BPD Mom's birthday

[kirsten_2010]

I'm having a hard time because my BPD mom's birthday is coming up at the end of January and whenever it's her birthday or a holiday like mother's day she expects to be treated like a queen.  My mom reminds me very much of the queen subtype of BPD in Lawson's book. Anyways, my dad gave up trying to do anything for her for holidays or her birthday years ago because she was never pleased with anything and it was never good enough. I filled in as the all good child and doubled my efforts to make her birthdays and holidays special and spent lots of money on gifts, etc.

I'm 28 years old and the last few years I have been working on boundaries with her and have been stepping back from this role, although I still struggle with feelings of guilt and obligation a lot of the time, especially when they are triggered by responses from her. I am going to see her and my family in a couple weeks as a late christmas celebration because we didn't meet on christmas because she would not negotiate on where we would meet for christmas. I set a boundary and told her that I couldn't come back and see her on her birthday two weeks later because I have too much going on in my life right now (which is true, I just moved, and started a new job and got married only three months ago). She lives 2 hours away and for the christmas visit i will be there for a day and a half and plan to stay in a hotel. I get too stressed out with visits because I always feel very suffocated by her. I told her that I would be happy to take her out for lunch to celebrate her birthday. She told me that she's very disappointed and has been giving me the silent treatment. She also told me that she hates how her birthday is near christmas and how she doesn't like getting her birthday presents with her christmas presents. It's hard for me to not have my old responses kick in and try to make everything better. However, I also try to remind myself that she is an adult and it's not my responsibility to give her a birthday party as if she were a child. I am unsure of how to respond because I'm afraid if I start a conversation with her or email her back that she will start raging on me.

[Turkish]

She told me that she's very disappointed and has been giving me the silent treatment.

This is validatable. She's dissapointed.

She also told me that she hates how her birthday is near christmas and how she doesn't like getting her birthday presents with her christmas presents.

This is... .but isn't. "Validate the valid; invalidate the invalid."

It's not up to you to "fix" her birthday. IMO, an end of January birthday is a stretch to tie it to Chirstmas, but those are her feelings, which she owns.

I've been thinking a lot about how an adult with BPD telegraphs their pasts as neglected children. It may be natural to try to "fix" this as children,.but since we weren't the neglecters, it's nit our job to make everything better. It's a very strong dynamic from which to detach.

Your boundary is set. She sounds like she is resentful that you want to celebrate her bd early. Can you accept that this is her choice, and stick with your boundary?