The million dollar question.

[HappyChappy]

I really don’t know where else I could ask this questions, so any thoughts would be grateful appreciated. I have been No Contact with my FOO for a few years now. My mom is BPD but the real issue is my bro who is a covert NPD. He’s also her GC which in itself is weird. Everyone that knows my family finds him creepy , slimy. He’s lived alone his whole life (currently living in a hotel abroad) never had a proper girlfriend or friend to speak of. He has no know drug habit and probably no major criminal record but he is a pronounced masochist.

A covert NPD is often noted to be the deadliest of the PD. In that he has a life long history of trying to sabotage my life through conning people into believing all sorts of rubbish. He really has wreaked havoc, his timing is perfect.  In  short he gets extremely (clinically) jealous and then sabotages me in a covert manner. One thing he’s done a few times is call my employers and convince them I’m unemployable. First time it worked (got sacked without reason), second time I took my employers to court and that’s when I found out it was him behind these events. The third time, thankfully my boss had know me long enough to allow me to present evidence to the contra (i.e. criminal checks).

I’m self employed now and NC, things have happened that could be him, but I assume without a reason to feel jealous or access to my personal information it would be hard for him to do stuff. But I recently suggested I may hook back up with my BPD and bing, an unexplained piece of bad luck happened again. Hard to know if it is him, but I'm a people pleaser so don't really have any enemies, so it's bad luck or him.

I also read that someone like him will never stop doing this crap to someone or other, so my best defence is to stay NC but that means the whole FOO, as my BPD will stoke the jellousy. The other approach is to write legal letters to him, pointing out I’m aware what’s he’s done and stating we will take him to court from here on. He's not aware we're on to him, as my boss admitted everything and settled days before the court. Also he 100% would never admit to anything, as he never had admited to his bad behavior, ever, period. My BPD would 100% believe that I stitched her GC up, even if I won in court. So taking him to court could well be a waste of time. So your views, tips etc... .would be welcome.  In fairness, the 10 events I mentioned were all before  the court case and beyond reasonable doubt. Since then the “bad luck” is not beyond doubt.  I have read that he’ll be acting out his jealous sabotage regally, but doesn’t mean to say I’m involved.

What would you do ? Give into the bullying an stay NC (not really an option) ? Set the lawyers letter and hope he moves on (unlikely as his BPD mom will continually stoke the jealously) ? Lay in wait and take him to court (stressful) ? He use to vicious to me a child, but when I got old enough I beat him once and he never touched me again. As much as he’s a Masochist but also a coward. So maybe a scare would keep him away ?

[GeekyGirl]

Just to make sure that I understand, you're concerned that your brother will be enraged if you have a relationship with your mother or FOO, and has a history of interfering with your professional life. If that's correct, you do have a decision to make, and knowing how your brother has behaved in the past, it makes sense that you're putting plans in place to protect yourself.

What I'd do depends on the rest of the situation. If you're self-employed, what could he do to you professionally? A letter from a lawyer might stop the  behavior for some period of time. What does your lawyer say? If this is purely about legal issues, I'd defer to your lawyer.

As far as the bullying/NC goes, I'd not let his behavior or jealousy stop me from having a relationship with my FOO. Sure, dealing with him will be unpleasant, but ultimately I wouldn't want a bully to set limits for me like that. If you're concerned about triangulation, some gentle reminders to the rest of the FOO that your relationship with him is private (using SET or DEARMAN) can help.

[HappyChappy]

Just to make sure that I understand, you're concerned that your brother will be enraged if you have a relationship with your mother or FOO, and has a history of interfering with your professional life. If that's correct,

Thanks for you feedback Geeky Girl. It’s not just my professional life he’s tried to sabotage, he drugged my drink once, to steel from me (and who knows what else). He stole a great deal from me (and the FOO) over the years and managed to persuade us it was someone else in the family doing it. I’m hoping he just gets his kicks this way, as NPD like their thrills.  But know that NPS have no guilt, some other mechanism will be needed to stop his sabotage. From all that I’ve read, a lawyers letter is our best approach, as the fear of being caught would be the only inhibitor here. If he makes anonymous phone calls, these will be almost impossible to link to him. I think it's a hard place and a rock type of situation. What do you people think ? Thanks in advance for your feedback.

[GeekyGirl]

That is pretty disturbing behavior. I'd keep him at a distance for sure and limit the time I'd spend with him.

It sounds like you've looked at several other options, and if a lawyer's letter is the best way to protect yourself, then you need to do it. Personally, that's where I'd start, and if the behavior continues, talk to your lawyer or therapist about what other precautions you should take to protect yourself and your business.

[HappyChappy]

That is pretty disturbing behavior. I'd keep him at a distance for sure and limit the time I'd spend with him.

Thanks GeekyGirl for good advice on a tricky question (no one else dare to answer).