Is using me as a scape goat a form of dissociation?

[lisazoe]

So naturally there's been drama before Christmas anyway here goes a long story tried to cut short... .

My partners mum has BPD and hates me (very short version)

Anyhoo her son has finally woken up to his mother's behaviour and all the lies and control she has tried over the years. 

Recently we built a house together which we are renting out now but when she found out about it she launched the nuclear attack of course.  I'm using him, I'm evil, I made him build this house cause its what I wanted etc etc etc... .

Well this was the last straw for my partner as he's so proud of what we have done yet there was nothing positive from his mum about it at all.  He's avoided her as much as possible and when he did answer her calls, as soon as she became negative he hung up the phone.  However he finally had it out with her on the phone and after 25 mins of listening to her negativity and lies and getting nowhere he told her that was it, he didn't want anything to do with her at all at this point in time. 

3 days later she showed up at our house unexpected (thank god I wasn't there) and pretended like the phone call never happened.  Needless to say it went really horribly and my partner told her exactly how he felt and told her to go away (that's putting it nicely) 4 times before he finally walked away from her.  She finally got in her car and left.

I have found out that afterwards she went to the Grandparents house (her inlaws) who she has hated for the last 10 years and took them Christmas cherries and was really nice to them.  Never mentioned about seeing my partner and how horrible it would've been.  My partner rang his dad who had no idea she was coming to see us and apparently he said she has said nothing to him about it.  My partner's sister who just recently stayed with us (and is amazing) said also that nothing has been said about my partner's behaviour to her.  The only thing that gets said is all the horrible stuff about me and how evil I am. I'm lucky they all tell her to shutup and walk away from her.

So I guess my question is, Is this woman refusing to accept the way her son feels and ignoring his behaviour and blaming me for everything her form of dissociation as her son (being golden boy) has basically abandoned her and this is too traumatic for her to accept?

I guess I'm also asking is, am I always going to be the subject of her hatred?  I do not want a relationship with this woman at all, now or in the future so it doesn't really worry me whether she likes me or not to be absolutely honest.  (I'm not being really mean its just that she has done some pretty awful things to try and defame me with her unsuccessful smear campaign)

[Kwamina]

Hi lisazoe

Your partner's mother sounds like someone who's very difficult to be around with. That is unless she's bringing Christmas cherries  But on a more serious note, she's exhibiting quite unpleasant behavior and I can see why this would bother your partner so.

So I guess my question is, Is this woman refusing to accept the way her son feels and ignoring his behaviour and blaming me for everything her form of dissociation as her son (being golden boy) has basically abandoned her and this is too traumatic for her to accept?

It could be that she feels threatened by you, in the sense that she feels you are a threat to the 'reality' she has created for herself and is trying desperately to uphold. People with BPD often have an intense fear of abandonment and are also often emotionally enmeshed with (some of) their children.

Did your MIL treat you (and your partner) badly right from the very start of your relationship or was there a specific turning point (such as the recently built house)?

Would you say based on what you've experienced yourself and know from your partner, that your MIL has an intense fear of abandonment?

You refer to your partner as her 'golden boy' (at least in her mind). How would you describe your partner's relationship with his mother before this all happened?

[P.F.Change]

So I guess my question is, Is this woman refusing to accept the way her son feels and ignoring his behaviour and blaming me for everything her form of dissociation as her son (being golden boy) has basically abandoned her and this is too traumatic for her to accept?

I guess I'm also asking is, am I always going to be the subject of her hatred?

It is very common for someone with BPD to villify their children's SOs.

It boils down to projection, I think. The person with BPD feels out of control, and seeks to feel a sense of stability by manipulating/controlling their child. In the unthinkable situation that the adult child has a differing desire or opinion, that will magnify the despair of the person with BPD instead of soothing it, and they will look for an exterior reason for that instead of examining their own behavior (because that is beyond what they can handle psychologically). If they are not successful in controlling their child, it must be because someone else has come along and is using their powers to control the child instead. A person with BPD will usually not be able to see his/her child as an autonomous person, only as an extension of his/herself. Therefore, if the child disagrees with the BPD parent's will, it must be because of an outside influence. This also has to do with black-and-white thinking.

Have you had a chance to look at the board Lessons? You might find the section on BPD Behaviors (such as projection, b/w thinking) helpful. I'm sorry you are having this difficult experience, and also glad your SO has your support as he comes to terms with his mother's illness.

Wishing you peace,

P.F.

[AuntPam]

I've seen this kind of scapegoating behavior from my BPD sister.  As her (only child) son has grown up and started attending college away from her, she has chosen, first, his (divorced) dad, then a childhood friend, then me, as the source of "everything that's wrong" with him.  There's nothing wrong with him that experience and a little more maturity won't cure.  But she attacks him (and the rest of us), fundamentally because he won't behave like her twelve-year-old kid anymore.  He's almost 21, and fairly sensible.  He does behave like a college student, of course, meaning not totally focused on keeping her happy at all times.

My family all predicted that the parent-child separation in late adolescence would be tough, but I don't think we anticipated just how tough.  Right now, I'm NC with her because she is in a really nutty, vindictive phase and I just can't deal with it. I feel really sorry for the pain she experiences, the irrational fears that rule her life, but until she seeks help, there is nothing I can do.  And I have other people who need my love and attention.

You may not be the subject of her hatred forever.  First, someone else may get moved into the role of Chief Scapegoat. And some minor gesture of reconciliation offered to her might get you back on the "Good Angel" list.  For a while.  Just understand that the B/W thinking of BPDs means you won't be there forever.

I know how hard it is to be the subject of wacky, and often quite vicious, allegations.  Try to say to yourself "Yeah---that's just the crazy talking."  Because a high-functioning BPD can seem quite rational in other areas, it's fatally easy to pay too much attention to the stuff that they say when they're totally off the rails.  If you're thinking "This is nuts"--you're right, it is. 

[lisazoe]

 Hi all thank you for your replies.  It makes so much sense what each of you are saying!

Did your MIL treat you (and your partner) badly right from the very start of your relationship or was there a specific turning point (such as the recently built house)?

Would you say based on what you've experienced yourself and know from your partner, that your MIL has an intense fear of abandonment?

You refer to your partner as her 'golden boy' (at least in her mind). How would you describe your partner's relationship with his mother before this all happened?

For a long time my partners mum didn't know about our relationship as my partner knew it would be a negative reaction but until the time she found out she thought I was a nice person.  Even for the first few days she was fine but then when I saw her a week later it was all on like donkey kong!  I disagreed with her lectures she was giving me as I have learned over the years to stand up to people who are being mean etc to me so I guess that was the turning point... .I didn't let her win!

Yes I do feel she has intense abandonment fears and the fact that her 3rd child is about to leave home won't be helping.

Before I came on the scene my partner was pretty emeshed with his mother without realising it.  It didn't take me long to work out how much she was controlling his life and continuing to try do so and well I call a spade a spade and pointed it out to him and he finally started to see what was going on.  His best friend who we saw recently commented on the behaviour he always saw but never said anything as he felt my partner had to see it for himself.

I do believe that she is a Queen/waif type with witch qualities that appear when she's raging.  Quite the mixed bag!

I'm just more learning about the behaviours and what to expect more to support my partner rather than console myself as I am not afraid of her and what she says as everyone who knows me knows who I am and that can't be changed by her stupid lies but with me understanding this it helps my partner to understand how she is and why he feels certain things in his adulthood and the memories he is now having of his childhood. 

Thank you so much everyone for the sharing of knowledge

[schwing]

I'll just add my bits to this topic because I find this subject interesting.  Hopefully some of it will be helpful to someone.

I see the "golden child"-ization and "scapegoating" tendency as an expression of the person with BPD's (pwBPD) behavior of idealizing and devaluing.  One child is seen as the "perfect" child that "proves" that they are the ideal parent they need to think of themselves as; and the scapegoat is the child that is the convenient receptacle of all their devaluing thoughts.

In my observation with the BPD members of my extended family, this behavior of idealization and devaluation can be seen as "dissociation" in the sense that, sometimes they have the need to idealize or devalue because there is some quality about themselves that they do not wish to face or accept.  

For example, if they come face to face with some possibility that they are a less than ideal parent, then they need the attention of the "golden child" to contradict this possibility.  After all, if they were not an ideal parent, how could they produce an ideal child?  This is why the golden child must be held up to such high standards.  Because the golden child needs to represent them in the best light.  Not facing their own weakness as a parent can be a kind of disconnection, or dissociation.

You'd think that having a scapegoat child would prove the opposite.  But no.  Again, when they are faced with some other possibility that they are less than an ideal parent, or ideal person... or that they are perhaps a bad person.  Perhaps when it is not enough to have a golden child to contradict, then they may rely on more overt dissociation.  And so by *projection* (which is a kind of dissociation), and by projecting onto their scapegoat, they can blame someone else for some bad behavior and/or outcome.  And by doing so, relieve themselves of having to devalue themselves for their non-ideal behavior.

So... .yes.  I guess, that your pwBPD is using you as a scapegoat can be seen as a form of dissociation.  Look at the things she is blaming you for, and those are probably the very things she is guilty of doing herself... .only she cannot accept these qualities in herself.  She needs to dissociate from them and project them onto you. 

And of course your pwBPD is going to continue to ignore what all the other family members are saying.  Because she doesn't idealize-devalue for their benefit, she does this for her own psychological need.  This can be thought of as one (of many) complicated defense mechanisms that keeps her from facing anything she cannot (or choose not to) face about herself.

As an aside, I feel that mainly those with more narcissistic tendency (i.e. Queens) tend to create these more permanent roles of "golden child" and "scapegoat" for their children.  Those pwBPD that are not as N seem to switch between idealization and devaluation much more often (to the confusion of their children).

Best wishes,

Schwing