.  You're exactly right.   There is no point.  

Enlighten(?)  probably captured it best when he said, what if that puts the in exactly the place to play victim, get a white knight rescue and end up with an even better life than before your revenge.   So your revenge could make them better off.

There is simply no upside to you for a downside to them.  Their system is specifically designed to twist this on it's head.   There is only an upside to you for an upside to you.

There just isn't any point.  It's pretty empty compared to actualizing your own values.