Projection

[Confused108]

I have heard a lot about projection when dealing with BPD. Am I wrong when I interpret this with my ex? For example she told me I was obsessed with her. Is this "projection"? And if it is does that mean she was the one who was obsessed? Thanks in advance for any clarification.

[Bigmd]

From what I read you sound correct. They accuse you but it's really what they feel. For example , my ex called me selfish and immature. In reality she was the one giving the silent treatment and hanging up on me.

[Confused108]

Thanks Big! Yes it makes sense. Mine chased after me with this relationship and at the end told me it was me who went after her! Wow!

[Bigmd]

Yea man, mine often accused me of taking her for granted. In the end I realize it's exactly what she did to me.

[FlyingJ]

Ahh yes... .Projection. My ex would literally accuse me of what she was doing. And she wasn't even secretive about it. Sometimes I would have to read between the lines, but towards the end it was so clear. For example, I would try to keep the relationship together all the while she was skirting around the issue at hand and really make it harder than what it was. So after I "gave up" I was told I WAS MESSING WITH HER HEAD when in reality, it was HER MESSING WITH MY HEAD. Some of the stuff she would accuse me about would make my jaw hit the floor because it was what SHE was doing, even at that present time.

Keep a watch out for the cheating accusation. That was huge in my relationship. Always being accused of wanting, looking, sexually attracted to other females no matter where I was. I remember one time I walked into a restaurant once and purposely looked at the ceiling the entire time. All the while when I got home I was STILL accused of looking at all the females.

If she starts to accuse you of cheating, big red flag. Because with projection, that's their behavior being projected onto you. So, who's really doing the cheating?

[Bigmd]

Exactly FlyingJ, mine always accused me of looking at other girls. Even when I told her I wasn't it was never good enough. One time a waitress said hello,to me. She went off on me. Asking how did I know her. This was in front of her 11yo daughter. Didn't talk to me for a half hour.

[Confused108]

Wow ! Yea me too! Mine would accuse me of flirting with friends on Facebook who were just my friends.  She also when we first go together again with this relationship mentioned marriage and me moving to Canada. After she ended things she sent me an email basically telling me that me wanting to get married and move to Canada was just "too fast and too soon"! Can you belive that! Meanwhile it was her who wanted it from the beginning!   

[FlyingJ]

For the longest I had no idea about projection. It wasn't until I scoured the Internet to find out what was really wrong with this girl. I came across a website about BPD that I thought was written based off of my relationship. I mean, behaviors were to the T! And then I learned about projection.

But my biggest question is, why do people project? For example, if I were to cheat and I accused my gf of always cheating, how does that make me feel better or make it innocent? Because deep down I know that I still cheated and blaming her for it is really just another fake accusation compounded onto the initial guilt of cheating. So in terms of BPD, how does projection clear their conscious of guilt? The guilt surly still resides in the person who did the cheating.

[Confused108]

I feel that they "block" things out. I know my ex herself admitted this. She also admitted that when she gets hurt she just runs away.  I think when they "cheat" or do things that they know will hurt us they "project" them on us an "block" what they did off themseleves. Selective amnesia.

[FlyingJ]

I feel that they "block" things out. I know my ex herself admitted this. She also admitted that when she gets hurt she just runs away.  I think when they "cheat" or do things that they know will hurt us they "project" them on us an "block" what they did off themseleves. Selective amnesia.

That's such a twisted way of thinking. Any normal person with compassion and empathy wouldn't be able to do such a thing.

[Confused108]

I feel that they "block" things out. I know my ex herself admitted this. She also admitted that when she gets hurt she just runs away.  I think when they "cheat" or do things that they know will hurt us they "project" them on us an "block" what they did off themseleves. Selective amnesia.

That's such a twisted way of thinking. Any normal person with compassion and empathy wouldn't be able to do such a thing.

yes I agree with you 100%! But we are not dealing with individuels who have any of those qualities. I was suckered back into this with my ex after 28 years. But then again I had no idea about BPD at that time when I was 14 yo. Now after a emotional and hellish roller coaster ride she gave me from the end of June 2015 until Sept 4 2015 I now know what she is. And I never ever want to hear from her again.

[troisette]

Yup, I was told I idealised him... .!

[Confused108]

Yup, I was told I idealised him... .!

crazy right! I swear what my ex was saying to me was just unreal. I was obsessed with her. Was I in love with her or was it an obsession? She actually sent me a saying thru text that said this crap. Oh and she also said that I became overwhelming for her.  My ex also told me thT I was the one who need closeuer with our relationship from our teenage years. When basically this was all her saying this stuff to me and "turning " the tables on me when she ended the relationship. She then had the nerve to want to remain friends . Hell NO!

[FlyingJ]

Yup, I was told I idealised him... .!

crazy right! I swear what my ex was saying to me was just unreal. I was obsessed with her. Was I in love with her or was it an obsession? She actually sent me a saying thru text that said this crap. Oh and she also said that I became overwhelming for her.  My ex also told me thT I was the one who need closeuer with our relationship from our teenage years. When basically this was all her saying this stuff to me and "turning " the tables on me when she ended the relationship. She then had the nerve to want to remain friends . Hell NO!

Same story for me my man. Mine made damn sure that I was the one to walk away from her... -she HAD to be the victim. No way could she make that decision on her own and be able to live with herself. So in short, I always had to be the one to throw in the towel. And when I did walk away, she made damn sure that ALL OF HER DOING/GUILT was blamed (projected) onto me so she had a "clear conscious." Now she can go around and tell her friends how hurt she is (for what SHES done). But her neurotic and cynical friends and family members won't see the truth. They will just pamper her back into life and I'm looked at like the head case. The fact that I went back to her so many times (after she pleaded and begged) and the fact that I was able to look past those mistakes of hers PROVES I can see color. I have feelings of sympathy and empathy. So clearly, IM the head case right?

[Confused108]

Like I said it's crazy! These soul suckers think they can do whatever they like to others and then get away with it. Man stay away from your ex. Period! I know when you love them it's hard. Hell mine was the love of my life and really felt she wanted a second chance with me . Ha was I fooled. But It makes me laugh that after she ended things with me through an email no less she was all over my Facebook page 2 days later. I know this bc she told me . Sick! You don't want me an then you stalk my FB page? Like I said CrAzY!

[Confused108]

And NO brother you are not the head case! Your ex is! Like mine!

[circularref]

I feel that they "block" things out. I know my ex herself admitted this. She also admitted that when she gets hurt she just runs away.  I think when they "cheat" or do things that they know will hurt us they "project" them on us an "block" what they did off themseleves. Selective amnesia.

Yes, I think they do feel so bad about it they try to block it out. Then they try to see it in you, because hey, if you do it too than it can't be that bad right? It cancels out their behavior (well, in their strange way of thinking).

But It makes me laugh that after she ended things with me through an email no less she was all over my Facebook page 2 days later. I know this bc she told me . Sick! You don't want me an then you stalk my FB page? Like I said CrAzY!

The relationship was over 2 months ago and I removed her from fb. And I heard from a common friend that she went on my profile a few days ago (which has some public stuff) and joined all the events I joined for the next few months.